(To any Newfoundlanders reading this - I apologise in advance for any spelling mistakes)
(A moth flies through the clouds. Inside are Stan, Kai and Xev, who is wearing her blue poodle outfit. Stan looks down at an island)
STAN: Is that Transylvania down there?
KAI: I believe it is an island called Newfoundland
STAN: Newfoundland (thinks) Newfoundland?
(Kai nods. Stan gets out his letter from Priest, and hands it to Kai)
STAN: What does that say?
KAI: It says "From the office of the President of the United States of America - mmmmm, eruuuuum, mmm - President Reginald J Priest" There is nothing else here I can understand
STAN: But it does have the President's name on it?
STAN: OK, then that makes me king of Newfoundland. That's it down there. I say we go down, and visit my subjects
XEV: What about Transylvania?
STAN: Transylvania can wait
(The moth flies over icebergs, into a harbour. They land, and have to scramble over snow covered rocks to get down onto the street)
STAN: President Priest said this was a sunny warm green paradise
XEV: I guess he lied
STAN: Well, maybe somewhere else, right? It's a big island, right?
KAI: From the air, the entire island appeared to be completely covered with snow
(Xev, who is freezing in her skimpy outfit, takes a fluffy robe from a washing line. She is watched by an ATF agent in a car. He follows them at a distance. A woman is walking along the street towards them)
STAN: Hey - watch this (to woman) Hello, my loyal subject. I'm Stanley H Tweedle, the new king of Newfoundland, and I'm wondering if you could direct me to the king's palace?
(The woman hits him with her handbag)
WOMAN: There's no stone left for you to crawl under, Brud!
(She walks off)
STAN: That is no way to treat your new king!
(Two men walk past, spitting at Stan as they go)
XEV: (sarcastic) Nice subjects
STAN: Dignity, dignity
(The White House. President Priest is sitting on a couch, being kissed by his new First Lady - sweet little Bunny, last seen in 3.5 Gondola)
BUNNY: You - are - only - the- most - exciting man in the free world
PRINCE: Next to me
(Priest and Bunny stop what they are doing, and look at Prince)
PRINCE: Mr President, Bunny
(Bunny sits on the couch and waves. She's wearing a brown striped body stocking)
PRIEST: We were just - that is er, Bunny was -
PRINCE: Tickling you. Yes, well I'm sure you'd prefer, Mr President, to be tickled all day. However, there are more pressing affairs at hand
PRIEST: There are?
PRINCE: Yes. Such as making sure that the captain of the Lexx, Stanley Tweedle, does not leave this planet, so that I will have some way off, after I've finished making a complete mess of it. Do you recall your pathetic and incompetent scheme to kill me, which made Tweedle the king of the island of Newfoundland?
PRIEST: Yes, I think so
PRINCE: Well, apparently the king has shown up to claim his throne, which gives us the perfect opportunity to persuade him to stay. If Stanley Tweedle leaves the Earth forever on the Lexx (he leans over Priest) I will be very unhappy, and I will make sure that you are very unhappy as well (smiles) Mr President
(He sits down, and picks up Bunny's handbag)
BUNNY: How can you treat the President like that?
PRIEST: And always
PRINCE: It's in my nature. I am to dominate -
PRIEST: - all the time
PRINCE: In every way. My every whim -
PRIEST: - is my instruction
PRINCE: So -
(Prince holds out his hand. Priest kisses it)
PRINCE: How do we persuade Stanley Tweedle to remain on this planet?
(Priest gets up, and sits beside him)
PRIEST: A clever way. A very clever way
PRINCE: And that would be - ?
PRIEST: Something - oo - that you would think of
(Prince zips Bunny's bag shut, and goes to sit beside her)
PRINCE: Do you love the President? (smiles)
(Bunny smiles happily at Priest)
PRINCE: Then you will go to Newfoundland, and persuade Stanley Tweedle to remain on this planet
BUNNY: But I don't wanna go to Newfoundland! I wanna stay here with the President!
(She sits on Priest's lap and starts kissing him again)
PRIEST: I'll go with her
PRINCE: No you won't
BUNNY: I'll dream of you every moment I'm gone. And I'll come quickly -
(Priest looks worried)
BUNNY: - back
PRIEST: You are a good Bunny
BUNNY: Before I go, can we please have one last super special snuggle?
