(A monitor plays black and white security camera footage of Kai and Xev rescuing Stan from the mental hospital, back in 4.10 Magic Baby. A man is watching, rolling some dice and talking to someone on the telephone. We can't see his face, but his voice sounds a lot like Moss, from 2.3 Lyekka)
MOSS: I don't care what it takes, or who I have to kill to do it, but I am bringing that big haired freak in
VOICE: Lieutenant - the nation's security is in your hands
(The Lexx. Stan is sitting on the pedestal, with Xev kneeling beside him. Kai and 790 are also on the bridge)
XEV: Look Stan - I've been thinking about it. In all the thousands of years we've spent together, we've never had any kind of real home, you know, not even for a little while. There must be some good places on Earth to live. Why not ask 790 to check out the planet and see if he can come up with a nice place for us?
KAI: 790, scan Earth databases to find the type of ideal place to accommodate Xev's wishes
790: What wish of mine will you accommodate in return?
790: And what does the love slut wish for, precisely?
XEV: Let's see(gets up) - a beautiful place with nice people - normal people. A place where there are no aliens that eat you, and life is good, and bad things don't happen all the time. With pretty houses and lots of trees and parks and clean streets. Bodies of water - bodies of men, young men - lots of those -
790: OK, enough, I've got it! It's not like you're deep. There you go
(The view screen starts to play a tacky advert for the perfect town)
VOICE: Beautiful Prime Ridge Ohio. Chosen by the United Nations as the best little town in the whole wide world ten years running. It's the ideal community, from our finely sculpted neighbourhood, to our folksy shopping district, to our all male college in the centre of town -
XEV: That's it
VOICE: And of course there's the jewel in our crown, the pride of Prime Ridge, our own CJD Meat Products. Come and see for yourself, and you'll soon agree that beautiful Prime Ridge Ohio is a great place to live(love the phone number - 1 855 CIAO COW!) XEV: All right - let's go! I wanna meet those men
STAN: I'm not going anywhere
XEV: Stan - without the key the Lexx doesn't respond to our orders, including the order to make food, so how are you gonna eat, hmm?
(They take a moth and fly down to Prime Ridge)
XEV: Looks just like on the view screen
(The moth flies past the big CJD cow blimp. Xev, Kai and Stan walk down a street full of big houses, with perfect lawns. Xev stands by a For Sale sign.)
XEV: Kai, what's this?
KAI: It is a sign advertising that this house is for sale. The small sign below it reads "Open House"
XEV: If it's open, let's go in
(Inside the house, a smartly dressed older woman is talking on her mobile phone)
DULCI: You're having what? Second thoughts? Oh, is that right. Funny - you weren't having second thoughts last night. Prick
(She puts the phone away in her handbag, has a quick swig from a hip flask. The Lexx crew walk in)
DULCI: Well, hello. I'm Dulcibella (shakes hands with Xev) Dulcibella Sternflanks. President of Sternflanks Realty
XEV: Xev of B3K
DULCI: Lovely. Is that in Ohio?
XEV: No, it's in a parallel universe. Stan, Kai
STAN: (trying to be charming) Yeah, see we're from the Light Zone, Ohio's in the Dark Zone
DULCI: No kidding
XEV: Are you selling this house?
DULCI: Oh yes. It's my exclusive property. So - look at this. Isn't this living room just to die for? (She takes them on a tour of the house) Such a magnificent garden - so beautiful (into the bathroom) Deep basin - Italian marble. This little baby will spoil you to death
(They go back downstairs)
DULCI: So what do you think Stan?
STAN: Well, I think all that talk about death makes it perfect for Kai
DULCI: Oh, why?
STAN: Because he's dead
DULCI: (to Kai) Do you like the house? Did it impress you?
KAI: Nothing has impressed me for over 6000 years
DULCI: OK. Xev?
XEV: I love it. We'll buy it!
DULCI: Really? Just like that?
DULCI: Wonderful! What's your offer?
DULCI: On the house. How much are you prepared to invest?
XEV: Oh. I don't know
DULCI: It's on the market for three hundred and seventy five - thousand
XEV: Kai, do those bank machines 790 told us about have that much money?
KAI: I do not know
DULCI: Of course they do
XEV: Good. We'll be right back. Guys?
