(Night. The moth is flying over forest in Transylvania - so it's full moon, of course. Inside are Stan, Kai, and Xev in her blue poodle outfit)
STAN: Oh, I've seen enough. Let's go back to the Lexx
XEV: Stan, this is important to Kai
STAN: Well Xev, it may be important to the dead, but it is not at all important to the living (to Kai) How come you're so motivated to do this?
KAI: As you know, I have the many thousands of memories of those killed by His Divine Shadow. Dark knowledge from one of those memories leads me here
STAN: OK, that's it Xev. Turn this bug around right now!
XEV: I just want Kai to have his fun
STAN: I'm sorry Xev, the dead do not have fun
XEV: Where are we now?
XEV: There - a clearing
(Xev steers the moth down to land. She and Kai get out - Kai carrying a weird bug flashlight, and his printouts about Transylvania)
STAN: I'll just stay right here
(Xev and Kai walk on. In the distance, wolves howl. Stan looks out at the dark misty forest - then gets out of the moth, and catches up with the others)
STAN: Don't say a word
XEV: I won't - except that you're entering stage two
STAN: Stage two?
XEV: The three stages of Stanley H Tweedle (counts on her fingers) When you're not scared, you're hungry. When you're not hungry, you can only think about sex. When you're not thinking about sex, you're scared
STAN: Very funny
(Bats fly down from the moonlit sky, chittering)
STAN: What's making those noises?
KAI: They are bats
STAN: What are bats?
KAI: Flying mammals common to Earth, several species of which are known to suck the blood of large animals
STAN: Oh, right
(The bats attack Stan and Xev, who run down a path. Ahead are the lights of a village, and beyond that, the silhouette of a castle. Kai stops, so Stan and Xev go back to him)
XEV: What is it?
(Kai looks at one of his printouts, which has a picture of that castle)
KAI: It is what I have come for
(He leads the way into the village - the streets are deserted, except for the bats. They walk inside the Cioara (Crow?) tavern - straight out of a Hammer Horror movie. The locals all go quiet. There are three Goth girls in a corner)
STAN: Hmm - homey
(Father Borscht, an old priest gets up, and holds up crucifix on a chain)
BORSCHT: Those of the devil, leave here - this is still a place of God. This is still a place of light
(Kai takes the crucifix, hands it to Stan)
KAI: Thank you for your gift
BORSCHT: Leave here, leave here
STAN: Yeah, I'd be happy to leave - soon as the bats clear up
(Kai walks up to the bar, and shows his castle picture to the barman - Van Helsing)
KAI: I have come to find whoever lives in this castle
VANH: You heard Father Borscht. You're not welcome here
(Xev walks over to the bar, and turns on the charm)
XEV: Well, then we will leave. But before we do so, I was hoping to take a nice hot bath, and wash all this nasty dirt from my aching naked body
(Van Helsing gets hot under the collar)
VANH: Father Borscht - perhaps we could let them stay for a while. The bats will settle in a minute or two
(Van Helsing gets a candlestick, and leads Xev away. The three Goth girls follow)
(Later - it's still thunder and lightning and bats outside. Xev is in a tub. In the tavern, Kai is using his brace to whittle something, and Stan is at the bar)
STAN: Ah, let me see - I want a slab of your finest rarest meat - and don't bother giving me any of that green stuff with it
(Van Helsing pours him a drink)
STAN: I asked for food, not water
VANH: This tavern doesn't have food. Drink it
(Stan drinks - then gasps, slaps his hands on the bar)
STAN: That's not water!
VANH: Your friend - he lacks colour
STAN: He lacks colour, because he's dead
(Father Borscht sits down at the table, opposite Kai)
BORSCHT: I asked you to leave. We don't want your kind here
KAI: You seem to believe I am something that I am not
BORSCHT: I believe in many things, and I know who you are
KAI: Have you encountered something like me before?
BORSCHT: This land is full of darkness and death. When I was a young man, I met the master of them all. Its skin was (he touches Kai's hand) cold and white - like yours
KAI: Where can I find this master?