(They are about to kiss - but Prince interrupts)
PRINCE: Sorry - Chopper One is standing by. And remember Bunny - your loyalty to the presidency is more important than your loyalty to the President. Do you understand?
(Prince hands Bunny her hat and coat. She looks confused)
BUNNY: I think so
PRINCE: Good! Come on
(He smiles, and drags her away)
BUNNY: Bye bye Mr President!
(Priest waves goodbye. A helicopter leaves Washington)
(Newfoundland. A pub called the Priest Hole. Brud Parsnip is playing on a keyboard and singing, to the tune of Greensleeves. He looks exactly like Stan - only craftier, and sexier)
BRUD: Happy hour, oh happy hour
How happy are you at happy hour -
(He watches as a man in a black hat enters the pub)
BRUD: Are you happy at happy hour
I wish every hour was happy hour
Hey folks, thank ya thank ya. OK now - this next one's going out to all the guys out there who've got sisters that can't do any better in the sack than just lie there like a cold fish -
(This is clearly aimed at the man in the black hat)
BLACK: You gets offa that stage, Brud Parsnip
BRUD: - and all the ugly stoopid cows in the world with brudders who are even uglier and stoopider than they are!
BLACK: You're a dead man, Brud!
(Brud runs behind the bar)
BLACK: Get back, you coward - jeesily devil dog!
(Brud is in the kitchen, and stops as he sees another man)
BRUD: George b'y!
GEORGE: Where's me sister's car, Brud?
BRUD: I haven't got it
GEORGE: What about the five hundred dollars?
BRUD: Look, I lost the car on a pair of jacks, and I spent the five hundred bucks on a hotel room to wash her frigging stink off me
(The other man comes into the kitchen. Brud runs, knocking some boxes over them - they get up, holding each other, about to punch. This bit has subtitles!)
BLACK: You ain't Brud, you fricker (Subtitle: You're not Brud)
GEORGE: Musta snuck out arse foremost (Subtitle: He must have backed away)
(They go out the door, and Brud emerges from his hiding place - a vat of fish batter. He ducks under again while they come back for another look. When they leave, he climbs out and goes into the bar - where some angry women are waiting for him, armed with crowbars)
WOMAN1: Where's Brud Parsnip at?
WOMAN2: Hear he's playing here today
WOMAN3: We'd like to make a request
WOMAN: Yeah, it's called "I'm gonna lay the boots to Brud, for sticking me with a $400 long distance bill!"
BARMAN: Try the kitchen
(Brud gets down on his hands and knees and crawls behind the bar, hides inside a dishwasher. The woman search the kitchen, including the vat of batter)
WOMAN1: Aw, let's check the back
(The barman shuts the door of the dishwasher, switches it on)
(Bunny's helicopter lands on Newfoundland)
(Stan, Xev and Kai walk by the Priest Hole)
XEV: I'm still freezing
STAN: Come on, let's get warmed up. Come on
(They go inside the pub. A priest is snoring in a corner. The bar man switches off the dishwasher)
STAN: Greetings, loyal subjects. I hereby declare today - King Stanley Day!
(This doesn't get much response from the people in the pub)
XEV: They don't seem to be celebrating, Stan
STAN: Well, maybe they just haven't heard the good news
(He walks up to the bar, and tries again)
STAN: Hey, my good man - I am Stanley H Tweedle, your new king!
BARMAN: Ow's she getting on, Brud?
(The real Brud, clothes clean of the batter, peers out of the dishwasher)
STAN: Why is everyone saying brud to me? It must be some kind of local greeting
XEV: Stanley, how long are we going to stay here?
STAN: Well, at this rate, not a whole lot longer. You know, President Priest told me that Newfoundland was a garden of wine, women and song, and so far all I've seen is cold and snow, and, and - yuck!
(Brud sees Stan's reflection in the mirror behind the bar, and is surprised by the resemblance)
XEV: So, let's go back to the moth and take off for the Lexx. Maybe the time has come to finally give up on this planet and start trying to find a nice one
STAN: Yeah, you know, that's funny
STAN: Well, because usually it's cowardly captain Stanley H Tweedle who wants to go back to the Lexx, and Xev, the brave Cluster lizard love slave with a sense of adventure, who wants to stay
(Brud is taking all this in)
STAN: Whatever happened to your "Carnivores like to explore" bit?