(A little montage of footage from security cameras, as they visit one cash point after another - Prime Ridge addresses - Cattle Drive, Striploin Avenue! Kai types in 7-9-0, and money pours out. Stan puts it all in a sack. They take it back to Dulcibella)
DULCI: Congratulations! Sign here
(She hands a clipboard to Xev, who doesn't know what to do with it. She hands it to Stan, who gives it to Kai)
DULCI: And here is your welcome home meat basket - a Prime Ridge tradition. May you never have a mad cow in your brisket!
(She hands Xev a wicker basket full of sausages)
XEV: Thank you very much
(Xev plays with a sausage. Kai gives Dulcibella the clipboard)
DULCI: When is your furniture arriving?
XEV: Furniture, what's that?
STAN: It's things you sit on - Xev didn't have any furniture in the box she grew up in
XEV: Do we need it?
XEV: Can you help us get some?
(Another quick trip to the cash machines - and the house is fully furnished. It's even got a chest freezer in the living room)
STAN: There you go, Kai old pal
KAI: Thank you Stanley
(Kai flops into the freezer, and Stan closes the lid. Xev walks in from the kitchen, singing and carrying a tray of charred sausages. She sits down at the dinner table)
XEV: Look - I'm learning to cook!
STAN: Hey - looks great
(He sits at the table and they try some of the meat. You don't have to be from Earth to know that sausages aren't meant to be crunchy. They spit the bits out. Undaunted, Xev plays with some flowers in a vase)
STAN: Way to go, Xev
XEV: I love it, I just love it! Getting this house was definitely the best decision we ever made
(Stan turns on the television - it's showing an ad for a gun shop - which features scantily clad women)
STAN: Hey - let's go
(They sit and watch - ads for guns, sporting goods, CJD meat products, lawn care products, local news, game shows. Another montage of them watching - Kai gets out of freezer, joins them on couch. Boredom sets in, Xev falls asleep. Loads of take-away food and junk piles up. Kai goes back into freezer. Xev vacuums. Finally she's had enough and gets up off the couch)
XEV: I can't stand it any longer!
STAN: What is it this time?
XEV: This pathetic life we are living. We're doing everything we did on the Lexx - only less. I didn't come to Earth to just sit around all day watching the view screen. I'm going crazy
(Kai raises the lid of the freezer)
KAI: And I am expiring
KAI: The Earth freezing unit is not the equivalent of cryostasis. If you wish me to continue in a sentient state, we will have to return to the Lexx for more protoblood sooner than we had anticipated
STAN: No, relax, relax. Look, I can modify the freezing unit to give you the temperature you need. It's primitive technology. I'm certified, remember?
XEV: Of course
STAN: Yeah, I'll have our stiff, frozen stiff, in a jiff (laughs)
(Xev flops back down on the couch)
(Stan goes outside - and sees Dulcibella in the garden of the house next door. She's on her hands and knees trimming the grass around the flower bed with a pair of scissors. Stan walks over, kneels down on the other side of the flowers)
STAN: Hey you
DULCI: Hello Stanley Tweedle. You caught me
STAN: Do you live here?
DULCI: Yes I do. I didn't want to mention it when I sold you the house in case I scared you off
STAN: Oh, no no no, I'm not scared, no, not at all - quite the opposite in fact
DULCI: I got the house in my divorce settlement. My husband was a slimy, smelly, whore mongering hairy beast. An absolute Neanderthal - except where it counted. I'm glad to be rid of him. Is Xev your wife?
STAN: Xev? Oh no no no no no no. No Xev, Xev, she's like Kai, just - one of my crew
DULCI: Crew? What are you, a sea captain?
STAN: Oh no no, I'm a captain - of the Lexx. The most powerful destructive force in the two universes
DULCI: I like the sound of that
(They laugh. Inside the house, Xev and Kai are watching television)
XEV: Everything is always the same on this view screen
(As usual, there's footage of cows - and then a young man)
TAD: Hi. I'm Tad, and I love beautiful Prime Ridge. In the winter, I hit the books hard at the collegiate. And in the summer, me and hundreds of college guys hit our happy cows - with this (holds up a bolt gun?) We're proud to process the finest American beef, earning money for our studies while putting the steak on your table
XEV: You're cute, Tad
TAD: The meat industry is a challenging one to work in. CJD Meta Products is a model employer - regular breaks, games room, sing-a-longs, and if the job demands become too much, well you can always see our on-site stress counsellor. Her job is to make the work force happy and morale high - whatever it takes. We couldn't manage without her
XEV: I want to be - there (turns off television) KAI: Why?
