(Rimsore, Ohio - a small American town. In Mort's Funeral Parlor, a strange young man is working on the corpse of a young woman, while a radio plays in the background)
RADIO: That was Your Beautiful Blue Eyes, by Booboo McKee and the Cornstalks. Don't touch that dial, 'cause this next tune is sure to get your blood flowing
(Mort sticks a needle into the corpse, and starts draining it)
MORT: Out with the old -
(He puts in another needle, pumping in embalming fluid)
MORT: And in with the new
(He looks at the corpse's toes - red nail polish)
MORT: Yes, yes - splendid
(He sniffs at them, then starts playing)
MORT: This little piggy is lifeless, and this little piggy can't roam, this little piggy is still as the grave, and this little piggy is done, and this little piggy -
RADIO: We interrupt our broadcast for an important news flash. This one's a doozy, folks. It seems we got ourselves a trio of highly dangerous fugitives in the Rimsore area. One of the male suspects is described as having a black beehive hairdo. The second wears a red hat and a matching jump-suit, and the third one is very nice looking woman dressed in a lizard skin outfit. Stay tuned for updates
(Mort gets out a saw)
MORT: This little piggy went all the way to its new home
RADIO: Don't touch that dial, 'cause we got 45 minutes on non-stop toe-tapping tunes
(In the background, there is the sound of sawing)
(Meanwhile, not far away, Xev drives a car past a petrol station. Stan is beside her)
XEV: What are all those cars doing back there?
STAN: I don't know, beats me
XEV: How's Kai doing?
STAN: How you doing, Kai pal?
(Kai is passed out on the back seat)
STAN: Not so good. He's dead to the world, and I don't mean in a good way
XEV: I think you should be going a little faster, car
STAN: What is it, what's happening?
XEV: I don't know. The car's stopping on its own
STAN: Oh great, that's just great!
XEV: Go, car, go! Don't stop now!
(But of course, the car stops)
STAN: Look, this is a Type 13 planet which means it's very primitive. I don't think the car can hear you
(Later. Stan has been looking at the engine)
STAN: Well, I'm pretty good on mechanical things, and everything looks fine. There must be something wrong with its programming
XEV: Maybe it needs to eat
XEV: Maybe it's thirsty then. Maybe that's why those cars were stopping back there
STAN: No Xev, no no, it's not like the Lexx, it doesn't have to eat or drink
STAN: I could probably reprogram it if I could find the main processor. What am I gonna use for tools? I mean, I've got nothing!
(Xev has found a shopping trolley at the side of the road)
STAN: What's that for?
(They put Kai into the trolley and start pushing it across a field)
STAN: Hey Xev, over there
(A police car drives past the field)
XEV: Just stay calm, Stan. Maybe they won't notice us
(But the police car stops)
POLICE: All units, all units - the Prime Ridge suspects are east of the town road. Repeat, the three Prime Ridge suspects are just east of the town road, heading for the woods
(Back at the funeral parlor, Mort has put on a thick coat and gone into a cold storage room. He pulls back a cover on a trolley and talks to someone we can't see)
MORT: You look so down - but I got something - some things - to cheer you up. Piggies
(He uncovers a tray full of toes)
(Xev and Stan, carrying Kai, have made it into the woods. They stop and hide as a police car drives past)
(They drag Kai to his feet, and cross the road to Mort's Funeral Parlor. Kai falls, so Xev helps him onto Stan's shoulders)
STAN: Get him up. I got ya
(Kai bumps into the sign, knocking off some of the letters, so that Funeral becomes Fun)
(Mort is playing with the toes)
MORT: Little tiny beautifully perfect piggies - and look, they go wee wee wee -
(He hears a knock on the door)
MORT: Ah - company
(He leaves the freezer)
(Upstairs, Xev and Stan are banging on the door)
XEV: Hello? Hello? Please open!