XEV: Cluster lizards are from a hot planet. I just don't like it here
STAN: Then why are we still here? Why are we on this planet at all?
KAI: You are still here because I have asked you to go to the place called Transylvania
STAN: Yeah, exactly. So explain to me Kai why you, being dead and having no wants, would want to go there?
KAI: I do not want to go there, but I have an interest in certain legends related to the place
(They turn and see Bunny, who has just entered the pub)
BUNNY: Yeah! Hi Xev, hi Kai
STAN: This is one weird planet (smiles) XEV: Are you the same Bunny we met before, that - died?
KAI: She is either the same Bunny we met before, reborn - or an archetype
XEV: How do you know our names?
BUNNY: I just do (laughs) You are Kai - you are dead. You're Xev, Stan. Hi!
XEV: Hi. What do you want, Bunny?
BUNNY: Well, I want you to stay here, on this planet. Will you stay?
KAI: Why do you want us to stay?
BUNNY: Um - (thinks) Can I talk to you, Stanley - alone?
STAN: Oh, er, um -
XEV: We'll be over there - brud! Come on Kai
(Xev waves, and leads Kai away)
BUNNY: This is a really nice place Stanley. Why would you want to leave?
STAN: What makes you think we wanna leave?
BUNNY: So you'll stay?
STAN: You mean, here in Newfoundland, or on this planet?
(Behind the bar, Brud Parsnip is still listening)
STAN: I dunno Bunny, I mean my kingdom here is not exactly on the warm side, and then we've got to go to a place called Transylvania, and then we'll probably just head back to the Lexx and fly away from this planet forever
BUNNY: Oh, please don't fly away
STAN: Well, what does it matter to you?
BUNNY: I want you to stay!
STAN: No, I'm sorry Bunny. But hey - you could leave with us when we go
BUNNY: I don't know, Stanley. I think I have to stay here
STAN: Oh well, suit yourself but you know, we're out of here for certain. It's not a question of if, it's only a question of when
BUNNY: Before you go, I could give you a little going away present
STAN: What kind of going away present?
BUNNY: Come by room number 6, at 7.30
STAN: (smiles) OK
STAN: Mm hmm
(Xev and Kai are watching a man playing the spoons. Stan joins them)
XEV: Where's Bunny?
STAN: Oh, she just went upstairs, I'm gonna meet her up there in a while
(Brud sneaks out from behind the bar)
XEV: What for?
STAN: She has a - present for me (smiles)
(Brud Parsnip is making a phone call)
BRUD: Yeah, hello (false voice) Yeah, hello - look, if you wanna find Brud Parsnip, you'll find him tonight at the Priest Hole in room 6, 7.30. Bye (grins)
(The Priest Hole, room 6. Bunny is on the phone)
BUNNY: Yeah, I tried to get him to stay, but he said they were leaving this planet anyway and that was that, so - can I come home now?
PRINCE: No. What else did you say?
BUNNY: I told him I'd meet him later, to give him a going away present, but - (upset) I don't have a going away present!
(In the White House, Priest is on the speaker phone - Prince is sitting nearby, playing with his tie)
PRIEST: Bunny - you have done very, very, very well for your country and your president. We will arrange a going away present
PRINCE: We most certainly will
(Priest looks at Prince, and shakes his head. Prince holds up a finger - and Priest nods)
PRIEST: Bunny, wunny - if you love your country, if you cherish all that we hold dear, and if you truly truly love the Presidency -
BUNNY: I do! I do love the Presidency!
PRINCE: He means that you are to seduce Stanley Tweedle, if you can't convince him in any other way
(Bunny sits down on her bed, shocked)
BUNNY: Seduce him? You mean you want me to -
PRINCE: Give him the ride of his life
BUNNY: I don't know if I can. I mean, I love the President so much, I can't bear to think of another man -
PRIEST: Please Bunny, it's all right. You can do it for me
PRIEST: For the Presidency
(Priest looks at Prince, who smiles, and lets his tie fall)
(Stan is standing outside the front of the Priest Hole, bored)
STAN: Oh, there's gotta be at least one green garden around here somewhere
(At the bar, a drunken man is kissing a fish - and Xev is having her first taste of screech. She hisses/screams, then laughs)
DRUNK: Now that is some screech, b'y, dat is (passes out)
(The priest invites Kai over to a piano)
PICKLE: Oh, fancy a tickle of the ivories, my son?