XEV: I want to process meat at the plant, and I want to ensure that the work force is happy, whatever it takes. So how do I get the - what's that called again?
KAI: The job
XEV: A job, yeah
KAI: I suspect that 790 can assist you
(Outside, Stan and Dulcibella are getting along famously)
DULCI: Why don't we have dinner together later? At your place? I'll cook
STAN: Hey, you know - maybe you cook for me now, and maybe I'll cook for you later
DULCI:(laughs) You're on, Casanova!
(She gets up, takes her monogrammed flask and gun, and goes back into her house. Stan is delighted. He stretches, then gets down and touches the grass)
STAN: Oh, nice, nice
(He sniffs it, then lies down for a nap - aww!)
(The CJD meat plant. A woman in a wheelchair is at her desk, checking on some guns in a cabinet. 790 appears on her computer monitor)
790: Hey, stress counsellor - we're onto you. You've been caught. That's right, you twisted old bat - your depraved ways are coming to an end, right here and now. On behalf of management I'm hereby firing you for sexual harassment of the workers. Clear out your desk and get your sick kicks somewhere else!
(The poor woman has a heart attack. As men wheel her body away on a stretcher, Xev is in the supervisor's office on the other side of the corridor, having her job interview)
SUPER: I must say your timing is impeccable. Right now, today, we require an emergency replacement for our stress counsellor, who has just suffered a horrible fatal heart attack. Poor Sandra. She loved this plant. So Xev, may I see your resume?
XEV: Oh, it should be on your view screen
(Right on cue, it appears on the computer - complete with picture of Xev in white coat)
XEV: I like to make people happy, whatever it takes - especially men
SUPER: Ye-es. Congratulations. You can start immediately
(They shake hands)
SUPER: But I should warn you Miss Bellringer, we run a squeaky clean operation here. You are the workers friend and confidant, their advisor, and nothing more. No - and I mean no - physical intimacy is permitted with the staff. And just to ensure there is no hanky panky, your office has a video camera to record your every move. Understood?
XEV: Yes sir
(Back at the house, a young man and his girlfriend - Gordon and Skankita - crawl around behind some bushes, pause to look at sleeping Stan, then go inside and start pulling at cushions and drawers)
GORDON: Come on, come on, where is it? I know it's here. Where are you. Show yourself, dammit. Where the hell do these freaks keep their money, man?
SKANK: Same place you keep your head, boyfriend
(And then Gordon sees the freezer)
GORDON: The freezer - that's where they all hide their coin. Your savings equal our dope, right Skankita?
(Gordon raises the lid - and Kai's brace grabs his throat)
KAI: What are you doing?
GORDON: It was her idea
KAI: You are thieves
GORDON: No man, we just lost our tour group
(Kai gets up, and tightens the grip of his brace)
GORDON: OK, OK, I'm Gordon, this is Skankita, we're crack heads looking for cash, but we're harmless, honest - it's just a short term addiction
(Kai lets him go)
GORDON: Well, what about you, man?
KAI: What about me?
GORDON: You're hanging out in a freezer. You're packing a terminator space claw thing, and you're sporting a beehive like some weirdo demented Elvis lounge singer, kinda "Hey baby, shoo-bop-a-loo-la" kinda guy, sorta
KAI: The dead do not shoo-bop-a-loo-la
(His head flops to one side)
GORDON: What, you're dead?(he shakes Kai awake) You said you're dead?
KAI: Yes. I am a dead assassin (stands up) GORDON: Whoa. It's moments like this I'm glad I'm hooked on the rock
(The CJD plant. Xev Bellringer, Stress Counsellor, is sitting in her office, wearing a white coat, filing her nails. There's a knock on the door)
XEV: Come in
(In comes Cleasby - a very nervous young lad)
XEV: Hello there. I'm Xev of B3K, the new stress counsellor. The last one just died. I'm here to make you happy. What's your name?