STAN: Hello? Come on, somebody answer
(Mort unlocks the door, wearing his blood-spattered gown)
XEV: Please let us in
STAN: (uneasy) No, I think we got the wrong - the house next door -
(He turns away, dragging Kai)
MORT: Has he been dead for a while?
STAN: Six thousand years
MORT: You're the fugitives from the radio, aren't you?
XEV: What fugitives?
MORT: The ones wanted for the Prime Ridge murders
XEV: No, no
STAN: No no no, we're not
MORT: Yes you are
STAN: OK, we are fugitives, but we're innocent, we didn't kill anybody
(Mort is looking at Xev's breasts)
XEV: Please let us in, the police are after us
STAN: We're not dangerous
MORT: Come on in
(They go inside. Mort locks the door behind them)
(Nearby, police cars are gathering. One pulls up, and out gets Festus Trout)
TROUT: What you got, sheriff?
SHERIFF: Can't be far. We'll start a house to house search, pronto
TROUT: Yes sir. It'll be my pleasure to bring those archfiends in myself sir, dead or alive
SHERIFF: Festus, these freaks are the real thing. Deranged killers all, they'd chew you up and spit you out if you try to arrest 'em
TROUT: I ain't afraid of them
SHERIFF: No-one writes a finer parking ticket than you, Festus Trout, but face it - you're a health inspector who plays at being a part time cop at the weekends. Leave the big stuff to the big boys
TROUT: You underestimate me, sheriff
SHERIFF: It doesn't matter anyway. The FBI are insisting they get the collar on this one, no ifs, ands, or buts. As far as I'm concerned, they can have it. So, you see any sign of our suspects, you report straight to me, and I report to them. They take the bad guys down, understand? I don't want to lose any men tonight - even you
TROUT: Do it straight by the book, sir (turns away) - my book
(Xev and Stan put Kai on the floor - in a room full of coffins)
XEV: Thanks again for letting us in, Mr, er..?
MORT: My name is Mort
XEV: Xev, Stan, he's Kai
STAN: What's that?
MORT: It's a coffin
STAN: A what?
MORT: You put a dead person in it, after they die
STAN: Well, yeah, they do that on some planets
XEV: We're from a parallel universe, and people there are mostly put in the protein bank and fed to a giant insect
STAN: What do you do with dead people after you put them in a coffin?
MORT: Well, they're viewed here for a day or two by bereaved relatives, and then either burned or cremated
STAN: How come you got no dead people here now?
MORT: The people in Rimsore think there is something not quite right about me, so I don't get that much business these days, except over spill from other towns - like when there's a big accident and lots of people get killed (grins) I'm known for making young women look their breast - I mean, best
(He looks at Xev, who looks uncomfortable)
(Outside, Festus Trout walks up the path to the funeral parlor)
TROUT: Mort! Mort!
MORT: Quick - get your friend through there
(They drag Kai through a door)
TROUT: Where's the little creep? Mort! Mort! Mort! Open this door or I'll kick it in. Mort!
(Mort goes to open the door)
TROUT: Kick your ass all the way to the county jail, shifty little weasel. Open up, or I'll snap you like a twig
MORT: Come in, Deputy Trout
TROUT: Anyone else in here with you tonight, Mort?
MORT: Nobody but me, deputy
TROUT: Sure about that? Sure you don't have three fugitives running from the law inside with you? That's the sort of twisted creepy little thing that you would do
(Trout looks around the room)
MORT: What fugitives?
TROUT: Tell me you don't know the Prime Ridge killers
MORT: Oh, yes, I did hear something about them, but no-one's come in here alive, deputy - except for you
TROUT: Standards, Mort, standards. Expensive looking coffins you got here, Mort. Tell me - how many times do you use 'em?
MORT: Excuse me?
TROUT: Don't play dumb with me, Mort. You're a sneak, and a no-good. I know you switch these primo coffins with cheapo cardboard ones just before you stick the dear departed into the cremation furnace, and you sell off the originals, or you reuse them, or I don't know what
MORT: I do no such thing!