KAI: My name is Kai
PICKLE: Oh, and I'm Father Pickle. This premises is my little hole in the wall (laughs) I opened it to raise money for the orphans - better than the bingo, don't you think? You must be from - away, then?
KAI: I am from the Light Universe. I was an assassin for 2000 years, in the service of His Divine Shadow. I am dead
PICKLE: (laughs) Wonderful - well, each of us has his own story to tell - even if they don't come to much in the end, eh? Would you like to give it a go?
KAI: It is a musical instrument?
PICKLE: Oh, there's no fooling you, me boy
KAI: The dead are easily fooled
PICKLE: Ah, give it a go. She won't bite ya
(Kai sits on the piano stool, looks at the keys, touches them gently)
PICKLE: Listen up boys, listen up. Tonight, we have something very special for you. This very good looking young man, Kai, is from a dead universe - must be the mainland, huh?
(The customers in the bar laugh at this)
PICKLE: But tonight he has promised us a tickle of the ivories
(Everyone claps. Xev shakes the drunk awake)
XEV: Hey, this should be good
(Kai hits the keys at random, just making noise. He looks at the audience - then plays three familiar notes)
XEV: Yo Way Yo
(The Priest Hole, room 6. Someone knocks on the door. Bunny opens it)
BUNNY: You're early - Stanley
(But of course, it isn't Stanley - it's Brud Parsnip. He walks into her room)
BRUD: Well Bunny, I just couldn't wait any longer to see you
BUNNY: You seem - different
BRUD: Different? Er, what, me, Stanley H Tweedle, captain of the Lexx, different?
(He checks his hair in the dressing table mirror, leans back and smiles)
BRUD: No, I'm a hundred percent me. Always have been! (laughs) Anyway, I just came by to say - goodbye (waves)
BUNNY: Goodbye? (sits on bed)
BRUD: Yeah, yeah, I've decided to leave this planet, right now. I'm gonna take Xev and - Kai with me
BUNNY: You can't leave!
(Brud walks to the door)
BRUD: Well - I'm sorry Bunny, you know, I'd like to stay, really I would, but you know how it is - captain of the Lexx, there's a lot of important - space missions that I've gotta do. I just thought I'd come by and say - so long
(He waves. Bunny starts to cry, so he pats her under her chin)
BRUD: Oh, tut tut tut, no tears, Bunny, no tears. I know how it must hurt, me leaving, but - (shrugs) what can I do?
BUNNY: I can't help it. This is just terrible, terrible!
(She flops her head down onto the bed)
BRUD: There, there, there
(He sits beside her, runs his hand down her back, onto her bottom)
BRUD: Now, you tell Bru - brave Captain Stanley all about it
BUNNY: Well - I promised I would get you to stay!
BRUD: Promised who?
BUNNY: My husband
BRUD: Your husband? Ah. Where's he?
BUNNY: In Washington DC. He's the President of the United States (sniffs) BRUD: What?
BUNNY: Oh, well - he asked me to come to Newfoundland and convince you to stay on Earth and so I said yes because, because I love him more than life itself and (cries) and I don't want anything bad to happen to him! And now you're saying you're leaving and I don't know what I'm gonna do!
(Brud gets up off the bed, and Bunny grabs his leg)
BUNNY: Please don't go, Stanley
BRUD: Oh, I - Bunny, I feel your pain but - outer space awaits Stanley H Tweedle
(He tries to walk away, but Bunny won't let go, and is dragged onto the floor)
BRUD: Look, Bunny, you're young, you'll get over it. You'll have to let go of my leg now, Bunny
BUNNY: I'll do anything you want
BUNNY: Anything, you name it!
(Brud bites his knuckles)
BRUD: No! I couldn't ask you to do that, it wouldn't be right
BUNNY: Yes, you can ask me, you can ask me, I'll do anything. Whatever it is, I'll say yes
BRUD: Would you cradle my rock?
BUNNY: Cradle your rock?
