(K-Town. Prince has just made a surprise appearance behind Stan and Xev)
XEV: So, Prince - I suppose that's your new city
(Xev points behind her, to the window)
XEV: Over there, where your balloon is taking Kai
(Prince walks past Xev to look out of the window)
PRINCE: That is not one of my balloons. And that city is Hogtown. I'm not ruler there
STAN: Why not?
PRINCE: Because I don't like it. That is my new city
(He points to another tower, further away)
PRINCE: A lot like the old one - but then, nothing much changes around here
STAN: Uh huh. Well, you know - we don't believe ya
PRINCE: If the balloon was one of mine, they would have picked me up. Don't you agree?
(Prince strokes Stan's face. Xev walks up behind him)
XEV: How about here? Do you rule this place too then?
PRINCE: No. It is far too unruly. I'm a visitor here, just like you
STAN: Boy, I don't trust you
PRINCE: I'm not trustworthy
(The balloon floats towards Hogtown. Two balloonists hold Kai upright, while another man - the procurer - takes his leg measurement. Then the balloonists sit Kai down, and the procurer makes notes in a little book)
PROC: Sir, I must ask you - how is it that you are alive?
KAI: I am not alive
(A balloonist moves Kai's leg)
PROC: Sir, does that cause you pain?
(The procurer nods at the balloonist, who twists Kai's leg until the bones crunch)
(The balloonist twists Kai's arm. The procurer winces - Kai, of course, does not)
KAI: The dead do not feel pain
(The procurer makes a note of this)
PROC: Sir - who threw you off the edge?
KAI: My friends. Where are you taking me?
PROC: You have now been procured. We must process your claim
(Kai does not look happy at this. The balloon sails on)
(Meanwhile, Prince stares out of the window, as Stan and Xev decide how far to trust him)
STAN: That is his balloon, I'm sure of it
STAN: Well, it's like he said, he's not trustworthy. So if he says it is his balloon, I say it's not!
(Xev walks back to Prince. Stan follows)
PRINCE: So Xev, how about a kiss?
(Xev doesn't answer)
PRINCE: Look - the balloon's landed, on Hogtown
STAN: So this Hogtown place, you know, is it dangerous?
PRINCE: No. Yes
(He looks at Stan, who doesn't know which answer to believe)
PRINCE: It's not their actions that kill you, but the process will certainly finish you off
XEV: Whatever. They have Kai, so we have to go there and get him
(Xev turns and walks away)
STAN: It doesn't matter how we get there, what really matters is that we gotta go to the Lexx first, where it's safe
STAN: Well, I don't know! Somehow
PRINCE: Perhaps you'll sprout wings and fly, can you do that?
PRINCE: Well neither can I
STAN: Well that's a relief
PRINCE: (laughs) So, here we are. Stanley and Prince and Xev, stuck together. So I guess it's time for us to make a deal to help each other out. One that works for us all
STAN: You are not gonna help us, and that's for sure
XEV: And why should we help you?
PRINCE: Now, you want Kai. Let me see, what do I want? - well, I always want the same thing, to destroy the planet Water. So, I will agree to take you to Kai, if you will agree to help me destroy the planet Water using your ship, the Lexx
STAN: (laughs) No no no no no. You said it yourself, you're not trustworthy
PRINCE: True, but I never break my deals
XEV: How will you bring us to Kai?
PRINCE: I know a way to get to Hogtown
SAN: Yeah, you already told us - sprout wings and fly
PRINCE: A real one
XEV: Do you have a balloon?
STAN: OK, so we can't fly, and if we try to walk across there the heat's gonna kill us, so you don't have a way
(Xev walks around Prince)
PRINCE: I do
STAN: OK, what is it?
PRINCE: (laughs) Do we have a deal? Stanley, once you were willing to destroy the planet Water for the sake of a woman you thought you loved. Xev does love Kai. Destroy it for her, as a gift
PRINCE: No what?
XEV: No, we're not going to make a deal
PRINCE: Why not?
XEV: Because you don't know how to get to Kai
PRINCE: I do!
STAN: He's lying
(Xev walks around Prince again)
PRINCE: I may be bad, but I always stick to my deals and I very rarely ever lie - it's much more fun to tell the truth
XEV: So if you do know a way to get to Kai, we could find it too
PRINCE: Good luck
(He walks away, then looks back at them)
PRINCE: I didn't really mean that
XEV: Of course not
STAN: OK, so now how are we gonna find Kai?