BORSCHT: The master is never found. The master finds you
(In the bath tub, Xev hums happily as she washes her legs, shoulders, and leans her head back. The Goths enter the room behind her. One dangles a rat down in front of Xev's face - of course, Xev eats it, leaving just the tail hanging out)
MUFFY: You absolute bitch, you ate my rat!
XEV: I'm sorry
(She takes the tail out of her mouth, gives it back, and shakes hands)
XEV: Xev. Xev Bellringer
DAVINIA: Davinia Silver (the dumb blonde) MANDRA: Mandragora Morgana (short black hair) MUFFY: And I'm Muffy (short blonde hair) MUFFY: Where are you from?
DAVINIA: Where's that?
XEV: In the Light Universe. I grew up in a box there
DAVINIA: Oh, we grew up in Squatney, we can sympathise
XEV: Is that around here?
MANDRA: No. We're on a package holiday. Transylvania is so much more us
(Muffy crouches down by Xev's tub)
MUFFY: The man in black with you is also much more - us. Wouldn't you say?
XEV: If you like the dead
(The others crouch down eagerly)
GOTHS: We do!
(In the tavern, Father Borscht is still talking)
BORSCHT: The master never ventures forth from the castle, preferring to sit on a throne of coffins, like a spider in the centre of its web. But beware, for sometimes the spider has to hunt further - but once caught, they become slaves. I thought perhaps that you were such a slave
KAI: I am not
BORSCHT: No, you're not - but my son - kill the spider
KAI: If I can, I will
(Father Borscht hands Kai an old piece of parchment. It is a drawing of a coffin, with the Cluster symbol above it, and three women. The Goths come back into the bar, followed by Xev, who is now wearing a peasant girl's blouse and skirt. She joins Stan, who is still drinking at the bar)
STAN: Hey, Xevvy baby! Woo, new look
XEV: It's called a dirndl
STAN: Makes me think of mountains
XEV: What are you drinking, Stan?
STAN: Water. Special, special mountain water. Hey Kai, you need a new look - maybe you should wear one of those dribbles
(Kai walks out of the tavern - Xev chases after him)
XEV: Kai -
STAN: Hey Xev, wait up!
(He downs his drink, then turns to the barman)
STAN: Just give me another glass of that water, just one more
(Xev catches up with Kai outside)
XEV: Kai, wait!
KAI: Xev, the bats have gone. Stay at the inn. I have something I must do, alone
XEV: I know you have something to do - and I'm here to help you (smiles) KAI: You cannot help me
XEV: You think you always have to protect Stan and me, and most of the time it's probably true, but sometimes we can help you
(He walks on, so she follows)
(In the tavern, Stan finishes just one more drink)
STAN: I'm really really hungry. You gotta have something here I can eat, just some little thing
VANH: On Walpurgis Night a great feast is prepared at the castle
STAN: Oh, when is this Walpurgis Night?
STAN: Well, that's where I'm going
VANH: Tell me, Captain Tweedle was it? - have you ever heard of vampires?
STAN: Vampires? Er, no
VANH: The peasants believe all vampires are immortal. The damned, the curse of this land. It's hardly something an educated man believes in these days but still, it's a brave man who takes up an invitation to dine at Lord Dracul's table on Walpurgis Night
STAN: Well, Stanley H Tweedle is a brave man - well, you know, more or less, depending on the circumstances
VANH: They say the crucifix you wear around your neck is one of the few things that can deter a vampire from its hunger. A vampire will make no reflection in a mirror
(Van Helsing starts putting vampire repellents on the bar)
VANH: Garlic - holy water - the relics of the blessed - are supposed to protect you as well
STAN: I don't need any of that stuff
(He pushes it away)
VANH: The villagers will tell you that Lord Dracul, Count Vorga, is vampire incarnate, they will tell you this nonsense because they believe it themselves, but really - Dracul is nothing more than I am - a ruined old drunk
BORSCHT: I too am a ruined old drink, and it's no nonsense
STAN: OK - who do I believe?