(She's not sure about this)
BRUD: Mm hmm
BUNNY: I don't know what you mean
BRUD: That's OK Bunny - I do (smiles) Trust me - all will be revealed
(Brud undoes his trousers. Bunny cringes)
(Downstairs in the bar, everyone is listening to Kai playing and singing)
KAI: Yo A O. Yo A O, Hom Var Ray, Yo A Ra, Jerhume Brunnen G
Yo A O, Hom Var Ray, Yo A Ra, Jerhume Brunnen G
Yo A Ra, Jerhume Brunnen G
(Everyone claps and cheers. Father Pickle walks up to Kai, hands him a drink)
PICKLE: You do have some talent my son, but your style is a little bit - stiff. Try this - might help to loosen it up
KAI: I do not have a liver
PICKLE: Oh. Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Fortunately I still have a fraction of mine left
(Upstairs, Brud pulls his pants back on and gets out of bed)
BRUD: Oh, that hit the spot!
(He starts putting his trousers on. Bunny is fully clothed, but her make-up and hair are messed from cradling his rock)
BUNNY: So, you're staying now?
BRUD: Fraid not, I'm leaving you and this planet
BUNNY: But you said -
BRUD: Yeah, well, I lied! You know what they call that around here?
BRUD: Tough nookies! (laughs) Anyway, gotta run. You were great. I've had better, but not today
BUNNY: But you promised you'd stay!
BRUD: Well I did stay, now I've gotta go
BUNNY: You are a bad, bad man!
(She cries, and runs into the bathroom)
BRUD: Yeah, well, I can't disagree with you there
(He laughs, looks in Bunny's purse, takes her money)
BRUD: Er - give my regards to Mr President!
(He laughs, and leaves)
(Downstairs, Xev is still drinking. Kai watches a Celtic band start tuning up. Stan is waiting impatiently at the bar, next to Father Pickle)
STAN: What time is it now?
PICKLE: You just asked, 7.28
STAN: And what time is it now?
PICKLE: I just told you, 7.28
(Stan looks at the stairs up to Bunny's room)
STAN: And now?
STAN: Close enough
(Stan heads for the stairs, but Father Pickle grabs his arm)
PICKLE: You're a bad man!
STAN: I've gotta go!
PICKLE: You don't know the half of it. I've had to face temptation me whole life
STAN: Yeah, well I'm just learning about it, OK?
PICKLE: Even though I took a vow of celibacy, I swore to forgo the evil pleasures of the flesh, to deny myself the simple physical pleasure of romping naked on a bed, with a beautiful, lithe, lissom, firm, gorgeous -
STAN: Listen listen listen listen listen - I don't know what you're talking about pal, but I've got to romp naked with a very tempting young lady, and you're making me late!
(Stan pulls away, runs upstairs)
PICKLE: Fight the urge, bad man, fight the urge! Romping naked - ooh, very dangerous words(he makes a cross with his fingers) Away wit ya! Away wit ya!
(Room 6. Stan is about to knock, when Bunny opens the door)
STAN: Hi Bunny -
(She slaps his face)
BUNNY: Bad man! Bad man!
(She runs off)
STAN: But Bunny, wait!
(Four men are in the corridor behind Stan - two of them were chasing Brud earlier)
NEWFIE: Ow's she gettin on, b'y?
STAN: Are those words you're speaking, or is your mouth broken?
NEWFIE: Watch your mouth, Brud Parsnip. We'll have no more of your lip
STAN: Do you know what the funny thing about all of this is?
STAN: I'm not Brud Parsnip. I am Stanley H Tweedle, and I'm the new king of Newfoundland
NEWFIE: Oh. Well, come here then, Stanley Tweedle the new king of Newfoundland. Come here, I won't bite
STAN: Well, OK
(Stan steps forward - and the man punches him to the ground)
NEWFIE: Bout time the king was crowned, wha? (laughs)
(Kai is now playing with the band. Brud walks into the bar. He sees Xev, and grins. He takes his jacket off a peg, puts on his hat, and walks over to her. She's drunkenly talking to the drunk)
XEV: You wanna nother screech? I think you need nother screech
(She takes another swig from the bottle)
BRUD: Hi Xev
(She gets up from her bar stool, sways, looks at him)
BRUD: What do you think?
