(A shuttle leaves Earth, heading for the Moon. At the same time, a moth leaves the Lexx, heading for Earth. It flies past the shuttle, which has a man - Biff - and a woman - Dr Lu - at the controls)
BIFF: Did you see that?
DRLU: What was that?
BIFF: I don't know, it looked like a big bug or something
(Xev and Kai are in the moth)
XEV: What was that?
KAI: A slow moving chemical propelled craft, typical of a Type 13 planet in its last stage of development
(The shuttle is reporting back to mission control)
BIFF: Houston - a great big bug just passed us, heading straight toward the Earth
HOUSTON: Say that again?
DRLU: We just saw a giant moth or something
HOUSTON: There are no insects in space
BIFF: There are now
DRLU: Houston, Dr Lu here. It was not likely a moth in the sense of the common Earth organism, but it had the external appearance of a Lepidopterus insect of the genus Tinea. However, I would estimate its length to be in the order of five to six thousand millimetres
HOUSTON: How big was that?
BIFF: About the size of my pickup, I'd say
PRINCE: Why don't you go outside and take a look?
(He is sitting in a seat further back in the shuttle)
BIFF: Well it was going real fast sir, it's probably long gone by now
PRINCE: It could have slowed down, or turned around
BIFF: Well, we'd see it on the radar sir, it's not there
PRINCE: Perhaps. Or perhaps it can deceive the radar. So why don't you put on your space suits, and go outside and perform a visual check to determine if it is still there
BIFF: I'm sorry Mr Prince, but we have strict instructions not to go anywhere -
PRINCE: To obey whatever orders I give. So - quick, quick, on with your space suits
BIFF: I'll go
PRINCE: You'll both go
PRINCE: Because I say so
(They don't look too sure about this)
PRINCE: Well, what do you think I'm going to do - leave you behind?
BIFF: (salutes) This is an ATF mission. We will obey your orders as commanded, sir!
(They get into their suits, and go outside)
BIFF: No sign of anything, Mr Prince
(Prince doesn't answer, as he's busy strapping himself into the pilot's seat)
BIFF: Mr Prince?
(The shuttle's engines start up)
BIFF: Mr Prince?
DRLU: Mr Prince?
BIFF: Mr Prince! Mr Prince, what are you doing?
PRINCE: I'm going to drive away and leave you here
BIFF: How will we get back?
PRINCE: You could walk
BIFF: We're in the middle of space, sir!
PRINCE: Exactly(smiles) DRLU: Why are you doing this, Mr Prince?
PRINCE: Because I'm bad - so, good luck (chuckles) or rather, bad luck. Cheerie bye!
(The shuttle flies off - Biff bounces against the hull a few times)
DRLU: Mr Prince! Mr Prince! You can't leave us! Mr Prince!
(The moth has entered Earth's atmosphere. There is a chirping sound)
XEV: What's that?
KAI: A welcoming committee, I suspect
(The moth screen shows three other craft behind them)
(A dusty road in Texas. A car is pulling a long trailer. Dougall, a geek, is driving. Also in the car is Tina, a cute geekette with ponytails and glasses)
TINA: OK, yup, we're onto it
(They stop the car, get out and go into the trailer. It's full of computer equipment, and another geek who is tracking the moth)
(Three fighter planes are also tracking the moth)
PILOT: Stand by to fire. Prepare missiles. Launch missiles, boys
(The fighters each fire two missiles. Xev watches their progress on the moth screen)
XEV: What are those?
KAI: Combustion powered missiles with explosive tips, designed to destroy such things as this moth
XEV: Anything I can do?
KAI: I suggest you try to avoid them
(The geeks watch on a screen, as Xev suddenly puts the moth into reverse. The missiles fly past them)
DOUG: Come on, come on
XEV: That was close
PILOT: This bandit thinks he's better than us. Let's squash this bug!
(The missiles turn to follow the moth again)
XEV: They're turning around
KAI: They are tracking us
XEV: Can't you just knock them down with your brace?
KAI: That may not be necessary. 790?