(He points from one to the other. Father Borscht leaves the tavern)
VANH: Believe me, because my family have hunted vampires for generations. Believe me, because I came to Vorga seeking to claim my birthright as destroyer of the Dracul, and found nothing but smoke and mirrors, and peasants living in the shadow of ancient superstitions. Believe me, because my name is Joseph Van Helsing
STAN: Say, could I get some of that garlic and stuff from you, you know, just to be on the safe side?
(Xev and Kai are still in the village)
KAI: In death I have been a great darkness, but I know there are shadows that run darker still
XEV: Kai -
(They hear a scream, and run back to the tavern - everyone is outside, looking at a pool of blood. Kai picks up a crucifix)
KAI: Father Borscht
MUFFY: Looks like we're in for some action, girls
VANH: You can believe what you want to believe - it's smoke and mirrors I tell you - all smoke and mirrors
(And then a big old car pulls up. Out gets a man with wild hair, glasses - and a dress. It's Renfield)
RENF: Will you be dining with us tonight, Van Helsing?
VANH: No thank you, Renfield
(Van Helsing goes back into the tavern)
RENF: Anyway, the feast is ready. Count Dracul will receive all who wish to dine with him
MUFFY: Count us in then, monkey boy. We didn't come here for the sunshine
(The Goths get into the car)
KAI: I also would like to meet this Dracul
STAN: Er - I'm gonna stick with Kai and Xev
(Renfield laughs. They all get in, and drive away. Xev is in the front with Renfield, who has a strip of flypaper hanging inside the windscreen)
RENF: Look - no hands!
(He lets go of the steering wheel, buzzes, and takes a fly off the paper, eats it. Xev watches him)
RENF: Does my diet disgust you?
(In the back, the Goths are all over Kai)
MUFFY: Mmm, your friend Xev was right - you absolutely reek of death
KAI: I have killed many people
DAVINIA: Would you kill me?
MANDRA: I'm sure he'd much rather kill me
(Stan is sitting alone on the seat opposite)
STAN: So - girls, there's lots of room over here
MANDRA: And how many people have you killed?
STAN: Oh, I lost count after I blew up my first planet
MUFFY: I bet when you kill you like to get up close and personal, don't you Kai?
KAI: As an assassin in the Divine Order, I obeyed the instructions of His Divine Shadow precisely. Sometimes I killed very slowly to draw out the suffering
(The Goths like the sound of this)
DAVINIA: Do you have a special way, Mr Tweedle?
STAN: (tries to sound sexy) Oh, I have a special way to do - everything
(Kai leans forward, and hands Stan the piece of wood he was whittling)
KAI: I have carved something for you, Stanley
STAN: What's this
KAI: An ocarina. When blown correctly it should imitate the mating call of our moths
STAN: Mating call, uh? Well, you know, thanks Kai but - I don't find our moths attractive in any way
KAI: Some day you may. If I have a problem, return with Xev in the moth to the Lexx, then destroy this planet immediately
STAN: Yeah, I've been in favour of doing that for some time, Kai old pal
(The car approaches the castle. Kai opens the car door, fires his brace, and disappears off up into the tower)
STAN: He does that a lot. OK, so - now - (pats seat) - who wants to come over here and sit next to Stan the man?
(But the Goths would rather stroke and kiss each other)
STAN: Oh, come on girls! I'm gonna be dead someday too
DAVINIA: Soon, hopefully
(The car stops, and they get out)
RENF: This way
(Kai is up on a balcony. Stan shuts the car door behind the girls, and follows them into a huge hall)
XEV: Where's Kai?
STAN: I don't know. He fired his brace and disappeared
STAN: I don't know. Somewhere. I don't like it
DAVINIA: When I get home I'm definitely doing my bedroom like this
MUFFY: Make a change from all those Britney posters
RENF: Shh - silence
(At the top of a staircase, Dracul makes his entrance - evening dress, accent and all)
DRACUL: My friends, my children! Welcome to my home! Welcome to Castle Dracul!
STAN: Er - the guy down at the inn said something about food
DRACUL: Of course! The feast awaits
STAN: (laughs) Oh, now we're talking!