XEV: A walk across the desert
STAN: Oh, right, right, right, and die in the process. Come on Xev, even you can't walk across that
XEV: Prince will take us
XEV: We didn't help him, so next he'll try Kai
(They walk out of the room, and catch a glimpse of Prince at the bottom of some stairs)
STAN: There he goes
(Hogtown. A room with the atmosphere of a court. Lots of candles, lots of paperwork. A man and woman - the Adjudicator and Adjudicatrix - and lots of people in black with varying red spots on their foreheads, sat behind a bench. Kai is strapped to a chair in front of them)
VOICE: This adjudication will commence
ADJUD: It is our responsibility to attempt to record for posterity the many incidents of extreme human pain and degradation that are performed daily here on this planet called Fire. We ourselves do not participate in such practices, but -
(Kai starts to sing Yo A O)
ADJUD: We believe the recordation of such incidents will, in time, open a door to a progressive and orderly future, free of such suffering. Do you understand?
KAI: No (the dead are not impressed by all this) ADJUD: We do not expect you to understand. However, we want you to understand the importance of our commission. That is why we insist that each claimant answer a few questions, so that we may, in time, better understand the physiognomy of human evil. The process is fair and impartial. All are treated equally. Adjudicatrix -
ADJUX: You were found in the desert. From where do you originate?
KAI: From Brunnis Two, by way of the Cluster
ADJUD: Where is that?
KAI: In the Light Zone. The other universe
PROC: If I may refer the commission, to the claimant's statement - section 3, paragraph 1B of my procurement report
ADJUD: Thank you, procurer (looks at report) He is not from Fire?
PROC: The claimant claims not to be, Adjudicator
ADJUD: I don't understand
PROC: The claimant also claims - to be dead. Section 7, paragraph 5A
KAI: I assume that this process will inevitably lead to some sort of punishment? I request that you cut this process short, and throw me off the edge of the city
ADJUD: Claimants are not permitted to request punishment at this stage. The claimant must wait for the final adjudication
(Kai pulls a face)
(Stan and Xev turn a corner down some steps, only to see a huge staircase - think Escher)
STAN: Oh boy. How far down does that thing go?
(Xev picks up a piece of rubble)
XEV: We can tell how far down it goes by how long it takes until we hear this hit the bottom
(Xev throws the brick over the edge. Stan starts to count on his fingers - for quite a while)
STAN: Can you hear anything?
STAN: That's far, Xev
STAN: Maybe it doesn't have a bottom
XEV: It has to
STAN: I don't know about this, Xev
XEV: Got any other ideas?
(She starts down)
STAN: Hey, hey, hey, wait up, wait up! It's not a good idea to get so far ahead
(He catches up with her. They start walking down the stairs)
(Later. Stan is out of breath, and Xev, in the lead, is slowing)
STAN: You know, it's OK for you, you're part Cluster lizard. But I don't think I can last much longer, in this kind of heat. I don't know if it was a good idea anyway. I mean, we haven't seen Prince since we left the top. We got no, no idea where we are
XEV: We're at the bottom
STAN: How do you know?
XEV: I counted the steps
XEV: This was number thirty-nine thousand exactly. That's enough to reach the bottom
SAN: Oh. Well that's nice. So - where to now?
XEV: Do you want to go back up again?
STAN: No, what are you trying to do, kill me?
(Xev looks around)
XEV: So - which direction do you want to go then?
STAN: I don't know. I want you to choose. That way, when everything goes terribly awful, I get the satisfaction of blaming you
XEV: (smiles) Thanks Stan
(Xev sucks her finger, holds it up)
XEV: Air's coming from that direction, and it's cooler
STAN: Yeah, it is, a bit
(Xev starts off down the tunnel)
(She goes back to Stan, puts her arm around his shoulder. He puts his arm around her waist)
STAN: OK, OK, OK, OK, OK - but I'm gonna blame you when everything goes wrong
XEV: Oh, that's OK
STAN: I mean it!