(790 is on his trolley, on the bridge of the Lexx)
790: Yes, my beautiful dead body of robot desire?
KAI: 790, we are being tracked by small missiles that are emitting an electronic signal. What is it?
790: It is a simple time coded number stream transmitted by the missiles to determine whether the object they are attacking is a friend or a foe. A friendly object would recognise the code and send the appropriate response code back, so the missiles would not attack it
PILOT: Prepare to engage the bug in 30 seconds
KAI: 790, can you respond on our behalf?
790: I can, Kai. It's just the same stupid signal the aircraft that fired the missiles is sending out. But why would you want me to? Why not just let them shoot down the moth? Then Xev would be dead, and I won't have to worry about her stealing you away from me anymore
XEV: Stop the missiles, 790!
KAI: If the missiles destroy the moth, I will have no way to return to the Lexx, and may be separated from you - forever
(790 gasps, and gets to work. Computer code flashes across his eye screens as he gets control of the missiles)
790: Ha ha ha! Eat my jam code, missiles that want to separate me from my beloved!
(Xev is trying to evade the fighters, but they are still with the moth)
PILOT: I got that bug at 6 o'clock, and I'm moving in to swat that fly right now. Come on, little shoo fly. I gotcha - I gotcha -
(He's about to fire, when an alarm sounds)
PILOT: What in the Sam Hill is going on?
(Xev flies the moth straight into the missiles - which ignore her, and blow up the fighter planes instead. The geeks cheer. Xev laughs, and kisses Kai on the cheek)
KAI: Thank you
790: Thank you for what?! Kai, what are you thanking the love slut for? I'm the one who saved you! Kai! Talk to me. Kai! What is that love slut doing?! Kai!
(Xev switches the sound off)
XEV: Thank you Kai
(The moth flies close to an oil refinery, and a pipe with flame coming out of the top. Xev struggles with the controls)
XEV: It won't respond
KAI: The moth, following its instincts, is attracted to the flame
(The moth circles the flame - too close)
XEV: The wings are on fire
KAI: You must jump, Xev
KAI: Yes. The moth will not leave the flame until its wings are no longer able to keep it aloft. I will try to limit the crash damage as best I can
XEV: All right
(She opens the door of the moth, perches on the side)
KAI: Good luck Xev
(Xev jumps, falls down a pipe and rolls/shoots out of the other end. She watches the smoking moth fly away, and crash over some hills)
(The Lexx. On the bridge, Stan is walking/balancing around the edge of the well. 790 is wheeling around on his trolley)
STAN: Lexx - how many planets in this solar system?
(The Lexx shows pictures of the planets on the view screen, and counts them)
LEXX: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and maybe - 9
STAN: Eight's enough. Let's see number nine
(The view screen shows Pluto)
STAN: Ugh. Doesn't really look important, does it?
LEXX: No planet is important unless my captain says it is - and you are my captain, Captain Stanley
(Stan gets up onto the control pedestal)
STAN: Lexx - do you ever find yourself in the mood to just blow something up?
LEX: I am always in the mood to blow up planets. That is what I was built for
STAN: Yeah, yeah. Lexx - do you think you could blow up that planet with your weapon, even though it's so far away?
LEXX: I think so
STAN: You know, I've been feeling the urge to blow something up
LEXX: So have I, captain
STAN: OK Lexx - blow up that planet
LEXX: As you command, captain
STAN: And Lexx - see if you can get it with your first shot, OK old buddy, old pal?
(The Lexx powers up and fires - but instead of its usual sheet of flame, it looks more like a fiery doughnut. And it looks hotter than before. Pluto is destroyed. Stan laughs - and Prince walks onto the bridge behind him)
PRINCE: Good shot, captain
(He steps down from the pedestal, looks stunned)
STAN: You're alive!
PRINCE: Of course I'm alive. How do you know my name?
STAN: What do you mean, how do I know your name, you, you, you're Prince. You ruled Fire until Xev blew it up, and -
PRINCE: I'm Isambard Prince, director of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms of the United States of America, and I've been sent here to attempt to reason with the alien threat
STAN: What alien threat?