(Xev puts her hand on his shoulder)
XEV: Be careful Stanley. If he worries Kai then I think he should worry us too
STAN: Don't worry - I've got protection
(He is wearing crucifixes, garlic etc. inside his uniform. The Goths follow Dracul inside)
(Kai has found a lantern, and is walking down a narrow stone passage, using his brace to cut away cobwebs)
(Everyone is sitting at a long table, covered with food. Dracul is sharpening a knife)
DRACUL: I must congratulate Renfield. He's chosen the most attractive guests for me on this Walpurgis Night
XEV: We chose to come here by ourselves, Dracul
DRACUL: In that case, I shall ensure the pleasure is all yours
STAN: This pie - this is delicious. What's in this?
DRACUL: Dead things
XEV: What dead things?
DRACUL: Just dead things
(Stan puts his fork down, spits the pie out onto his napkin. Outside, lightning flashes, wolves howl)
MANDRA: The tour book says you've been throwing a feast like this on Walpurgis Night for years
DRACUL: Centuries. My family have always liked to invite the local people -
DAVINIA: Over for a bite?
(Muffy sighs - Davinia has wine smeared on her mouth)
MUFFY: God, Vinny, take a look in the mirror sometime!
(She throws her a compact mirror. Stan looks in it, remembering Van Helsing's words)
VANH: A vampire will make no reflection in a mirror
(And of course, Dracul has no reflection. Stan gasps)
DAVINIA: Is there a problem, Mr Tweedle?
STAN: Ah - I was just wondering - can I have some more dead thing pie?
DAVINIA: Help yourself
(Xev holds up a string of sausages, sniffs them. Dracul looks at her)
DRACUL: Your skin is so youthful, so alive
STAN: She's 4000 years old
(Xev gives him a look)
DRACUL: Then like me, you are well preserved (strokes her hair) Oh, you should wear your hair up. It accentuates your neck
(He pricks the back of her neck with his fingernail - just a drop of blood)
DRACUL: Tell me - there was another with you, a man in black. Where is he now?
STAN: He - he went outside, to pick flowers
DRACUL: The only flowers in my forests, are poisonous. Tell me
(He looks into Xev's eyes, puts his lips to her throat - then she pulls away)
XEV: He went looking for bats
(He gets up, undoes his uniform, and waves some garlic. Dracul hisses, and backs away)
STAN: See? I knew it, I knew it, he's a vampire! have a taste of this, Draccy!
(Then Renfield arrives, and pushes Stan back down onto his chair)
RENF: Mr Tweedle - sit down
DRACUL: It's all right Renfield. My guests must forgive me - I've not had company in quite some time, and my manners have all but died
RENF: Master, I am really sorry, but I come with terrible news. The wolves are abroad. No journeyman will reach the village alive
DRACUL: Oh, what a pity. It seems you will all stay here tonight
DRACUL: Wolves are very ferocious animals
STAN: So, we don't go anywhere near them
XEV: But maybe they taste good?
RENF: Er - the rains. The rains have washed away the, er - the bridge
RENF: Over the ravine
STAN: OK - how do we get outta here?
MUFFY:(laughs) We're staying
DRACUL: I'm afraid you have very little choice, you will stay here with me. Renfield - take our guests to their rooms. And prepare one more - I have a feeling we have another very special guest tonight. It's just a shame I've not met him yet
(Dracul looks up at a balcony high above - Kai is standing there)
(Renfield leads the way through some hanging tapestries. The Goths follow him upstairs, Stan and Xev whispering at the bottom of the staircase)
STAN: Did you see that, did you see how I spotted him? I knew he was a vampire
XEV: I don't care what he is, we have to find Kai and help him do whatever it is that he came here to do
STAN: But what about the girls, maybe I can help them too?
DAVINIA: Dracul is sooo mine
MANDRA: He is so mine!
MUFFY: No girls - we are all his
XEV: I think the girls will be just fine
STAN: Yeah, but, but - maybe I can save them, see - Kai can do whatever he's doing, and I can save the girls - I've got the technology!