TROUT: Don't lie to me, Mort. I know what you're up to. And I'm gonna catch you doing it one of these days. That's a promise
(Trout heads for the door leading to the basement)
MORT: Now there's nothing for you down there!
(But of course, they go down to the basement. Trout pulls covers off some bodies on trolleys - Kai, Xev and Stan)
TROUT: There's nobody here but you, huh Mort?
MORT: Nobody alive. These poor unfortunates were brought in earlier today - over spill from a tragic food poisoning case over in Crack Falls
TROUT: And what's in the freezer?
(Mort stands in front of the freezer door)
MORT: Oh, nothing can live in there. It's supercold, minus 80 degrees centigrade
(Unseen, Stan and Xev sit up to peek at what's going on, then lie down again before Trout turns around. He picks up a big needle)
TROUT: Well then, if these folks are really dead, it won't hurt if jab them with this little needle now, will it?
(He holds the needle over Stan)
MORT: Well, of course not - but it would make a mess of things - and it's very disrespectful to the deceased
(Trout holds the needle over Xev)
TROUT: What do you know about respect?
MORT: Please, I'd really rather you didn't
TROUT: Is that so, Morty old boy? Well, I'd really rather that I did
(He stabs the needle into Kai's chest, and looks for a reaction - there isn't one)
TROUT: One of these days, you loathsome freakish toad, I'm gonna bring you to justice
(He heads back upstairs)
MORT: He's gone
(Stan and Xev get off their trolleys)
STAN: Whoa, that was way too close! I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate needles
XEV: I don't like them either Stan
KAI: The dead do not fear needles
MORT: He spoke!
XEV: Happy day
MORT: But you told me he was dead
STAN: He is
XEV: Kai, talk to me - are you OK?
KAI: Okie dokie - going down
MORT: I don't understand. He's dead - the needle - no reaction!
XEV: He's a living dead, OK? Look, I'll explain it to you later. Right now we have to try and preserve what little life he has left. Can we use your freezer?
MORT: Yes, it's minus 80 degrees centigrade. At that temperature cell structure doesn't break down, but-
STAN: OK, well that should be cold enough to keep Kai's protoblood from breaking down anymore
XEV: Can we put him in there?
MORT: No! I mean - yes, but first I have to clear out a space for him
XEV: Please hurry - please
MORT: Yes, yes
(Mort puts his coat on and goes into the freezer. Xev pulls the needle out of Kai's chest. Mort uncovers the girl on the trolley)
MORT: Deedee - we have visitors. A living dead one. This is so exciting. No - it's more than that - it's fate
(He covers her again, moves the trolley, then goes out and pulls Kai's trolley inside)
MORT: Come on in
STAN: Whoa, cold! Hey, what's with all the body parts?
MORT: I'm a mortician. It's my job to deal with the aftermath of death - with all its aspects
STAN: What's under here?
MORT: This is of little concern to you. Quickly, we must leave before the temperature begins to rise
(He ushers them out. Stan notices the radio)
STAN: Hey, that's a transmitter (turns it on) 790?
RADIO: More and more FBI agents are arriving in the Rimsore area by the hour. All roads in and out of the county are blocked
XEV: Stan, we are in a big mess
STAN: Oh yeah, what else is new? OK, well that's it - it's time for action
XEV: What action?
STAN: I have absolutely no idea
XEV: I do
XEV: 790. He's our only hope
STAN: Yeah, well that's not saying much
XEV: We need to use your phone system to contact a robot head on our ship in space
MORT: Yes. I mean, no - you can't use the phone system here. All calls in and out of Rimsore are surely being monitored
STAN: OK, OK, er - look, 790 picks up all kinds of signals, right? So we'll just get a squawker. Just about anything will do
MORT: I'll offer you a small trade. I'll assist you with your communication., if you tell me everything you know about Kai's living death state. I am very professionally curious, as you can imagine
XEV: Fine. Let's get to work
(Police cars drive past the funeral parlor. Mort attaches a cable to a satellite dish outside a window, then gives the other end to Xev and Stan to attach to a radio transmitter)
MORT: But I don't understand. Does protoblood reanimate just specially converted dead flesh, like Kai's, or all types of dead flesh?