STAN: Oh, no no no, I don't believe you, you're not Isamabard Prince, you're Prince! And you're evil! And you ruled Fire until we blew it up. And you're here to kill me, aren't you?
(Prince moves closer to the pedestal - Stan backs away)
PRINCE: Why would I want to do that?
STAN: Because you're bad! You're bad right to the core
(Prince runs his fingers along the pedestal, sniffs them)
PRINCE: Then why didn't I just sneak up behind you and kill you? It wouldn't have been difficult
790: It still isn't. Please - strangle the security guard and make my day a better one
PRINCE: What is that?
STAN: A robot head with a defective programme, as if you didn't know!
790: A robot head in love with a dead man
STAN: Same thing
PRINCE: So, captain Stanley - you've already destroyed one of the planets in our solar system for no particular reason, and you have threatened to destroy ours. What must I do, to save the Earth from you?
(Xev is walking alongside a desert road. She sees a hitchhiker stick out his thumb and get a ride. Xev looks at her thumb, then stands at the side of the road, hand on hip and thumb out)
(The geeks drive their trailer near to a plume of smoke, and get out to look at the remains of the moth)
(A blue truck pulls up by Xev. Inside is a cute young man wearing a cowboy hat - Rooster)
ROOSTER: Wanna go to my place, honey child?
(He opens the door for her. She gets in, and away they go - all of twenty feet, to a trailer park)
(Kai is now walking along the road, heading for the refinery)
(Tina is using a camcorder to document the moth)
TINA: It seems to have some type of greenish orange blood, but the controls are clearly mechanical
DOUG: Show the symbol!
(He points at a small Divine Order icon, embedded in the flesh of the moth)
TINA: I am now zooming in on a symbol we've seen on several parts of the UFO. There are seats, but no sign of any passengers - except for a pair of human looking footprints leading away from the craft. Footprints we will now follow
(Rooster's home. Rooster is sitting on a couch watching TV. President Priest is being sworn in)
PRIEST: I do solemnly swear, that I will uphold the integrity of the office of the President of the United States, faithfully serve my country, to the best of my ability, so help me doc. Dog
(Xev walks into the room and sits down beside Rooster. He turns the TV off)
ROOSTER: Honey child - will you marry me?
(He kneels down on the floor, beer can in hand)
ROOSTER: I feel it in my bones that you're my one and only woman forever - and dagummit, I love you
XEV: (laughs) But Rooster, we just met!
ROOSTER: Rooster likes to do things fast
XEV: Well, so do I
XEV: So - (she takes his beer can away) Why don't we skip the marriage part and get on with things?
ROOSTER: What things?
XEV: You know - fun things
(She runs her finger down his chest, her mouth close behind. Rooster quickly gets up and sits on the couch)
ROOSTER: I can't do that, honey child
XEV: Why not?
ROOSTER: Because -
(He opens another beer, takes a gulp, wipes his mouth)
ROOSTER: - this is Texas
(Meanwhile, back on the Lexx - )
STAN: You have to understand that Stanley H Tweedle, and only Stanley H Tweedle can blow up your planet, Earth, anytime I want - and I will do just that, unless you people on Earth do something to improve my not so very good mood
PRINCE: No problem
790: Mr Prince - or, whoever - you are clearly evil. So kill Tweedle now, and improve my mood
(Stan crouches down beside 790)
STAN: 790 - why do you always wanna get me killed? You know, I am not interested in the dead man
790: You could be hiding it
(Stan shakes his head, and gets up)
PRINCE: Stanley - captain - what do you want? What do we have to give you?
STAN: Well, um (cough) I like women, really. You got any women?