XEV: Stan - I think we can give you a new stage. Stage four, for stupidity (smiles) STAN: You wish!
(He follows the girls upstairs. Then a hand grabs Xev's shoulder - but it's Kai. She hugs him)
XEV: Kai! I'm so pleased to see you
KAI: I can see that. The Count is not what Stanley understands to be a vampire
XEV: Are these vampire things what made you come here?
KAI: Yes and no
XEV: What do you mean?
(Kai leads her into an alcove)
KAI: I may not be the only creature to have survived the fall of the Cluster. Another being similar to me, may also have escaped from the Light Universe
XEV: How? It's been 4000 years since the Light Universe was destroyed. Wouldn't it need protoblood to keep going?
KAI: Protoblood - or a cryopod where it could remain in frozen sleep
XEV: So you think - there's another Divine Assassin on this planet?
KAI: The Divine Order commanded greater hunters then the Divine Assassins. Sometimes an assassin would malfunction, so His Shadow developed a special breed of super assassin, designed to hunt down and destroy those who, like me, failed to serve his purposes
XEV: Right. Well, if there is one here, we have to find his cryotube and destroy it
KAI: We can try. But we must be careful
(He turns his back on Xev to pick up a lantern)
KAI: I have been in hives like this before. They are the kind of place where people -
(Xev has gone. A section of the wall is sliding back into place)
KAI: - vanish
(Kai heads down the passage)
(Renfield opens the door to a bedchamber. Stan and the Goths go inside)
RENF: You can all stay here tonight. Oh, and - sleep lightly. The master may seek your audience. Seek your audience, yeah
(Renfield leaves. Stan sits down on the bed)
STAN: Only one bed? So, which one of you girls wants to enjoy the pleasure of being - saved, by me first?
MANDRA: You don't get it, do you Mr Tweedle?
DAVINIA: We don't want to be saved
MUFFY: Show him, girls
(The girls pull their hair away from their necks. Stan looks - they each have letters tattooed there)
STAN: Er, yes, very nice - so what does all that mean?
MUFFY: Our blood types. We thought the Count might want to know what flavour he's getting
STAN: You mean, you'd rather have him bite you?
STAN: Than have a good time with me?
STAN: You (does up his uniform) are very sick individuals
MUFFY: We're Goths!
(Stan tries the door - it's locked)
(Kai walks down a spiral stone staircase, and into a crypt. A light is shining on a tomb. Kai checks his parchment, and starts clearing cobwebs away. Renfield creeps up behind him with an old gun, but Kai grabs it, throws it onto the floor)
RENF: Mitch (?) Renfield, at your service. So - you're a hunter of vampires?
KAI: I am a hunter, but not of vampires
RENF: Ah, really - and what do you hunt?
KAI: I once hunted people. Today I hunt a greater evil
RENF: What, what greater evil?
KAI: Perhaps the darkness that spawned your vampire legends
RENF: Then it seems you know the truth behind the veil
KAI: What lies behind the veil?
RENF: My great grandfather was the first of my family to encounter the master
(He jumps up onto the tomb)
RENF: He discovered an ancient myth, about a demon who fell to earth. Weakened by its fall, the creature needed to find more of its blood. So it took to men and women, made them hunger for the blood of their own. Now, they would serve the demon, by drawing in new prey, and in return the demon would nurture them
(Renfield jumps down, as Kai slides the lid off the tomb. Inside is the body of Father Borscht)
KAI: Father Borscht. He spoke of a master of the land, who could create servants to do his bidding
RENF: If you like - and there is absolutely no obligation - I can show you the true origin of the myth of the vampire
(Renfield lurches away. Kai follows him)
(Xev walks through a doorway, into a bedchamber. Dracul is standing by the window)
XEV: Dracul! What is going on here?
DRACUL: This castle is very old. It has many secrets - just like you
XEV: I don't have any secrets (smiles) DRACUL: Would you care for a glass of wine?
(He hands her a goblet, and she drinks)
XEV: Aren't you going to have some too?