CLEASBY: Er, Cleasby, Cleasby
XEV: Hello Cleasby Cleasby. Please take a seat
(Cleasby takes off his bloodstained apron. In his office, the supervisor is watching all this. He puts in a tape and starts recording)
XEV: Why have you come here, Cleasby?
CLEASBY: Oh, I shouldn't have come
(He goes to leave)
XEV: No no no! There's something on your mind. Tell me about it - I want to know. Whatever it is, I'm here to help. Trust me
(He sits down)
CLEASBY: Can I - can I really really trust you?
XEV: Of course you can
CLEASBY: Well - I work in the evisceration department, scooping up steaming cow guts all day
XEV: That's nice
CLEASBY: It's not, I hate it! It's getting to me, you know, I am a strict vegetarian for Pete's sake! I take minimum four showers a day. You know, I wasn't meant for a job like this
XEV: Then why are you here?
CLEASBY: My dad. Well, he loves his yard, right, more than anything - except maybe his guns. I mean, I like guns too - I like guns a lot! And the paper targets in the rifle range - they're starting to talk to me - taunting, mocking! And I shoot, and I shoot, and I shoot, and I shoot, and I, and I shoot - and I shoot and I shoot -
XEV: That's enough for me Cleasby
CLEASBY: Anyway, I've got these horrible allergies. Terrible hayfever, always have, and I couldn't do yard work and he hated me for it, told me I was a pansy, that I'd never amount to anything. He used to chase me around with a mower. Dad saw to it that I worked here every summer since I was thirteen. Said the kill floor would make a man out of me if anything could
(Xev listens, pats his hand)
XEV: Go on
(In the house, Kai is listening to Gordon and Skankita)
GORDON: It's like - screw you man - who wants to be like the people in this town anyhow. They're all just totally nuts about their lawns, like it's some kind of pissing contest
SKANK: Without the piss (she spits) GORDON: My mom's the same. She is totally mental about her sod. I mean, she is just totally addicted to grass, I'm addicted to crack - we're no different. And sometimes I just wanna like - blow them all away. I mean, you're an assassin, you know what I'm talking about. Man, I really need a hit about now
KAI: If you require money for your drug purchases, there is a large bag of it on the table right behind you
(Gordon and Skankita look at the bag, then throw handfuls of money around, laughing)
GORDON: We can sprinkle eight balls on our weenie now baby!
KAI: If you need more, simply go to any bank machine and enter the number 790
SKANK: You're not serious
KAI: I am. You can obtain as much as you -
(He falls over - gets up, falls back into freezer)
KAI: - want
(Xev is starting to look a little bored with her new job, as Cleasby carries on talking)
CLEASBY: - so Tammy, the ball busting manipulator that she is, dumps me for Wallace in front of the whole class. I can still see their faces, everyday - pointing at me, laughing - you know, nine whole years on I still haven't gotten over her, she's still the one for me, I just gotta make her understand, but she won't return any of my messages - and it's not like she doesn't get them, I send so many!
XEV: See - I've listened to you very carefully, and it's obvious to me that you're suffering from terrible sexual tension. If you ask me, you require passionate sweaty red hot love making. You need to be thrown on a bed, bounced up and down, spun round and round until your head explodes and your body gives up and you beg for mercy - but - you can't stop there (smiles) You need to go at it again and again and again and again and faster and harder and harder and faster, all night long and all through the next day! Then you'll be cured
CLEASBY: Who would do that with me?
XEV: I'd be happy to, right now - but I can't. They won't let me. They watch me, with that (she points at security camera) and plant rules forbid any physical contact
CLEASBY: So - ?
XEV: So, why don't you come over to my place tonight and we'll make you happy there?
XEV: It's 45 Rumproast Way. We'll go straight to my room and start your therapy. How's 5.30?
CLEASBY: 5.30 is great!
XEV: Terrific. See you then. Bye!
(She smiles. Cleasby leaves, a new man)
VOICE: Your attention please. Here is what's on today's lunch menu. Beef, beef, beef - and beef!