PRINCE: You can have whatever kind of woman you want
STAN: Oh (smiles) And my own kingdom. I want a place, where only I rule, and everybody does everything that I say
PRINCE: You can have whatever country you want - within reason, of course
STAN: Well, yeah and, um -
(He gets up on the pedestal, thinks)
STAN: I want a puppy - you know, I never had one when I was little, and I always hoped someday I would
PRINCE: That might be difficult
PRINCE: Well, you see, it's like this -
(Prince grabs Stan's wrist, handcuffs it)
790: Well done! Now, throw him to his death over the edge of the bridge
(Prince gets up onto the pedestal with Stan)
STAN: You take this off right away, or I'll tell the Lexx to blow up your planet
PRINCE: Go on Stanley, blow it up
(He sniffs at Stan, then cuffs his other hand)
PRINCE: You know me - I won't be bothered at all. It'll all be over in a flash, and Xev will hardly suffer
STAN: You are Prince
PRINCE: Well done, Stanley
(He pats Stan's cheek, and gets down off the pedestal)
PRINCE: You may be slow, but you do get there eventually. Now - let us go and find a moth, and I will fly you down to my new planet
(Kai is almost at the refinery when the geekmobile catches up with him)
KAI: Have you seen a love slave named Xev dressed in a suit made from Cluster lizard skin?
DOUG: I wish! Are you from that crashed bug ship back there?
KAI: Will you transport me to that building up ahead?
KAI: Thank you
(Kai holds onto the car door, perching on the window)
DOUG: Ernst is gonna flip!
(Meanwhile, back on the Lexx - )
PRINCE: As you said Stanley, I am Prince. I remember where the moths are grown
STAN: Lexx, tilt now, hard!
LEXX: As you command, Stan
(The Lexx tilts, Prince wobbles, 790 falls off his trolley)
STAN: More, more!
(Prince falls off the edge of the bridge, clings on by his fingers)
STAN: Lexx - level off
PRINCE: Stanley! Give me a hand Stanley!
(Stan gets down from the pedestal, puts 790 back on his trolley)
STAN: Be good
(Stan walks to the edge, looks down at Prince)
STAN: How about a foot instead?
(He treads on Prince's fingers)
PRINCE: Ow! Stanley - Stanley, let's make a deal. I'll give you whatever you want
(Stan crouches down and looks at him)
PRINCE: Please, I'm begging you
STAN: What did you say?
PRINCE: Stanley - please don't kill me. I'll give you whatever you want
STAN: Ooo, that doesn't sound like you at all. Maybe you're not Prince, I mean - Prince wouldn't care about dying. He died, over and over again on Fire. But maybe Fire was a special place, and maybe it doesn't work that way on Earth. So what's the deal, Prince? You afraid, that you're really gonna die?
PRINCE: Stanley, we are both practical men - let's make a deal that works for the both of us
STAN: Not a chance, pal
(790 wheels forward suddenly, and knocks Stan off the edge, but he manages to hold on. Prince clambers up him back onto the bridge. He sits down, picks up 790)
PRINCE: Thank you, robot head
790: Now please, cut him loose. And then, throw yourself over the edge
PRINCE: Hello, Stanley - or should I be saying goodbye?
STAN: I've got the only key to the Lexx!
(Rooster's trailer. It's evening, and some of Rooster's friends have arrived. Rooster is playing guitar, an old guy is on harmonica. Another cute young cowboy - Dale - is dancing. The leather clad Chip is sitting next to Xev, who is singing a song for Rooster, to the tune of If Only from Brigadoom)
XEV: I'm getting hotter, I'm getting hungry too
My mouth makes water, when I look at you
I wanna taste you, do you think I could?
I wanna eat you, do you think I should?
I'm a Cluster lizard, and you smell so good
I'm a Cluster lizard, and you smell so damn good!
(Xev laughs. So do all the men)
CHIP: You got a real talent there, Xev
ROOSTER: Tell em where you're from again, Xev darling
XEV: I'm from B3K
OLDGUY: Is that in Texas?
CHIP: No, I think that's near Abilene
XEV: No. Texas is in the Dark Zone. B3K is in the Light Universe
OLDGUY: What y'all do there?
XEV: I was a love slave
CHIP: What exactly does a love slave do?