(Xev drinks some more, smiles)
XEV: It's good
DRACUL: You are very beautiful, Xev
XEV: Thank you. I wasn't always, you know
DRACUL: Such hair. Such eyes. Such lips. Such life
XEV: Dracul - do you want me? Because I tell you something - you can have me. I'm a love slave
DRACUL: How interesting
XEV: I'll do anything
DRACUL: I see. You wish for my embrace?
XEV: For starters, anyway. So, how about it? (drinks) DRACUL: More wine?
XEV: Yes please
(Dracul moves closer - and Xev falls backwards onto the bed, unconscious)
(Meanwhile, Stan is in a state of panic)
STAN: OK, first we find Xev and then we get out of here. No no - first we get out of here, and then we find Xev. We just -
(He looks out of the window - it's a long way down)
STAN: Definitely not getting out that way. I tried the door before, right?
MANDRA: Three times
(Stan bangs on the door)
STAN: Help! Help! I'm stuck in here with three girls wearing too much makeup, who want somebody to suck their blood!
DAVINIA: Hey, we're not wearing too much makeup!
(Suddenly Dracul flings open the door - slamming it into Stan's face)
DRACUL: My children - the time has come
STAN: Sorry to break the news to you, pal, but nobody's sucking anybody's blood around here, while Stan the man is in charge
(Stan holds up a holy relic, but Dracul doesn't seem worried)
DRACUL: I'm sorry to disappoint you Mr Tweedle, but that will not work on me this time
MUFFY: Get with the plan, Stan. We invited him in, so that destroys any power you may have over him
STAN: You stay out of this, I'm gonna save you whether you like it or not
(He holds up some garlic)
DRACUL: Oh, no - garlic just gives me bad breath
(Stan tries some of the other things hanging from his neck)
DRACUL: No - no - sorry
(Stan is backed onto the window ledge)
STAN: Don't make me jump!
DRACUL: Yes, jump! It will tenderise you. Is there anything else you would like to try on me?
(Stan blows on Kai's ocarina. In the clearing, the moth hears it, and takes off)
DRACUL: Oh dear - I was at least expecting a gun
STAN: OK, what can I say? You win, I lose
DRACUL: That's right. We win - you die
GOTHS: Jump! Jump! Jump!
(Muffy pushes Stan out of the window. He falls, dragging her with him - and they land on the moth)
STAN: Are we dead yet?
MUFFY: You bastard!
STAN: I don't believe it, it worked!
MUFFY: You absolute bastard!
STAN: Oh Kai, I think I love you!
(Meanwhile, Renfield leads Kai to a narrow passage - body shaped)
RENF: I gotta tell you, it's taken an age to find a man worthy of taking this path, and I'm quietly confident that you are that man. Enter
RENF: What, you have fear?
KAI: No, as I cannot feel the emotion
RENF: Then what is holding you back?
KAI: Perhaps you should have fear. If this is a trap, I will kill you
RENF: Yeah. Enter - please, please
(Kai enters the passage - Renfield turns a handle, then pulls on a chain, which lowers the front of an iron maiden over the entrance to the passage. Inside, Kai sees the other half, with spikes protruding from it, coming towards him. He turns, but is trapped between the two halves. The spikes go all the way through)
RENF: Say hello to mummy!
(He laughs, runs a finger along a spike, flicks a drop of protoblood away)
(Stan and Muffy are now inside the moth)
STAN: You worried about your friends?
MUFFY: Probably vampires by now, lucky bitches. Are you going back for your friends?
STAN: Well I really really really don't wanna go back there, and neither should you
MUFFY: Look, if I'm not getting off with Dracul, I am definitely getting off with Kai!
STAN: They don't deserve my help, but I will go back and help them - soon as I've had another glass of that funny water they have at the inn
MUFFY: (smiles) You mean booze?
STAN: Booze? That's a good name for it. Booze
(In the castle, Dracul puts his arms around the Goth girls)
DRACUL: Well, at least I still have two of you. You first
(He goes to bite Mandragora - who slaps him)
MANDRA: Ah ah ah - fangs off!