XEV: Where's your hat?
BRUD: (laughs) Threw it away. New planet, new hat!
XEV: Spose so!
BRUD: Ah - Xev, I need to talk to you
(He pulls her closer to him)
XEV: About what?
BRUD: Not here
XEV: What is it Stanley?
BRUD: It's something personal
BRUD: It's important, it's extremely important. Can we go to the moth?
XEV:(laughs) You serious?
(Brud looks into her eyes)
BRUD: I've never been more serious in my life
XEV: OK Stan, but it better be important
(She heads off - Brud waves the smell of booze away, collects his keyboard and follows her)
XEV: I'll be right back
(Kai is playing, and doesn't see them go. Father Pickle does)
PICKLE: Bad man!
(Brud grins, and leaves)
PICKLE: Better not to think about it
(Xev and Brud are now in the moth)
XEV: What is it you wanted to talk to me about?
BRUD: You're a good listener Xev, you know, that's one of the things I always really liked about you. That, and the fact that you're a love slave Cluster lizard, with a sense of adventure
XEV: (smiles) I'm listening
BRUD: Yeah, well you know, there are certain things I've been wanting to get off my chest for a while. I wanted to be able to really open up, you know - it's just, just - it's hard, sometimes
XEV: Well, whatever it is, you can tell me
BRUD: Ah - not here
XEV: Why not?
BRUD: No, no, I can't talk about it here, it's gotta be on the Lexx
XEV: I don't understand what this is all about
BRUD: You will, I promise. I'll tell you everything, as soon as we get on the Lexx
XEV: It's that important?
BRUD: Mm hmm
XEV: But what about Kai?
BRUD: Oh, we'll come right back. You know, it's just that what I've got to say is so, so very very difficult, you know, I can only explain it on the Lexx
XEV: Well, if it's really that, very, very, important -
BRUD: Oh it is, it is
XEV: All right, let's go
(She closes her eyes. Brud looks at the controls, realises he has no idea how to fly it, and pretends to be overcome by emotion)
BRUD: Oh look, do you - (hands over his face) do you mind flying? I don't feel like I'm up to it just now
(Xev takes another swig from the bottle. Peering through his fingers, Brud rolls his eyes in disbelief. The moth takes off - Xev flying very badly, Brud scared they're going to crash)
(Stan is now tied to a chair in a basement, surrounded by angry men and women, one of whom pulls a piece of tape off his mouth)
STAN: Look, whatever it is you think you're doing here, I can tell you you're making a big mistake. I am the king of Newfoundland, and I refuse to be disrespected like this. Now release me at once!
NEWFIE: Or what?
STAN: Or I'll tell the President of the United States
(They all laugh at this)
WOMAN2: Sure you will
NEWFIE: I've got a better idea, Parsnip
STAN: I'm not Parsnip, I'm Tweedle! I'm captain of the Lexx, I'm king of Newfoundland - you got the wrong man!
NEWFIE: See, only the real Brud Parsnip could come up with a story like that, wha? Now here's my idea - for every lie, you get one good pounding - like that
(He punches Stan in the stomach)
STAN: (gasps) OK, OK, I won't lie
NEWFIE: And you see all these people here? These are some of the people who you've lied to, or else gotten money off of and never returned, or screwed over some other way. Now mind you, this isn't all of them. This is a tiny minuscule fraction of them. Today, we're gonna get settled up once and for all. You get one big jeesily pounding for every lie you've told, every promise you broke, every bad debt that you rung up over the years, you follow?
STAN: How many poundings are we talking about here?
NEWFIE: Well, into the hundreds, I would imagine. If not the tousands, or even the tens of tousands
STAN: But I'm not Brud Parsnip!
NEWFIE: Well, dat's ten tousand and one, isn't it, wha? Ten tousand and - all right, who's first?
(On the Lexx, Brud and Xev get out of the moth. Xev takes her bottle with her, still drinking. Brud is in awe of the Lexx)
XEV: So Stan, what is it?
XEV: Why did we have to come up here? What do you have to say?
BRUD: Man, oh man -
(They walk on the bridge, which sounds a bit eerier than usual. Xev sits on the edge of the well)
XEV: We're here. What is it?