STAN: Look, I don't know. All that protoblood stuff was done in secret on the Cluster. Why don't you ask Kai, maybe he knows
MORT: There - we're connected
XEV: 790? 790, this is Xev. Can you hear me? Come in
(But there's no answer)
XEV: 790? Are you there? This is Xev, come in. Answer me, robot head
790: I'm here. Where's Kai?
XEV: Oh, it's really you. Listen, things went horribly wrong in Prime Ridge, you have to help us
790: I don't have to do anything - except get icky licky sticky with my long gone daddy
XEV: We're being chased by the police forces and they're closing in. They're gonna kill us!
790: Sounds good so far
XEV: But they'll get Kai too. He's almost out of protoblood, he's helpless
790: Oh horror! Put Kai on to confirm your story and command me to assist you
XEV: He can't, he's out of it
790: Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. Maybe he's there, maybe he's not. Maybe you're a lying bitch - certainly you are
STAN: 790, she's telling the truth. Now look, you gotta help us right away or it's over for all of us, including Kai, forever - got it?
790: I don't trust you, security guard. Until I talk to the dreamboat of death, you can lap my uplink
(790 disconnects. Stan gets cross)
STAN: I hate him! I hate him! I hate him!
XEV: Yeah, but I guess we have to do what he says, we have to thaw Kai out enough so that he can talk to 790
(They all go back down to the basement)
STAN: So let me get this straight - you pump the preservative fluid into the dead people, but you're not trying to bring them back to life or anything, you're just trying to do it for show?
MORT: It's for the family, so that they can mourn
STAN: What's to mourn about a sack of pickled flesh?
MORT: Oh no
MORT: I have a viewing in a half an hour. I'll need your help now
XEV: But Kai -
MORT: Will have to wait. We'll thaw him later
STAN: But what about - what's a viewing? We - hey -
(Stan and Xev follow Mort upstairs. He changes into a suit, and gives them black robes to put on over their costumes)
STAN: You know, I don't get it. Why don't they just fire them off into a protein bank like we did at the Cluster?
XEV: I don't know
(Mort offers them a plate of food)
MORT: I have been such a poor host. You must be starving
STAN: Hell, yeah
(He grabs some food)
MORT: May I offer you some nice sausage?
(Mort goes to cut some sausage - and cuts Xev's finger instead)
MORT: I am so sorry, sorry, let me clean that for you
(Mort carefully wipes the blood off - and puts it into a small container. Then cars arrive outside)
MORT: That must be the family. I must return to the mortuary and attend to the dead one. Can I leave you to attend the family?
STAN: What exactly do we do?
MORT: Very little. You have to offer them comfort, answer any questions they have, and that's all (takes Stan's hat off) I mean, they'll hardly notice you. They'll mainly be gathered around the casket doing the whole boo hoo hoo thing
STAN: The what?
MORT: Expressing their grief
(Mort goes downstairs. Xev opens the door. In come two men and a woman, crying)
STAN: Hey folks, come on in. The old lady's laid out over there in the box. She's all drained and preserved, just the way you wanted. Just come on over and do your boo hoo hoo thing to your heart's content
(Stan and Xev lean on the end of the coffin - the top half is open, so they can see the woman inside)
STAN: So how old was she when she finally blasted off? Looks like about a hundred standard years to me - you know, that's a nice long run. You must have a lot of memories invested in the old skin sack
XEV: Stanley, that's no way to talk!
XEV: You must excuse him. Did she have a happy life?