XEV: Whatever it takes to make a man happy. See, I trained in the wife bank on B3K, and I've been waiting forever to satisfy a man in need
CHIP: Well, I am most definitely a man in need
XEV: You are? Well, then I can satisfy you!
(Rooster does not look happy at this. He crushes his beer can)
XEV: I'm a love slave! I want to satisfy men, and I want men to satisfy me! The more satisfaction the better, right?
ROOSTER: Honey child, you don't mean that
ROOSTER: You promised me. You said that I could have your hand in marriage, remember?
ROOSTER: I will cherish and honour and respect you, and you will obey me, that's what marriage is all about
XEV: Oh. Well - why don't we just forget about the marriage part and just get naked in bed and do it?
CHIP: (laughs) I vote for that!
(Chip puts his arm around Xev. Dale sits beside her. The old guy starts taking his clothes off)
XEV: Finally! I was starting to get worried that there was something wrong with the men on this planet
ROOSTER: Get your hands off my woman, boy!
CHIP: All right, all right, all right, Rooster my man! I was just yanking your chain
OLDGUY: Yeah, we was just yanking your chain
ROOSTER: Party's over. Y'all can leave now, come on, come on
(He grabs Dale and shows him to the door. Chip whispers to Xev)
CHIP: When you hear the owl calling, sneak outside and I'll be waiting - hotter than a three balled tomcat in July
XEV: All right
(Rooster hauls Chip away, and doesn't see Dale sneak back in to Xev)
DALE: If you'll meet me by the mailbox, I'll be hotter than a - popsicle at the rodeo!
DALE: Wait for the call of the coyote
ROOSTER: Come on, thought I already threw you out!
(Rooster throws Dale out again - leaving the old guy with Xev)
OLDGUY: Skip out when you hear the rattle of the sidewinder. Make me feel young again, little lady
ROOSTER: Come on!
OLDGUY: Hey Rooster, great party
(Rooster drags the old guy out. He comes back, sits down and starts eating a bowl of chips)
ROOSTER: Honey child - how could you do this to me?
XEV: Do what?
ROOSTER: You promise yourself to me forever in holy matrimony, then you start talking to them all like it was nothing?
XEV: I'm sorry
ROOSTER: I'm hurting bad, honey child
(Xev kneels down in front of him)
ROOSTER: Right here - the old ticker
(He pats at his heart. Xev takes his chips away)
XEV: I'll make you feel better
(She runs her hand up his leg, but he takes hold of her hands)
ROOSTER: I can't let you do that
ROOSTER: I don't wanna lose respect for you. We'll get married real soon, I promise
XEV: How soon?
ROOSTER: I think I can arrange the preacher for the day after tomorrow
(Xev stands up, turns away from him)
XEV: I don't know if I can hold out that long
ROOSTER: Where are you going?
XEV: Back to the big building made out of pipes and lights with the fire on top, where you picked me up
XEV: Kai'll be there now, he'll be waiting for me
(Rooster gets up, puts his hand on her shoulder)
ROOSTER: Who's Kai?
XEV: A friend
ROOSTER: A man friend or a lady friend?
XEV: A man friend
ROOSTER: Do you love him?
XEV: He's dead, there's no satisfaction in loving a dead man
(Rooster turns Xev to face him)
ROOSTER: Honey child, you are one weird mixed up girl. I dunno what it is, but you drive me crazy. How you gonna get to the refinery?
XEV: I'll stick my thumb out, like I did when you picked me up
ROOSTER: Oh no you won't!
(He sits her down, puts her legs up on the couch)
ROOSTER: Some freak could pick you up. I'll take you there, in the morning
(She lies back. He sits down beside her)
XEV: Rooster - what does an owl sound like?
XEV: Chip asked me to meet him when I hear the sound of the owl. Oh, and what's a mailbox?
ROOSTER: The blue box you stick the mail into. Don't they have them in B3K?
ROOSTER: I thought they were the same all across the States. Why are you asking me this?
XEV: I agreed to meet the tall cute dancing guy there
ROOSTER: Anybody else?