XEV: Sit! Talk to me
(He sits down beside her, takes his hat off)
XEV: What is it?
BRUD: Why do I have to feel so much?
XEV: (smiles) I've never seen you like this before!
BRUD: Can I trust you, Xev? I mean, can I really, really trust you?
XEV: You can trust me Stan
BRUD: Oh, but this is, this is so hard for me to say, Xev
XEV: I'm here for you. Say it
BRUD: OK. OK (stands up) It's a song
(He goes back to the moth, takes out his keyboard and returns to Xev)
XEV: So, what is that thing?
BRUD: I mean, it's a - my music thingy, that I found. It's a song that I want you to hear, that I wrote, just for you
(He clicks his fingers, points at Xev)
(In the Priest Hole Kai and the band are singing yet another version of his song, which goes something like this)
KAI: Yo A O, Hom Var Ray, Yo A Ra, Jerhume Brunnen G
Way Ro Way, Ro Hanna Ro, A Way Ro Ra, Jay Hanna Ray
Yo A O, Hom Var Ray, Yo A Ra, Jerhume Brunnen G
Yo A O, Hom Var Ray, Yo A Ra, Jerhume Brunnen G
Yo A O, Hom Var Ray, Yo A Ra, Jerhume Brunnen G
Yo A Ra, Jerhume Brunnen G
(The crowd applauds. Father Pickle goes over to Kai)
PICKLE: Of course, I can speak the Gaelic, and a fair bit of Latin, and very little Greek - but that language - I don't recognise it at all
KAI: It is the language of my people - the Brunnen G
PICKLE: And - what was that song about?
KAI: The Brunnen G were a once proud and noble race of romantic warriors who, over time, became isolated and inward looking. This song - (he plays the three notes) - is an ancient song in a long lost language handed down by my ancestors. It was sung, by the Brunnen G warriors, as we sang it, when we went into battle expecting to die
PICKLE: And - what happened?
KAI: We died
(On the Lexx, Xev struggles to keep a straight face as Brud starts playing his keyboard and singing - yup, it's Greensleeves again)
BRUD: Oh Xev, oh Xev, what is it Xev
Who are you Xev, oh Xev Xev Xev
Why do I-I-I feel this way
Oh Xev, what can I say-ay-ay
Happy hour, oh happy hour
You make me happy at happy hour
Happy hour, oh happy hour
Oh Xev, oh Xev, oh Xevvvvvvvv
(Xev giggles, tries to disguise it as a cough)
BRUD: So, what do you think?
XEV: Yeah (throws bottle away) All right Stan - out with it
BRUD: Out with it? Are you sure?
XEV: I'm sure
(She looks at him)
BRUD: I need a hug
(The real Stan is probably thinking the same thing, as people take turns punching him)
BLACK: I've been waiting a long time for this, you lying thieving blood of a bitch!
WOMAN1: And then when I asked you if you were at Doris's house, you said you weren't!
WOMAN2: You said you needed my PIN number, 'cause it was right romantic to share PIN numbers
(Xev is hugging Brud, who is clearly enjoying it)
BRUD: Oh, this feels so good
XEV: Let it out, Stanley
BRUD: Oh, but I've kept it in so long
XEV: Well, now it's time to let it out!
BRUD: But it's a part of me that I've kept hidden from you
(790 wheels onto the bridge)
BRUD: Do you really want to see it?
XEV: Let it out, Stan
(Brud takes her hand)
BRUD: Xev - I want you, to be the hand, that's gonna rock my cradle
(His hands slide around her waist. Even drunk as she is, Xev realises something is not right here)
BRUD: Oh come on Xev, look I'll never ask anything from you ever again, I promise
XEV: What do you mean? Stop this!
(She gets up and tries to walk away, but Brud stands in front of her)
BRUD: Come on, you know what I mean. Enough is enough, huh?
BRUD: Hey look, you're a love slave, right? I bet you've cradled plenty of rocks, Xev
(He laughs, holding his crotch. Xev turns away, and he grabs her shoulder)
BRUD: Hey -
(She flings his arm off - he's surprised by how strong she is)
XEV: Don't do that!
(Brud grabs her arm)
BRUD: Come on Xev - don't be like that, 'cause there's just the two of us here
XEV: It's enough
BRUD: Come on!