(The grieving woman nods, and cries)
XEV: She must have had a lot, a lot, a lot of sex then. The happiest people are the ones who get to do it all the time, right?
(Downstairs, Mort is checking Xev's blood under a microscope)
MORT: A positive, A positive, please be A positive - no, no no!
(He knocks equipment to the floor in frustration)
MORT: Still - all is not lost
(He sticks a big needle into Kai. Upstairs, the viewing is going from bad to worse)
XEV: Did she have a husband who satisfied her regularly, or did she have to do it with anyone who came along? I mean, that's fun too, right? What was her favourite position?
STAN: Would you like some sausages? They're fresh
(This doesn't seem to console the poor woman, who wails)
(Mort squirts some protoblood onto an eyeball in a dish. The eyeball starts to move around)
MORT: Yes, yes!
(He goes back to Kai to get some more - then Xev grabs him)
MORT: Please, I only need a little!
XEV: He's only got a little
MORT: But you don't understand, it's my only chance for Deedee!
XEV: Who's Deedee?
MORT: The only woman I've ever loved
(Xev lets go of him)
XEV: I thought you loved me, the way you keep staring at my breasts
MORT: I did love your breasts, but they're wrong, all wrong
XEV: Wrong, how so?
MORT: No, they're perfect, but they're incompatible with Deedee's blood type - in fact, I couldn't determine your blood type at all
XEV: That's because it's part Cluster lizard. Where's Deedee?
MORT: I'll show you
(They go into the freezer - Xev with a blanket wrapped around her)
MORT: Close the door. This is Deedee. Isn't she beautiful?
(He uncovers a body - well, most of a body - minus breasts, some skin, etc.)
XEV: This - she is your girlfriend?
MORT: Not officially. I never declared my love for her in life. Deedee loved everybody, but nobody loved her back - even though she had an open legs policy towards every guy in town - except me. She hated my guts like everybody else. Dirty Deedee they called her - but I never stopped dreaming about her. And then one day six years ago I decided I simply had to tell her what was in my heart, no matter what the consequences. I went to the farm where she lived. I walked round back and there she was - a vision of loveliness. I almost chickened out again, but I couldn't. This was the moment of truth
(As he speaks, there are flashbacks - Deedee lying in a field of long grass, listening to music on headphones - a tractor coming closer - Mort yelling - Deedee screaming)
MORT: Deedee's body was sliced to pieces, but there was one blessing among the carnage
(In the flashback, he holds up her head)
MORT: My beloved's head was still in one piece. Hope was alive, alive. Acting fast, I threw her head into a cooler until I could return home and pack it in dry ice. Since then I have been carefully rebuilding her to even better than she was before. I have been secretly culling the finest body parts from corpses over the years, and that's where you would come in
XEV: You wanted my breasts for Deedee?!
MORT: Yes! Flawless breasts were one of the last parts Deedee needed, and your perfect orbs would have been ideal, but they were the wrong blood type
XEV: I don't think you're well. And even if she were to come back alive right now, do you think she'd like you better than before?
MORT: I love her more than life, beyond death, and when my reanimation finally succeeds, I know that she will come to realise the same for me
KAI: Maybe, maybe not. The dead are messed up
(Kai is standing by the freezer door. Xev goes to him)
XEV: Are you OK?
XEV: Mort was trying to steal your protoblood and cut off my breasts for his - creature
MORT: She is not a creature! She is my soul. And your blood is my only hope
KAI: Then you can have it
XEV: No, Kai
KAI: Take all you want
(Later. Mort has put a wedding dress on Deedee, and is putting her tights on. Kai is on the trolley next to hers)
XEV: Kai, you're making a big mistake, you don't have any protoblood to spare
KAI: He does not require much, and expired protoblood is of no use to me
MORT: Your generosity is overwhelming
XEV: Mort, if you stop this right now, I'll let you have a go with me. It's the offer of your lifetime
MORT: Your generosity is also overwhelming, but I cannot cheat on Deedee
KAI: And I cannot guarantee the results of the transfusion. My flesh is decarbonised, hers is not. Anything could happen - or nothing at all
MORT: I'll take my chances
(Stan comes downstairs - then sees Mort with the needle)
STAN: Hey Mort, you got any more of those sausages, they were really - whoa! What's all this? What the hell is that?