(The plant supervisor goes to lunch. A young man sneaks into his office and takes the tape of Cleasby's session, replacing it with a new tape)
(Tad is holding court in the men's room, which is fully equipped with couch, stereo, television etc.)
TAD: And before you know it she's got her nose in the grass and the greenest elbows in Prime Ridge!
(His cronies laugh - then pull out their guns as someone comes in - it's the guy with the tape)
TAD: About time. Slap it in
(They watch the tape of Cleasby's session - the section where he says his dad calls him a pansy)
TAD: He nailed that one right on the head!
(Stan wakes up on the lawn. He goes into the garage - the moth is parked inside)
(The tape has reached the part where Xev is describing what she's going to do to Cleasby)
TAD: Oh, come on baby!
(Cleasby is outside the men's room - he can hear the others in there and doesn't want to go in, but nature calls. He goes to a urinal, but two of Tad's cronies grab him and hold him down on the floor until he wets himself)
TAD: Cleasby! Just the man we've been looking for
(Back at the house, Stan walks out of the garage, carrying some tools. He looks at the upstairs window of the house next door)
(There's a woman standing at the window in a towel, but it's not Dulcibella - she's younger. She dries herself, and looks at Stan. He smiles and waves - and she walks away. He stops smiling and walks back into the house)
(In the men's room, Tad takes the tape out of the video, puts it beside television)
TAD: Ah, poor widdle Cleasby. He's too sensitive to work on the kill floor. His daddy's a meanie, and the girls all hate him! (laughs) You know why? Because you're an imbecile. A spaz. The girls puke at the sight of you. Let him have it
CLEASBY: No, don't -
TAD: Stop and smell the goldenrod, allergy dweeb!
(The guys hold a plastic tub of leaves up to Cleasby's face. He coughs, and his nose starts streaming)
TAD: You're pathetic. And your date with the new stress counsellor - not that it's gonna happen - would be a disaster, because you're a disaster
(They all laugh at him)
TAD: As for me, I'm gonna return this tape (picks up a tape) march into that Xev honey's office and get down and dirty with her right there and then. I'll bring a tape of that back when I'm finished. Keep hurting him
(Tad leaves. Poor Cleasby gets another dose of goldenrod)
GUY1: Hey, Tad took the wrong tape
GUY2: That's OK, we'll watch it again
(Remember Moss, from the start of the episode? He's loading his gun in his shadowy office, on the phone again)
MOSS: Cute, real cute. We've tracked 'em down to Prime Ridge, Ohio
VOICE: Prime Ridge?
MOSS: That's right. World's nicest town. Still - me and my team are gonna go in. And if we have to, we'll barbecue Prime Ridge
(He aims his gun at a screen showing footage of the Lexx crew emptying cash machines)
(In the men's room, the guys are watching the tape - but it's not the Cleasby session. This shows Tad going into the (dead) stress counsellor's office - and kissing her. The guys lose interest in Cleasby, and sit down to watch)
TAD: Time to remove your teeth, Mrs Blassmireinen
(He drops his pants. She wheels out from behind her desk, removes her teeth, and puts her arms around him)
(But they keep watching. Cleasby sneaks away)
(Tad is having less success with the current stress counsellor)
TAD: To hell with the rules! I'm the plant manager's son. Look - I'm hunky, you're cute. I want your naked expertise and I want it now
XEV: I said no
TAD: Nobody says no to me
XEV: I just did (smiles sweetly) TAD: You can't refuse me. Look what I'm packing (he gets up, drops his pants) There's more beef here than in this whole plant
(But Xev is not impressed. She stands up)
XEV: You remind me of Stanley Tweedle - and that doesn't work for me
TAD: You can't refuse! I need to get better, I have to be satisfied. Now come here and do your job!
(He grabs her head, but she hisses, so he lets go. He pulls his pants up, and heads back to the men's room)
TAD: Where's Cleasby? What are you guys -
(He sees the tape they're watching. They all laugh, and leave him)
TAD: Cleasby is to blame for all of this, and he'll pay. Oh yeah - that little jerk is gonna pay
(Stan is in the tub, sponging himself - and singing)
STAN: Dulcibella, I wanna tell ya, Stan the man is gonna open your can, and then he's gonna thrill ya
(There's a knock on the bathroom door - a woman's hand runs down it)
STAN: Hello? Dulcibella? That you sweetheart? You're early my sweetheart. I'm just giving myself a little rubby dub before our sweet encounter
(There's another knock)
STAN: What's the matter? So overcome with desire that you wanna come in right this instant? Oh, I see - can't hold out any longer? Hmm. OK then - I guess you'd better get in here right now
(The door opens - it's not Dulcibella. It's the young woman who was at the window earlier)
STAN: You're not Dulcibella!