STAN: I hope we don't have to go much further
XEV: It shouldn't be too far
(They walk down the tunnel. In the desert above, their voices can be heard faintly, coming from air vents sticking out of the sand)
STAN: Xev. Xev
XEV: Yes Stan?
STAN: You gotta slow down Xev. I'm gonna overheat
(The tunnel is darker ahead of them. There is a faint sound of female gasps)
XEV: What's that?
XEV: I heard something
STAN: Maybe we should go back
XEV: To what?
STAN: I wish I had something
XEV: For what?
STAN: To protect myself
XEV: From what?
STAN: I don't know what
(Stan stops. Xev goes on)
STAN: Be careful, Xev
XEV: I will
STAN: Be very careful
(Down the tunnel, Xev hears laughter, and sees two demented ballerinas. They flit away)
(Stan starts moving down the tunnel)
STAN: Xev! Xev!
(He sees shadows moving ahead)
(Further along the tunnel, Xev walks down a sandy slope - and into a trap. A net pulls her up to the ceiling)
(Stan hears a sound, and turns, to see a man hunkered down at the side of the tunnel. This is Doctor Rainbow. He is wearing a tattered black coat with a grubby feathered head-dress, and rocking backwards and forwards, gnawing his bandaged knuckles)
RAIN: I know I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't (over and over again)
(Stan tries to pass him, but this part of the tunnel is narrow. Rainbow grabs his arm)
RAIN: Don't go down there
STAN: Er - thanks for the advice (shouts) Xev!
RAIN: Don't go down there!
RAIN: They'll hurt you (scared) They always do
(Meanwhile, in Hogtown, Kai is defiantly singing Yo A O again)
PROC: The claimant will please assist the adjudicating committee to adjudicate his claim
(Kai struggles weakly in the chair)
ADJUX: For the record - procurer, this man you procured from the desert, claims in your procurement report that he has been an assassin. Is that correct?
PROC: That is correct, Adjudicatrix
KAI: Once again, I request that you throw me from the edge of the city
ADJUX: Claimant, you will not progress your claim until you respect the rules and procedures by which this adjudication commission adjudicates its claims
KAI: I withdraw all claims and request that this - commission, throw me from the edge of this city
ADJUX: Claimant, have you ever suffered torture, degradation, or other evil on this planet?
KAI: Yes - from this commission
(Shocked, those on the bench raise their hands, then cross them over their chests)
ADJUD: Default rule 1 - Accusations against the commission are not recordable
ADJUX: Claimant - have you in fact ever assassinated anyone?
KAI: I have killed mothers with their babies. I have killed great philosophers, and proud young warriors. I have killed the evil, and the good, the intelligent, the weak and the beautiful - but it's been a while since I slaughtered a whole room full of petty bureaucrats!
(The dead are quite cross. Kai starts singing Yo A O again)
PROC: The claimant wil answer the Adjudicatrix's question. Those who do not comply with the commission are subject to standard punishment number 1
KAI: What's that?
PROC: One is thrown off the edge of the city to their death
KAI: I request standard punishment number 1
ADJUD: Claimants are not allowed to request specific punishments. This commission has the sole right to adjudicate the claimant's claim
KAI: Look - here, at my arm. Look, here, come. Come here. I think it will answer your questions
(The procurer looks at the Adjudicator, and walks to Kai)
KAI: Feel along the muscle
PROC: What has this to do with the Adjudicator's question?
KAI: Are you afraid? I do not even have the strength to raise my arm
(The procurer takes Kai's right arm, sees the brace casing)
KAI: A little higher. A little higher
PROC: What's that?
KAI: Squeeze it
PROC: I do not know if it is permitted. Is it permitted?
(He looks at the Adjudicator, then squeezes Kai's brace - which shoots out, grabbing the Adjudicator's neck)
KAI: At least my fall fixed that part of me
ADJUD: What do you want?
KAI: I request that you throw me off the edge of this city
ADJUD: This adjudication commission hereby grants the claimant standard punishment number 1
(The people on the bench stamp various bits of paperwork. Kai retracts his brace)
(Back in the tunnel, Stan is trying to get away from Rainbow)
STAN: I have to go now
RAIN: Please don't
STAN: Look, just let go of my hand, because I've gotta catch up with somebody
RAIN: I can't let go
STAN: (nervous) Why?