XEV: Stan - Deedee. Mort wants to bring her back to life
STAN: Well, I always knew you were a bit off, but -
XEV: And he's using Kai's protoblood to do it
STAN: Oh no no no no, forget that
(Mort sticks the needle into Kai)
RADIO: This just in - after shooting three innocent people in a case of mistaken identity this morning, the manhunt leader FBI Special Agent Moss was quoted as saying "A tough break for them, but that's the price we pay for law and order". It seems the fugitives are still at large.
XEV: OK. Kai's awake and we have to contact 790 again
MORT: No pain?
KAI: Not in the last 6000 years
STAN: OK, that's enough pal
(He pulls Mort away from Kai. Mort injects the protoblood into Deedee)
MORT: Come back to me my love - come back to me
(Festus Trout is sneaking around outside the building. He watches Xev get the transmitter, then he climbs in through the window and aims his gun at her)
TROUT: Gotcha! Hold it right there. Who are ya?
XEV: I'm - Deedee
TROUT: Oh yeah? I knew a Deedee once. Where's Mort?
XEV: Not here. Can I help you?
TROUT: Yes you can. And you can start by putting down that radio
(Xev puts down the radio - and turns on the charm)
XEV: What seems to be the problem, officer?
TROUT: Oh, I dunno. I'd say that one problem is that I recently saw you dead in the mortuary. And another little problem - there's three fugitives on the loose and one of them exactly matches your description. And a third problem - your problem - you're under arrest
XEV: But I'm not a criminal! I'm just a girl from another town, who almost died until Mr Mort revived me. He was about to start embalming me when he saw that I was still alive (smiles sweetly) TROUT: Uh huh. And how did he revive you?
XEV: With protoblood - but he didn't revive all of me
(She moves closer to him)
XEV: I bet you could
TROUT: What are you getting at?
XEV: You see, as I felt the life going out of me, I wanted to cry, because I knew I'd never again get the chance to clamp myself onto a strong male body. I thought about the thrill of hot sex, hot sex, and more hot sex for hours and hours and days until I ached for one last stroke, one last lick, one last blast. The final words I remember coming out of my full luscious mouth before everything went dark were "I need a man" (pretends to cry) TROUT: That's quite the story
XEV: Want to give it a happy ending?
TROUT: Why, I -
(Xev wraps her hand around the barrel of his gun)
XEV: Please. You're so big, and handsome, and big - and I need someone to protect me from those awful fugitives
TROUT: Well, I think the thing to do is to find them, ma'am, now that's my job
(He puts his gun away)
TROUT: I'd love to stay, I truly would, but I can't fornicate - er, fraternise, on duty but I'll be, I'll be back as soon as my shift is over. You can count on that. Deedee - I'll have you walking bowlegged
XEV: I can't wait (waves) TROUT: Me neither
(He climbs out the window, goes back to his car, and gets on the radio)
TROUT: No, I want to speak to the FBI officer in charge of the case. No, you heard me - good!
(Xev takes the transmitter downstairs. Deedee is still dead)
MORT: But I don't understand, the transfusion is complete. Deedee. Deedee!
XEV: Kai, what state are you in?
KAI: Right now I am fluly alert
XEV: OK, good, 'cause you have to tell 790 to help us, otherwise he won't listen
KAI: I do will that for you Xev
(Stan sets up the transmitter)
XEV: 790? 790, this is Xev, come in
KAI: He will listen to me
XEV: 790, stand by for Kai
790: I'm here. Boy, your voice is grating. What do you want?