(Rooster stands up, gets his rifle down off the wall, and starts loading it)
XEV: What's that?
ROOSTER: That, is what Chip's gonna find waiting for him, just as soon as I hear his toowit toowooing, and the greeting card Dale's gonna get in the mailbox
(The geek trailer arrives at a sort of makeshift science lab. Tina introduces Kai to a man in a wheelchair. His voice is instantly recognisable as that of His Divine Shadow, and the Wozzard from 2.15 Woz)
TINA: Dr Ernst Longbore - Kai
KAI: I am looking for a love slave named Xev. She is dressed in a Cluster lizard skin. I dropped her at the petroleum oil refining building. I have searched the area and she is no longer there
LONG: We want to leave this planet, will you help us?
KAI: What do you want?
LONG: We want to leave this planet
(A moth flies to Earth. Inside, Prince kisses Stan on the cheek. Stan is not amused)
STAN: Don't do that!
PRINCE: I'm so happy!
STAN: So, apart from the fact that you live there, this - Earth, what is it, a good planet or a bad planet, or -
PRINCE: It's a bad planet Stanley, it's a splendidly bad planet
STAN: Yeah, 790 says it's a Type 13 planet
PRINCE: What does that mean?
STAN: Oh, just a planet that's about to be shrunk to the size of a pea by some scientists looking for a particle
PRINCE: You don't say
STAN: Yeah, I do say - so that means you should just turn the moth around and go back to the Lexx, and leave with us
PRINCE: What a good idea
STAN: Why aren't you turning around?
PRINCE: Because I like this planet
STAN: You just said it was a bad planet
PRINCE: Yes, and that's why I like it. However, I will take you up on your offer - not just at the moment though, as I still have many bad things to do here, but when I've done so many bad things that this planet is no fun anymore, I will fly away in the Lexx and find another planet to ruin - but not necessarily with you, Stanley Tweedle
(Prince pinches Stan's nose)
STAN: You put that bomb in the Lexx, didn't you, the one that went off in its stomach?
PRINCE: Indirectly, yes
STAN: Weren't you afraid you were just gonna blow the Lexx up?
PRINCE: No. You don't think that I'd expect the most powerful weapon in the two universes to be damaged by a little bomb from a Type 13 planet, do you?
(The moth approaches something that looks like a big oil tank or silo. It drops down through a door in the roof)
(Longbore's lab. Longbore, Kai, Tina and Dougall are watching the video of the crashed moth)
TINA: It seems to have some type of greenish orange blood, but the controls are clearly mechanical
DOUG: Show the symbol!
TINA: I am now zooming in on a symbol we've seen on several parts of the UFO
LONG: Freeze it. Curious
LONG: I have seen that symbol before
LONG: A number of places. What is it?
KAI: It is the symbolic icon of the Divine Order
LONG: And what is the Divine Order?
KAI: The Divine Order was a clerical organisation that once dominated the League of 20,000 Planets. The Divine Order was headed by His Divine Shadow, a human tyrant possessed of an insect essence - the enemy of humankind
LONG: You use the past tense. What happened to the Divine Order?
KAI: It was destroyed during the Cleansing, when all humans from the League of 20,000 were summoned to the Cluster, to be fed to a very large insect, called the GigaShadow
LONG: Did anyone survive?
KAI: No. The entire universe was destroyed
LONG: But if the universe was destroyed, how is it that we are here now?
KAI: The universe that was destroyed was the Light Universe, which once existed in the same time and space as the Dark Zone
LONG: So, we are in the Dark Zone
KAI: Yes - the universe of evil, chaos and depravity
(Xev is asleep on the couch. Rooster is ready with his gun. Chip arrives on a buggy, and Rooster goes out to meet him)
CHIP: Hey Rooster! What's up?
ROOSTER: You tell me, Chip
CHIP: I'm just out for a morning walk
ROOSTER: Is that right?
CHIP: Yeah. So, er - when's the wedding?