RAIN: Because I'll hurt me
STAN: Well, I'm sorry to hear that, but I gotta go, right now
RAIN: Please don't leave me
RAIN: They want to hurt me
(Stan crouches down, and tries to reason with him)
STAN: Who wants to hurt you?
RAIN: They do
STAN: (very calm voice) No. No, they won't hurt you. I'll see to it that they won't hurt you. Xev and me, we'll both see to it that they won't, as soon as I get to her
RAIN: Who's Xev?
STAN: My friend. She just passed by here, a few minutes ago. I'm surprised you didn't see her. So - you let go of my hand (pats Rainbow's hand) and I'll go get her. OK?
(Rainbow lets go. Stan gets up. Then Rainbow holds out his hand again, big puppy dog eyes. Stan takes his hand - and Rainbow pulls him to the ground, sits on him, ties his hands)
RAIN: I'm a doctor. You can trust me
(Rainbow holds his hand over Stan's mouth till he blacks out)
(Elsewhere, a bound Xev is being dragged along by the ballerinas - Minx and Lynx - who are in turn on the end of a chain held by a scary looking woman. This is Bruise, who's wearing something that looks like a cross between Giggerota's costume and a scuba suit. They put Xev on the floor by a huge man trap, and cackle. Xev hisses at Bruise, who just licks her lips at her. Minx and Lynx sit on either side of the trap, with their feet pressed against each other, and pull the jaws apart. It snaps shut. They laugh, pull it open again, then take Xev and lie her down with her head between the jaws. They laugh again)
(Stan is calling for Xev, but it's muffled, as he's gagged and bound to a frame in the centre of Rainbow's very primitive operating theatre. Rainbow takes Stan's boots, sniffs them, then hangs them on the wall - there's already a lot of footwear up there)
RAIN: My name is Rainbow - but you can call me Doctor Rainbow
(Stan makes a muffled reply)
RAIN: Sorry, I missed that. I'll take this off. No-one can hear you
(He tags the gag off)
STAN: Let me out of this place
RAIN: That's why I like to come here. Because this is where I do my best work
(Rainbow gets out his tools)
STAN: What kind of work?
(Rainbow holds up a nasty looking blade)
(He walks over to Stan)
RAIN: I'm going to make you better
STAN: You don't have to make me feel better, I feel just fine. Look, really, I'm perfectly perfectly perfectly perfectly all right
RAIN: No no no no no no no. There are parts of you you'd be much better off without
STAN: What parts?
RAIN: Bad parts. Dirty parts. Parts I'm going to cut away
(Stan looks sick)
(Bruise takes a pole and hits the sand - near the trap's trigger. She laughs, and does it again. The third time, she hits the trigger - but the ballerinas pull Xev away just in time. They drag her up onto a ledge looking into another room - the floor of which is covered with traps)
(Stan pulls on his chains, but it's no use. Rainbow is scrubbing his hands, in sand)
RAIN: I'm sorry. I don't have anything to stop the bleeding. There's nothing I can do about that
STAN: OK. Now listen buddy. Whatever it is that you want, I don't wanna have any part of it, OK?
(Rainbow sharpens his blade)
RAIN: They scream, when I first cut them. Then after a while, they stop. They always do. There. It doesn't have to be very sharp to do the job, to do the job, to do the job. Right. They always stop, always stop
(Rainbow gnaws at his knuckles)
STAN: Listen buddy, buddy, what do you want, huh? Look, whatever it is I'll help you get it, OK? OK? I'm Stanley H Tweedle, I'm the captain of the Lexx. It's the most powerful destructive force in the two universes
RAIN: You'll stop screaming too
(Stan is terrified now)
RAIN: I told you - she can't hear you. No-one can hear you here except for me. But it doesn't bother me. Because I'm used to it
(He starts to undo Stan's uniform)
RAIN: Because I'm used to it. I'm used to it, I'm used to it, I'm used to it, I'm used to it
(Xev is balancing on the edge of the ledge. The ballerinas are holding poles. They twirl towards Xev, back to Bruise, back to Xev)
(Rainbow starts aiming at a piece of wood sticking out from between Stan's legs)
RAIN: They scream when I cut them. When I cut them, they scream. When I cut them, they scream. When I cut them, they scream. When I cut them -
(As Rainbow raises his blade - Prince grabs his arm)
PRINCE: I'll take that
RAIN: I was just trying to help him
PRINCE: No you weren't
RAIN: I was just trying to help him
(Rainbow backs off, then runs away. Stan shouts after him)
STAN: Just trying to cut me open. Just trying to cut me open. Just trying to cut me open!