DRACUL: You will serve me, I am a vampire!
DAVINIA: Don't think so
(Mandragora pulls out his fake fangs, drops them on the floor)
DRACUL: Oh. You have defanged me
(She crushes them underfoot)
DRACUL: I'm supposed to bite things!
MANDRA: Oh, you bite all right. You also suck
DRACUL: How dare you talk to me like that! I am Dracul!
MANDRA: You're nothing, bat boy. You let Captain Tweedle get away
DRACUL: Ah, yes - but I have the girl Xev. I captured her - for you
DAVINIA: The girl?
(The girls hold hands, and leave)
(Renfield turns a handle, raising the iron maiden up to the ceiling. He laughs, and walks away)
(The moth flies to the village. Stan and Muffy go back into the inn - the peasants all go quiet as they walk in)
STAN: All right, all right
STAN: Five drinks - all booze
(A peasant comes up behind Stan, checks his neck for bite marks)
PEASANT: You survived the Count's feast!
(Stan starts drinking)
VANH: Of course he survived
PEASANT: Dracul is a curse on us. He does not just rule this land, he drains it of life!
STAN: Yeah, he might. He might rip off your heads and spit down your throat, and he might - er - rip open your guts and use them to make little baskets
(Stan drinks some more, then belches)
MUFFY: You are so embarrassing
STAN: Well, so what? This could be your chance. This could be your one chance to show him that sure he can, he can take your finest rarest meats, and he can take your - your other things, but he cannot take your freedom!
(The peasants all cheer at this)
PEASANT: Does he have any good food up there?
STAN: He's got dead thing pie
PEASANT: I love dead thing pie!
(The peasants start waving their forks)
STAN: Yeah, guys, I think you're gonna need bigger weapons than that
(The peasants rush out onto the street, chanting, waving farm implements etc.)
VANH: Finally - some progress in these peasants' lives
PEASANT: To the castle! Dead thing pie! Dead thing pie!
(Van Helsing holds back from the mob)
STAN: Are you coming?
(Van Helsing goes back inside the inn)
STAN: Hey hey hey hey - I thought you said vampires didn't exist, that it was all nonsense
VANH: They don't exist - at least, I don't think they exist. I can't go up there
(He closes the inn door. Stan grabs a torch)
STAN: Dead thing pie!
(The mob starts marching to the castle)
(Xev is now lying on the bed, wearing the traditional white night-dress. She stretches, then wakes up properly and looks around her. She goes to stand by the window)
GOTHS: Xev! Xev!
(Xev looks. Mandragora and Davinia are in the room with her)
MANDRA: We've come to be with you Xev
XEV: (dreamy) Have you been eaten yet?
DAVINIA: Oh, we were eaten a long time ago (she gets onto bed) and now - we want to eat you. After all - you're young, and strong, and full of kisses (strokes Xev) XEV: Sure I am - full of kisses for everyone
(Xev smiles, and lies back on the bed)
(The mob is closer to the castle. Through the thunder and lightning can be heard that unlikely battle cry - dead thing pie!)
(Dracul walks in to the room where the iron maiden is dangling from the ceiling. He starts ranting at it)
DRACUL: I am the master of this castle! I am Lord Dracul, Count of Vorga, and my authority will not be usurped. Look at me - am I not glorious? This is not a charade
(Dracul takes an axe, uses it to slide open the eye plate on the iron maiden - bad idea. Kai fires his brace through it, cutting the chain and dropping the iron maiden to the floor. It opens, and Kai pulls himself free of the spikes)
DRACUL: Oh, bugger!
(The mob is now at the castle gates)
MOB: Dead thing pie! Dead thing pie! Dead thing pie!
PEASANT: Lynch mob!
(They open the gates)
STAN: (to Muffy) That was easy
(Kai aims his brace at Dracul)
DRACUL: I'm not a vampire
KAI: Why do you pretend to be this Dracul?
DRACUL: I'm just an English actor! Listen - I was paid to do this job by the real owner of this castle - it's just a show to keep the peasants in line!