ROOSTER: There ain't gonna be no wedding
CHIP: Why not? Ah - you're gonna live in sin, aren't ya?
CHIP: Well, what then?
ROOSTER: There ain't gonna be no wedding, because I'm gonna be dead
CHIP: Say what?
ROOSTER: I'm gonna kill myself - that is, if the cops don't shoot me first
CHIP: Well, that's - that's real sad, Rooster. Especially when things are starting to look up for ya, yeah
ROOSTER: Yep. Real sad. For me - and for you too
CHIP: What, what are you on about there, Rooster?
ROOSTER: Lemmee explain it to you. I plan to shoot you square in your double crossing chest - right about now
CHIP: Whoa, hold on, hold on Rooster! Come on, come on, me and you was always good buddies. Look, here I am just out taking a morning walk, and, and thinking about you, as a fact, and you start putting this crazy thing on me -
ROOSTER: She's my woman, boy - forever
(Longbore has set up a screen, projected onto which is an old drawing of a hooded figure with the Divine Order icon, next to a sort of coffin)
LONG: It could be mere coincidence, but the number of segments in this symbol is precisely the same as in your icon
(Tina wheels Longbore closer to the screen. Another picture, of the icon above a pile of dead stick figures)
LONG: This was uncovered in the first Chaldean city of Ur in Sumeria, approximately 4000 BC. Once again - the identical number of segments, and once again, we find it associated with death
(Another picture - a painting, again showing the hooded figure)
LONG: This painting hangs in a small church in the foothills of the Carpathian mountains, in Eastern Hungary. Tell me your story
KAI: Tell me your story
LONG: My name is Dr Ernst W Longbore. Till recently I was associated with a team of researchers divided between this planet's most powerful nuclear particle accelerators. My team has been building ever more powerful particle accelerators, trying to determine the mass, if any, of the Higgs-Boson, in order to complete our picture of the basic building blocks of this universe. But I alone realised that the experiment we were doing was extremely dangerous, and would trigger a chain reaction that would cause the entire planet to instantly collapse into an ultra dense particle, about the size of a pea. We were drowning in the sea of our own insanity. I tried to stop the project, but in their blind rush to be the first to measure the Higgs-Boson, no-one would listen. I warned the government, and for my efforts to save the human race I was fired, dismissed from WAARP - the World Association of Applied Research Physicists - and stripped of all seven of my PhDs.
(Mindless trivia time - on a door behind Longbore it says DZ4 - 4.02)
(Back at the trailer park, things are not going well)
ROOSTER: Get on your knees!
(Chip does as he's told. Rooster takes aim)
CHIP: Rooster -
ROOSTER: Say your prayers, Chip
CHIP: Come on, buddy -
ROOSTER: You got 10 seconds - 9, 8, 7 -
CHIP: Rooster buddy boy, Rooster -
ROOSTER: 6, 5, 4, 3 -
(And then the old guy arrives on the scene. He aims a gun at Rooster)
OLDGUY: Hey! Now put that down Rooster, so as I don't have ta shoot ya
ROOSTER: I'm gonna shoot you too, old timer
OLDGUY: What fer?
ROOSTER: Couldn't catch a wink of sleep with your damn rattling all night
OLDGUY: Put that gun down, Rooster
ROOSTER: She was my one and only woman
(Rooster shoots the old guy, who manages to get off a shot and wound him. Xev wakes up. Chip tries to run, but Rooster shoots him. Xev looks out of the window)
(She races out of the trailer. Rooster is advancing on the wounded Chip)
ROOSTER: Ain't no-one gonna mess -
ROOSTER: - with my woman!
(Dale has also arrived. He runs to a truck, gets a gun)
XEV: Rooster! Rooster, what are you doing?
(Rooster turns, shoots Dale. Dale shoots Rooster, then falls to the ground. Chip grabs his gun from his buggy. Rooster and Chip shoot each other. Rooster falls to his knees, still aiming at Chip. Xev stands beside him)
ROOSTER: Honey child?