PICC: No, I'm her daughter, Piccolina
STAN: She didn't tell me she had a kid
PICC: Well she wouldn't. She says she's disowned me, and my brother. My mother is an alcoholic cheap tart, who soaked my father for every cent he had when they divorced, and shares none of it with her children. If you give her half a chance, she'll soak you too
STAN: Well, that was the idea actually. She was -
PICC: I didn't mean like that. She will use you and throw you away. You're an idiot if you sleep with her
STAN: Oh well, gee - all that stuff, that's really terrible. But you see, every once in a while - a long while - a man's gotta relax his standards, you see? And I've been priming myself for this all day, and once I get aroused, I can't turn it off just like (clicks his fingers) that, know what I mean?
PICC: Yeah - I do
(She slips off her clothes, and gets into the tub. Stan is shocked - and delighted. He stretches his arm around her)
(Dulcibella walks shakily up to the house - drinking already. She sees the moth in the garage, and has another drink, then walks into the house)
DULCI: Stan? Oh Stanley! It's Dulcibella Sternflanks. Stanley, I have a little present for you
(It's a pair of garden shears, wrapped with a bow)
(Up in the bathroom, Stan and Piccolina hear her)
STAN: Dulcibella, that's your mother!
PICC: So what. Who cares?
DULCI: Don't you want to see it?
(She hears splashing - Stan trying to get away from Piccolina)
DULCI: Oh, there you are
(She puts the shears down on the stairs, and heads up to the bathroom)
STAN: No, we can't, we can't, we can't, we shouldn't. Don't. This is bad!
(But he's giggling. Piccolina won't leave him alone)
DULCI: I hear you Stanley, you're in the bathroom. I'm coming in there
(And she does)
STAN: Dulcibella, you know, your daughter here was just telling me what a wonderful mother you are -
(Dulcibella pulls a gun out of her handbag)
STAN: She fell in, honest, she just fell in!
PICC: Just to bug you
(Stan is trying to hide behind his sponge)
DULCI: Ungrateful brat! Degenerate penis monster! I'll kill you both!
PICC: Oh shut up
DULCI: I will. I w -
(She gets upset, sits down on the side of the tub)
DULCI: Oh, am I really a terrible mother?
PICC: The worst. Now where were we Stan?
(Xev walks into the house, carrying a bunch of flowers)
XEV: Hello! Anybody home? Stan!
(She picks up a vase for the flowers, goes into the living room - and sees that the freezer is open, empty, and covered in dirty marks)
(In the bathroom, Piccolina is trying to tickle Stan, who is trying to get away)
DULCI: I meant well. I tried to make everyone happy, I did - but no-one tried to make me happy in return. So I turned to my lawns - and then drink - (strokes her gun) - and then guns
(Stan looks concerned. Piccolina looks bored. Dulcibella looks at them)
DULCI: Oh, to hell with that!
(She throws the gun away, and gets into the tub)
STAN: You know, if you two ladies wanted to, er, kiss and make up - I'd be all for that, as a starting point
(Cleasby knocks at the front door. Xev finishes cleaning the freezer and lets him in)
XEV: Cleasby Cleasby, hi! Come on in
CLEASBY: Nice house. Great - er - lawn
XEV: Are you OK?
CLEASBY: Oh, yeah. Good, fine
XEV: Great. Then why don't you take off your clothes and we'll start relieving some of that stress
CLEASBY: Well, um, I've been thinking about that, and - (cue romantic music) I love you Xev. I know I've only seen you once for half an hour, but ever since then I've stopped thinking about Tammy. She's out of my mind. Dad doesn't matter anymore, and I actually enjoyed gouging out the organs for the rest of my shift. You've set me free! Oh, my heart is yours, forever
XEV: Good. Now let's get naked and have some fun
CLEASBY: No, don't you see?