(Prince tests the blade with his thumb)
PRINCE: Ouch! That would have hurt
(He unchains Stan)
STAN: Whoa. I have to say thank you. I have to ask - why?
PRINCE: Consider it a goodwill gesture. If I help you, then maybe eventually you will help me - out of gratitude (smiles) STAN: I won't help you blow up another planet. Where's Xev?
PRINCE: Like you, I suspect that she too is in a spot of trouble
(He hands the knife to Stan)
(The ballerinas hold Xev, leaning her back over the edge. Bruise snaps her teeth at Xev. The ballerinas lean forward on one leg - and Prince pushes them over into the man traps. Bruise is pulled forward by the chains. Prince grabs her foot - then pushes her in as well. There are screams. On the ledge, Xev looks up at Prince)
PRINCE: Saved by your Prince
(Later. Stan, Prince and Xev are walking along a very dark tunnel)
STAN: It's hot down here, but it's not as hot as it is on the surface. How come?
PRINCE: It's the geology. The rocks down here produce some heat, but not as much as in other places. It is possible for a human being to survive down here, for a few days at least - survive the heat that is, not necessarily his fellow man
PRINCE: The people who are condemned to live down here do not have their own city, because they are the bad of the bad. They are the sick, the truly evil. They kill for the pleasure they exact from the act of killing. Up until now they only had each other to hunt down, but that was until you came along and made things more interesting
STAN: Well it's absolutely not interesting for me, not at all
PRINCE: No, not for you, but for them, yes, for them you are fresh meat, a rare treat (chuckles) Why, you haven't even died once yet. Not since the day you were born
XEV: You said born. How come? I thought you didn't know that people were born
PRINCE: Well, you told me yourself about people being born, where you come from - don't you remember Xev?
(They hear screaming up ahead)
STAN: What was that?
PRINCE: I don't know - but that is the way to Hogtown, where we saw them take your dead man in black. After you
STAN: No, no, no - you go first
PRINCE: As you please - but they can come from ahead, or from behind, from above or below. Nowhere is safe in the tunnels
(Prince leads the way, to a staircase piled with books)
XEV: It's a dead end
STAN: He's tricked us, to get us down here
PRINCE: For what purpose?
STAN: I don't know, but whatever it is I don't like it
(Prince tilts Stan's chin upwards. There is a small hole in the ceiling above them)
STAN: Oh no. No no no no no. Stanley H Tweedle is not gonna crawl up in that little hole
PRINCE: That's all right. You can stay down here if you like - alone. In the tunnels
(Prince starts up the stairs. Xev follows)
STAN: I'm not going up there
(Prince is now crouching at the top of the hole. The room seems deserted. The only movement is bits of paperwork on pulleys)
XEV: What's up there?
STAN: What's really up there, Prince?
PRINCE: As I said - paper
(He stands up)
PRINCE: Lots and lots of it
STAN: Is it safe?
STAN: What do you mean?
PRINCE: Nowhere is safe on the planet Fire
STAN: I don't trust him
XEV: Neither do I
STAN: You're not gonna go up there?
STAN: I think you're making a big mistake
XEV: What do you want to do Stan, stay down here in the tunnels?
(Xev reaches for the hole, starts to pull herself up)
STAN: Be careful, Xev
(Hogtown. The Adjudicator and Adjudicatrix watch as an assistant drags Kai in chains to the edge of the city)
ADJUD: I don't understand. Why do you want standard punishment number 1?
KAI: Because my systems are out of alignment
(The assistant pushes him over the edge. Kai lands on a ledge, rolls himself off, falls all the way down into the sand. This time, it's worked. He gets up and removes his chains, then fires his brace up at Hogtown. He gets onto the procurer's gondola)
KAI: I must procure this balloon from you
PROC: It is not permitted
KAI: Perhaps not, but I have been realigned
(He uses his brace to cut the mooring rope. The balloon flies away. The procurer watches, and starts to hum Yo A O)
(Prince walks back to the hole, looks out of the tower. He sees the balloon approaching, and smiles)
STAN: Xev? Xev, can you hear me?