XEV: I said it's enough!
(She punches Brud. He wobbles at the edge of the bridge - and 790 rushes forward, pushing him off)
(Brud screams all the way down)
XEV: 790, what have you done?!
790: Something I should have done a long time ago, ha ha!
XEV: You killed him, you confused junk head!
790: One down, one to go
(Xev picks up 790)
790: Put me down!
XEV: Where's the key?
790: Who cares! Where's the Kai?
XEV: If Stan died, the key should have come out of his hand (looks at 790) I ought to throw you over too
790: What's stopping you?
(She throws 790 down by the pedestal, and sniffs sadly)
XEV: Poor Stan
(Xev takes a moth down to Earth)
(Kai and the band finish yet another chorus)
PICKLE: Long live the Brunnen G!
(Kai finally gets up from the piano)
PICKLE: I think I'll just pour meself another little drop, to protect me from temptation. You sure you won't join me?
KAI: No, I must rejoin my friends. Where is Stanley?
BARMAN: You mean Parsnip? He's getting the jeesily crap beaten out of him downstairs
(Kai heads downstairs. The band carry on without him)
BAND: OK, d'you fancy another rendition of that tune there? 1,2,3,4 -
(In the basement, people are choosing weapons)
GEORGE: My turn to give him the gears, wha?
(He waves a hammer under Stan's chin)
GEORGE: Ow's she gettin on, b'y?
(He raises the hammer - but Kai's brace grabs hold of it)
NEWFIE: Who the frig are you?
KAI: I am Kai
NEWFIE: Yeah, well you gotta wait your turn Kai, we're just getting started here
KAI: He is not Brud Parsnip. His name is Stanley Tweedle
(Stan looks up at Kai, his face bruised, nose bleeding)
STAN: Oh, Kai
NEWFIE: Gee - sorry skipper - y'alright?
(Kai unties Stan. Xev comes downstairs, surprised and delighted to see Stan alive)
XEV: (smiles) Hello Stan
(In the White house, Bunny is sitting on Priest's lap, crying)
BUNNY: - and then, I - cradled his rock! (sob)
PRIEST: Oh, there there
BUNNY: I did it, because I love you
PRIEST: I know
BUNNY: It was horrible!
PRIEST: You are a wonderful Bunny
(He wipes her eyes with a tissue, then stands up. He gets out the football and the atlas)
BUNNY: What are you doing?
PRIEST: People who don't treat the President's Bunny with the proper respect, deserve what they're going to get
(He opens the atlas to Newfoundland, keys co-ordinates into the football)
BUNNY: You're the bestest President ever
PRIEST: Bye bye Newfoundland (hits button) Pe-ew!
BUNNY: Pe-ew! I want to cradle your rock, right now
PRIEST: You do?
BUNNY: Mm hmm. There's nothing that I'd like better
PRIEST: Well then - cradle away, by all means
(Bunny sinks down - but they're interrupted)
PRINCE: Up to no good again, are we?
PRIEST: Prince. Of course, of course
(He goes to Prince, kisses his hand. Prince smiles at Bunny, who is not happy with this)
PRIEST: Just the way you like it
PRINCE: Yes. Are we all ready to go then?
PRIEST: Go where?
PRINCE: Oh surely, Mr President, you haven't forgotten about the Antarctic summit
PRIEST: Oo, I had, actually
PRINCE: Air Force One is fuelled and ready to go
PRIEST: So am I
(He tries to go back to Bunny, but Prince stops him)
PRINCE: There'll be plenty of time for that, after Antarctica
PRIEST: Where's Tarctica?
PRINCE: This way
(Bunny waves goodbye, a look of resignation on her face)
(The moth flies away from Newfoundland)
XEV: I don't get it. Brud Parsnip looked exactly like you, Stanley
STAN: Yeah, well he didn't act like me. Totally different person
XEV: I'm glad about that
KAI: On each planet, there seem to be a limited number of models of humans. You happened to find yours on this planet, Stanley
STAN: Well, good riddance!
(Suddenly, there is a huge explosion behind them)
STAN: What was that?
KAI: That was the thermonuclear destruction of the island of Newfoundland
XEV: Good thing we're on our way to Transylvania
(They fly on. Ahead of them, lightning flashes)