(Kai lowers his brace)
DRACUL: You know, I was offered Richard III at the National Theatre, and I turned it down just to do this bloody job!
KAI: Where is the real owner?
DRACUL: I don't know, I've never met him. Renfield is the go-between
(Renfield enters the room. Dracul starts putting on his act again)
DRACUL: I am the master -
RENF: You're not the master, you're a fool
(Kai grabs Renfield's neck with his brace)
KAI: Where is the master?
RENF: This is my castle. I am the only master. There was no go-between. It was all just a ruse to put the stupid peasants in their place
(Kai retracts his brace, looks at Dracul)
KAI: Is he the only master?
(Stan and Muffy arrive on the scene, along with the chanting mob. Renfield pulls a small crossbow out from behind his back, and shoots Dracul)
MUFFY: Good shot!
STAN: Well, that's a switch - five minutes ago you were ready to have his little vampire babies
MUFFY: We all have phases
(Dracul looks back at Renfield)
DRACUL: That wasn't in my contract!
(Dracul falls down, dead. Renfield hurriedly tries to reload)
KAI: Why did you kill him?
RENF: Because he was a bad actor!
(Renfield aims at Kai, but Kai kills him)
STAN: Now that's what I call a good shot!
(Muffy looks down at Renfield, kicks the crossbow away from him, and walks on. Stan follows her)
(In the bedchamber, Xev is lying back, while the Goth girls touch her, kiss her)
GOTHS: Join us, Xev. Burn with us. Burn with us. Hold us. Join us
(Then they hear a shout)
(The Goths leave. Xev opens her eyes)
XEV: Hey! (sits up) I was just starting to have fun!
(Muffy is stroking the spikes of the iron maiden. Kai walks past her on his way to the door)
MUFFY: Were you in here?
MUFFY: What did it feel like?
KAI: It was a penetrating experience
(Kai leaves. Stan is about to follow, but Muffy stops him)
STAN: (suspicious) For what?
MUFFY: For rescuing me
(She takes his torch, throws it away)
MUFFY: How can I show my gratitude?
STAN: (smiles) In many ways
MUFFY: Well - there's no time like the present, is there?
STAN: My thoughts exactly
(She leads him away into a room. He kisses her hand)
(Muffy takes her dress off. Stan is too distracted by her purple lingerie to notice the Cluster tattoo on her stomach)
(Xev and Kai are in the entrance hall. Xev has changed back into her blue poodle outfit, but without the jacket)
XEV: Have you found what you were looking for?
XEV: Is that a bad thing or a good thing?
KAI: It is not a bad thing
XEV: I'm quite ready to leave Transylvania right now, are you?
XEV: Good. I've been having the strangest dreams here
(Xev and Kai walk out into the courtyard, and hear Stan's voice)
STAN: Uh huh, uh huh - twist it! Twist it!
XEV: Sounds like Stan is finally getting some enjoyment
MANDRA: Bye bye
(Davinia and Mandragora wave from a balcony. Xev and Kai walk over, look up at them. Muffy walks onto the balcony)
MUFFY: Smell my fingers
MANDRA: Time to show the queen bitch
(Davinia sniffs. Stan joins the girls. Mandragora takes his hat while Muffy removes the garlic and crosses from his neck)
XEV: That was quick
(Stan puts his hat back on, smiles, waves - but something isn't right about him)
STAN: I'm not finished yet, but I soon will be, I promise!
(Davinia leads him away. Lightning strikes the top of the tower. There's a large Cluster symbol on the roof, which opens. Down inside the bottom of the tower is a passage, at the end of which is a cryopod. The Goths approach it, and a woman speaks)
VLAD: Why have you awakened me?
MANDRA: Renfield has been lost
VLAD: Then you must replace him. You need not awaken me to do that
MUFFY: We have replaced him. We woke you to tell our mistress that we have served you well - very very well
(She rubs her finger on Vlad's withered lips. Vlad licks at the protoblood)
STAN: We can get you more
(He pushes his way in front of the Goths)
STAN: We can get you all you need
(He smiles. A wolf howls)