(Prince crouches at the hole)
PRINCE: Hello, Stanley
STAN: Where's Xev?
PRINCE: Exploring. So, are you going to come up?
STAN: I hate small tiny places, I really hate 'em
PRINCE: Well, you can stay down there if you want to, but I think I should advise you that they always stay down there, in the tunnels. It's part of their punishment
(Prince stands up)
STAN: Now you tell me
(Stan starts piling books under the hole. Prince walks away. Stan gets up on the books, but he's still not able to reach the hole. Finally, his head emerges at the top of the hole. Prince is nowhere to be seen)
(Someone grabs him from below)
(Stan drops back down into the tunnel - next to Doctor Rainbow)
RAIN: They scream when I cut them
(Stan screams, and runs)
RAIN: They scream when I cut them, when I cut them. There's no time for anaesthetic
(Stan runs down the tunnel, with Rainbow in pursuit)
STAN: Somebody, somebody help! This isn't happening. This isn't happening. Go away!
(Stan trips, then carries on running - Rainbow is close behind him)
STAN: Go away!
(Prince is in the tunnels. He hears Stan, and heads in his direction)
(Stan has managed to run right back into Rainbow's lair. Rainbow catches him, backs him up against a wall, and laughs)
RAIN: I'm used to the screaming. I'm used to it. I'm used to it. I'm used to it
(Stan looks petrified - then someone grabs Rainbow's knife, and sticks it in his stomach)
(Rainbow staggers, then falls down)
STAN: Oh, thank you. Thank you, thank you
(Stan looks at his saviour - a rather scary looking man, in a red dress, and hat with veil)
BUNZ: It wouldn't have hurt that much
(He runs the knife along Stan's face)
BUNZ: Because, he doesn't know where the nerves are. But I do
STAN: Oh no. No, no
(The knife is at his nose now)
BUNZ: See, I'm a doctor
STAN: Oh no no no no no no
(Doctor Bunz raises the knife - and Prince grabs his arm. They struggle. Rainbow grabs a knife and stabs Prince in the back, then stabs Bunz as well)
BUNZ: (cross) You hit the nerve!
(Bunz stabs Prince in the chest, and they all fall down)
PRINCE: Stanley. Stanley
(Rainbow sniffs at a shoe, then dies. Bunz tries to crawl over to Stan, but dies)
STAN: Stupid doctors!
(Prince is struggling to rise from the floor)
PRINCE: Stanley. Stanley, Stanley
(Stan walks carefully past Bunz. He picks Rainbow's knife up from the floor, puts it on a table, and looks down at Prince)
(Stan crouches down beside Prince, who looks up at him)
PRINCE: I wanted you to love me, Stanley
STAN: (laughs) Yeah, right! I've heard that before (concerned) Are you dying?
PRINCE: Yes(laughs) But I'm used to it
STAN: Tell us how to get to Kai -
(But Prince is dead. Stan pats his arm)
STAN: Hey Prince. Prince, Prince. Old buddy old chum, Prince. Are you still breathing?
(He checks Prince's neck for a pulse - then someone touches his shoulder. It's Xev)
STAN: Oh! Xev. You half scared me to death
(He stands up)
XEV: Sorry Stan. What happened?
STAN: Well he came after me again, and then that guy, and then, then Prince saved me and -
(Stan looks down. Prince's body has vanished)
SAN: Where'd he go? He was just here on the floor
XEV: Where is he now?
STAN: I don't know. He disappeared
XEV: Yes. Prince does that
STAN: Come on Xev. Let's get out of here quick
XEV: I agree
(They head back into the tunnels)
STAN: Where are you going?
XEV: This way
XEV: Because it's the easy way
STAN: I'm not letting you out of my sight again, OK?
XEV: I recommend that
STAN: Oh boy
(They head for the light, and are soon standing at the base of the tower)
STAN: We're gonna die out there Xev
XEV: No we're not
STAN: I don't know, the heat is -
(He looks up, and sees Kai's balloon)
STAN: Oh! Oh, we're saved, we're saved, we're saved. Oh Kai!
(Stan waves as the balloon comes in to land)