ROOSTER: You are my one and only woman
(He falls over, dead)
XEV: Oh, Rooster (sighs) What a waste
(Back in the lab, Longbore serves up another slice of exposition)
LONG: Sometime within the next twelve months, either Fermilab or CERN will reach the power level needed to determine the Higgs-Boson, and therefore, within the next twelve months, this planet will be shrunk to the size of a pea. We tried to sabotage the facilities, but they're onto us now. We know we can't stop Fermilab or CERN, the government will not listen to us, the media think we are a crazed cult. So we chose to gamble all our limited resources on one almost hopeless bet
KAI: And what is that?
(Longbore grabs Kai's chest, pulls him down)
LONG: You. We have been searching the skies and continuously broadcasting a distress message into space for two years now. We knew that unless we were rescued by advanced extra-terrestrials we would all die this year, along with every other plant, animal and micro-organism on this doomed planet. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you
KAI: What for?
LONG: For answering our call
KAI: I have not answered your call. I came to this planet with Xev, to learn if it was a good place for her to find suitable men who would make her happy
LONG: This planet is not a good place for anyone to do anything
VOICE: You're wrong about that - this is one hell of a planet!
DOUG: The ATF!
(Three men in black swing down from the ceiling on ropes and start shooting geeks - until Kai's brace makes short work of them. One through the chest, and a double decapitation. Tina looks at him with awe)
DOUG: How did you do that?
KAI: I was an assassin in the Divine Order, 6000 years ago. Who were they?
DOUG: The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms
KAI: Why were they attempting to kill you?
LONG: We don't know exactly. The ATF recently destroyed SETI - the organisation that searched for extraterrestrial life, with which we were closely associated
(Longbore looks at the picture on the screen again)
LONG: That action makes no sense, unless you believe as I do, that the blight of inexplicable and irrational events that have lately beset this world are a cry of pain, from a planet that knows it is doomed
(Kai touches the picture)
KAI: I would like to know more about this individual
KAI: Will you help me find Xev?
LONG: Will you help us leave this planet?
LONG: We will try to help you find her
(The trailer park. A sheriff is taking Xev's statement)
SHERIFF: Now ma'am, what did you say your story was?
XEV: Well, I promised Rooster that I was going to marry him, but I didn't want to hold out two more days until we - did it, you know? Rooster decided to have a party to announce the wedding, and so he invited all his friends to come over
SHERIFF: What friends?
XEV: All of them. And some of them were really nice, you know, they said they wanted to make love with me. I wanted to, so I agreed to meet them
XEV: Well (points at the bodies) Chip, and Dale, and the old guy too. But I guess, Rooster wasn't so happy about that, and, and so he took his weapon thing and went outside, and then - they all killed each other
SHERIFF: Now what'd you say you were?
XEV: I'm a love slave from the planet B3K
SHERIFF: And where is that?
XEV: That's in the Light Universe
SHERIFF: Now is that near Abilene?
XEV: No. It's in a parallel universe - but it doesn't exist anymore, since it was destroyed by drone arms
(The sheriff smiles, puts his note book away)
SHERIFF: Well ma'am - I'm gonna have to ask you to turn around
XEV: What for?
SHERIFF: Just turn around
(She turns her back to him, and he cuffs her hands behind her)
SHERIFF: Ma'am - I'm placing you under arrest, on suspicion of murder
XEV: You think I did this?
SHERIFF: Ma'am, it don't matter what I think. What matters is what the state of Texas thinks. But for now I'm gonna take you and lock you up, so you don't cause any more trouble
SHERIFF: Prison. Come on
(He puts her in his car)
(Stan is also a prisoner. He is strapped to a wall, very high up in the ATF bunker, next to Digby, the kid from 4.1 Little Blue Planet. Stan yells at the tiny figures moving below)
STAN: Get me down outta here! I'm Stanley H Tweedle, captain of the Lexx!
DIGBY: Don't worry. After a few weeks you get used to it
(Stan looks at him)
(The Lexx orbits the moon. A swarm of tiny probes fly past it, heading for Earth)