XEV: Kai, talk to 790, please. Kai -
(Kai passes out)
(Trout is on his radio, trying to make a deal with the FBI)
TROUT: Now, following good but tough police methods I nave managed to locate the Prime Ridge fugitives. Well of course I'll hand them over to you - if I receive the correct credit for the collar
(Downstairs, Mort is checking on Kai)
MORT: I think he warmed up too much
XEV: We can get him back in the freezer, right?
(They wheel Kai back inside the freezer)
TROUT: You know, I was reading about you FBI state police in the newspaper, doing this an that, well you heard me - you fat cat, know nothing, city slicker. I'm the hero on this one, I want to be recognised for it. I want approved press pieces, I want to check the photographs, everything. It's my time now see, Mr FBI, my glory. I'll give you one hour to consider my offer, then I'll get back to you, I want your answer on the table. Understand? Good
(Stan, Xev and Mort are sitting watching Deedee's body. Stan puts his feet up on the trolley)
STAN: I don't think it's gonna work, Mort
MORT: It must work. It has to
STAN: Whatever. Look - I gotta get some sleep
XEV: Me too
MORT: Of course. You're right. It's time to pack it in. Pack her back in the freezer
(Later that night, in the freezer. Deedee suddenly sits up, mumbling. Kai gets up and looks at her)
KAI: Hello Deedee. Welcome back to life - in a sense
DEEDEE: Na na noo?
KAI: Mort will be pleased to see that my protoblood has been able to reanimate you
(Kai wheels her trolley out of the freezer. Deedee catches sight of her reflection in a mirror)
DEEDEE: No. Grr - yuck
KAI: Many would agree with you, but Mort does not. He loves you
DEEDEE:(looks at chest) No t - t - t -?
KAI: Mort had his eye on a pair (he slumps over the trolley) but they were the wrong blood type
(Next morning. Mort goes down into the basement, and sees Deedee on the trolley. He falls to his knees)
MORT: Deedee? Deedee! My Deedee. When I think of all the times I watched you, looked at you, touched you - and now to have you alive, all of you, you're - oh, Deedee. You're everything I hoped for, dreamed of -
(Deedee wraps her legs around him, starts kissing him)
MORT: Oh, here I am. I'm yours, your creator, your Mort
DEEDEE: Mort. Mort? - got Mort germs, got Mort germs!
MORT: Deedee? I saved you. Please Deedee, no -
(Deedee starts strangling him)
KAI: Love is cruel, Mort
(Stan and Xev arrive in the basement. Deedee leaves Mort, and walks towards them)
DEEDEE: Kill. Kill
STAN: Kai, do something!
DEEDEE: Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill
(Mort sprays Deedee with a fire extinguisher, freezing her)
STAN: We gotta get Kai back in the freezer
STAN: I think she needs more work Mort
MORT: This was just the first date
(Stan and Xev put Kai in the freezer. Mort takes Deedee)
MORT: Oh no! I have another viewing in an hour
STAN: Another one?
(This time the deceased is a young girl. Stan is putting flowers by the coffin, when he sees Mort heading for the door. Stan takes his hat off, puts it in his pocket)
STAN: Going somewhere?
MORT: They're not perfect, but they're better than nothing, and at least they're the right blood type, so - I culled her breasts. But now I have to go out for more glue before they can be attached to Deedee
STAN: Aww, yuck!
(Mort leaves - then Trout sneaks in, and aims his gun at Stan)
TROUT: You're busted, pal
STAN: Oh, me? No no, see - I'm a relative of the dead guy, the dead girl here, and it's really awful about what happened and so, er, I'm just here to do the boo hoo hoo thing before we fire the poor young thing into the protein bank - into the ground
TROUT: Is that so?
STAN: Yeah, yeah, that's about it. So look, I'll be right back, OK?