(He takes off his jacket - he has lots of guns strapped to his chest. He holds one in each hand)
XEV: Those are - guns, right?
(A van pulls up outside, labelled Fresh Beef Industries. The driver is wearing an FBI cap, we he changes to one that says Fresh Beef Industries. He gets out binoculars and looks at the house)
(Inside, Xev backs away from Cleasby)
CLEASBY: I can't have sex with you. My devotion transcends the needs of the flesh, into the realm of the sacred. We must be united in our devotion, but it has to be pure
XEV: Meaning what?
CLEASBY: Meaning I'm gonna blow your brains out, and do the same to myself. It's the only way we'll be together for all eternity!
XEV: I don't think so
TAD: Neither do I
(Yes, Tad is in the house - and he's brought guns as well)
TAD: This is the way it's gonna be, Cleasby. I'm gonna air condition your ugly face, and then this upstart counsellor here is gonna perform her job on my body till I say it's enough. Why? Because I'm me. And that's who I am. And people have to do what I tell them to!
XEV: Look - maybe I should leave the two of you alone
(FBI agents get out of the van, onto Dulcibella's lawn)
FBI: Watch the flowers, watch the flowers, watch the flowers!
(But they race over the flower bed, into the house, and take aim at Tad and Cleasby)
FBI: Freeze, FBI! Drop your weapons now!
CLEASBY: No, you drop yours!
TAD: You drop yours!
XEV: Stop! This is crazy
FBI: Everyone who's not an FBI agent will drop their weapon now, or we will open fire!
(Up in the bathroom, Stan is sitting between Dulcibella and Piccolina)
STAN: What's going on down there?
DULCI: I don't know but they better stay off my lawn, whoever they are
(She gets out of the tub, grabs her gun, goes to the window - and sees what's happened to her garden)
DULCI: You! You bastards!
(Gun at the ready, she leaves the bathroom)
STAN: Hey! I think going down there is a bad idea!
PICC: Oh, let her go - her whole life's a bad idea
(Piccolina wraps a towel around herself, and gets out of the tub)
STAN: What are you doing?
PICC: Getting some bad ideas of my own
(She picks up a gun (off a chair?) and aims it at Stan, who tries to hide)
(Dulcibella is now on the stairs)
DULCI: My lawn. My beautiful lawn!
DULCI: Nobody tramples my lawn and lives!
(Then Kai, Gordon and Skankita arrive - and they have guns too)
GORDON: Cry me a river, ma!
DULCI: Gordon! I thought you were in jail
GORDON: Yeah, I escaped, and thanks to Kai here, I got enough money to buy a truckload of guns
KAI: Hey ho, Xev
(Kai staggers between FBI agents, and lies down on top of the freezer)
GORDON: - and an avalanche of dope. My head is loaded, my shotgun is loaded, and now I'm about to kill you, mother
DULCI: But why, darling?
GORDON: Because, you're a lawn-obsessed, money grabbing bitch, and I'm your crack-addled offspring. What more reason do you need?!
DULCI: Now you sound just like your sister
(Everyone is aiming guns at everyone else. The atmosphere is not good)
XEV: Everybody, please - this is madness. Drop your guns, and we can work this all out, right? After all, I'm a professional stress counsellor. So, please, just relax, everybody calm down, that's right, that's right, easy, easy
(Things are starting to get calmer - and then Cleasby backs into some flowers. The allergies kick in, and he sneezes - shooting Tad. Tad's gun goes off, shooting an agent. Everyone shoots at everyone else. Xev takes cover by the freezer. An agent shoots Skankita's arm. Tad's gang arrives - all armed - as well as FBI reinforcements)
XEV: Kai, do something
(Kai sits up - staggers)
KAI: Dead people - big guns
(He tries to fire his brace - but it's floppy. He looks at it)
(More FBI agents head for the house. One steps on the grass)
FBI: Whoa - nice lawn
(They go around the lawn, into the house. Gordon shoots at them. Upstairs, Piccolina is shooting out of the bathroom window. An agent falls down onto a bush)
PICC: It can be fun
(Downstairs, the gunfire continues. Xev rolls across the living room to the stairs, runs up them. In the bathroom, Stan is keeping well down in the tub)
STAN: Stop, please Piccolina, don't!
(She shoots some more agents as they try to cross the lawn, then sighs)
PICC: I'm bored now
(Xev reaches the bathroom door. Piccolina fires, just missing her)
PICC: Oh, sorry
XEV: Forget about it
STAN: Oh Xev, am I ever glad to see you
PICC: I guess I'll go now (leaves) XEV: You OK?
STAN: Don't ask
(Downstairs, Dulcibella shoots Skankita in the chest. Gordon aims his gun at her)
GORDON: No mercy, ma. You treated me like meat, now I'm gonna turn you into a carcass
DULCI: Gordon - you were a happy baby
(She puts her hands up. Piccolina appears on the stairs behind her)
PICC: Gordon! I thought you were in jail
GORDON: Hey sis! No, I escaped. Now I'm about to blow ma's brains out
(While Dulcibella is looking at Piccolina, Skankita grabs the shears and stabs Dulcibella in the back)
GORDON: What did you do that for?
(He shoots Skankita in the thigh)
SKANK: I thought you wanted her dead
GORDON: That was the crack talking!
(Dulcibella falls back against the fall, then flops over, dead)
(Upstairs, Stan is putting on his uniform)
STAN: This is definitely a Type 13 planet, and right now - it's beyond its last stage
XEV: Don't think about that now, think about getting out of here alive
STAN: Alive? Alive's good, I'm all for alive
(Downstairs, things are drawing to a close - bodies everywhere)
SKANK: I wanted to make you happy
GORDON: Oh, I love you too Skankita
(They kiss. Kai gets up, staggers past them, and does a forward roll out onto the lawn. Gordon and Skankita leave the house after him)
GORDON: Hey, thanks for everything man!
(Kai waves. Then Gordon sees the moth)
GORDON: Oh, god
(Cleasby is about to blow his brains out - when Piccolina comes downstairs. Their eyes meet - and the romantic music plays once more. She crawls across the floor to him, and they shake hands)
PICC: You were about to kill yourself
CLEASBY: Oh yeah, I'm filled with hate and pain
PICC: Well, I understand. Life's a bowl of crap, but that's no reason to take your own life
CLEASBY: You're right, so right. Piccolina?
CLEASBY: I love you. Which means I'm gonna have to kill you
PICC: Ah, go ahead. I don't care
PICC: Yeah. Everything sucks anyway
CLEASBY: Wow, you're something else. I don't think I can kill you after all
PICC: Oh well, umm - let's get it on then
(They start kissing, oblivious to all the bullets still flying through the air)
(The bathroom. Xev looks out of the window, sees Kai collapse on the lawn)
XEV: Oh no
XEV: Kai, his protoblood has expired
(She gets onto the windowsill)
XEV: Quick Stan (she jumps) Coming?
STAN: I'm coming, I'm coming
(He clambers out of the window)
(Stan falls to the ground. Xev dusts him off - then they see the moth fly away, with Gordon and Skankita waving)
STAN: We're stuck
XEV: No we're not. That car, we can take that, come on
(They pull Kai up and drag him to the car on Dulcibella's drive)
(In the FBI van, Moss is looking at dice)
XEV: All right, the key thing is in
STAN: OK, just like the space shuttle. That pedal makes it go, and the lever makes it go backward and forward. The wheel thing is for turning it
XEV: Right, I know - Rooster had one
(She drives the car away)
(In the FBI van, the dice show two sixes. Moss gets out, looks at the car driving away)
MOSS: That's right, run. Run as fast as you can. I'll be right behind you
(Time to survey the carnage. There are dead FBI agents all over the lawn, inside the house. Dulcibella is dead on the stairs, Tad and his friends dead on the living room floor. Cleasby is lying on the floor, with Piccolina curled up on top of him - they both look happy)
CLEASBY: That was amazing. With you in my life, I think I can start resolving some of my issues
PICC: Great. Just - bathe a little more often, OK? You smell like rancid tartar(?) CLEASBY: Sure darling
(He picks up a gun, aims it at her head, smiles)
(The moth flies past the CJD cow blimp)
GORDON: Man, I really need a hit about now