TROUT: Stay right there
STAN: Yeah, right here, yeah
(Then Xev arrives)
XEV: I've been waiting for you
STAN: For him? Who is he?
XEV: A police officer. Who either wants to turn us in, or else become the happiest man in the universe - right?
(She snuggles up to him)
XEV: You know, I was raised a love slave, and I can please you in a way that only a love slave can
STAN: Oh yeah, I'd definitely go for the love slave treatment
XEV: I'm the best you'll ever have, officer. And all you have to do is let us slip out of town - after we slip out of each other
STAN: And love slaves are really good
TROUT: You know this town is crawling with cops. There's choppers in the air, and dogs in the wood, and FBI men on every corner. You take one step out of here and you're busted
(Xev is all over him - rubbing his shoulders, his chest)
TROUT: But I guess I got a little time to kill before I have to make a phone call, and it don't matter much whether I spend it talking to you two here, or whether I spend it alone with the young lady. So you - you go get your clothes off
XEV: I'm right there
(Some people arrive at the door)
TROUT: Who's that?
STAN: There's a viewing - it's the family
XEV: Yeah, it's the family
(She leads Trout away)
STAN: (mouths) What are you doing?
(Xev shrugs, and leaves. Stan lets in the mourners - mother, father, sister)
STAN: Hi folks. Please, come on in. How're you doing? Not so good, huh? well, that's understandable in the circumstances. Yeah, your family member's right over there. She's all there - mostly
(Xev leads Trout into the basement)
XEV: Wait. Close your eyes
(She takes his hat off, blindfolds him)
TROUT: You like playing games, huh?
XEV: Oh yeah
TROUT: Oh yeah. Oh you naughty girl. Hey, where are you?
(Xev opens the door of the freezer - and out comes Deedee)
XEV: Over here, deputy
TROUT: I got less than an hour, remember?
DEEDEE: It won't take that long
(She pushes him onto a trolley, gets up on top of him)
TROUT: Baby baby, you give me chills all over. Oh yeah. Oh yeah!
(Xev heads back upstairs, where Stan is trying to comfort the young girl)
STAN: Are you twins? Oh yeah, twins. Well, that's great. Were you mistaken for each other a lot, you know, people thinking that she was you, you were her, you know, that sort of thing? Maybe you forgot yourself sometimes, huh? (laughs) What about boyfriends, did you sometimes date her boyfriends, as sort of a joke? Maybe not as a joke
(Xev puts her hand on Stan's shoulder)
STAN: Where's the guy with the gun?
XEV: With Deedee
STAN: With Deedee - oh
(Xev looks out the window - there are police cars outside)
(Downstairs, things are coming to a climax)
DEEDEE: You're hot, you're hot, you're hot
TROUT: I am done. And now that I am done, I'm gonna turn you in anyway. I'm gonna claim my celebrity
DEEDEE: More, more, I want more
TROUT: I'm sorry, I'm only good for one. I gotta go get famous
(Mort comes downstairs, turns on the light - and Trout sees Deedee)
TROUT: Deedee? Deedee Figelshwick? You're - she's dead. What the hell is going on here? This is sick!
(He gets out his gun)
TROUT: Mort, you rotten piece of work - what exactly have you got going on here?
MORT: Deedee's mine. What are you doing with her?
TROUT: Well, what does it look like? My pants are down, she's spread across the table, like she always was. What the hell is this? Deedee died
MORT: She's still dead
TROUT: Well, that explains why she was so cold at least. Look, I'm having a busy day. You two stay right here. I'm gonna catch me a couple of fugitives, I'll be right back to take care of you two
(Trout backs away - then sees the eyeball moving around on the table)
TROUT: Stop in the name of the law or I'll shoot!
(The eyeball looks at him)
(Meanwhile, at the viewing - )
STAN: And you know, maybe, er, when you get over all this, you know, maybe you and I could -
(The mother takes the girl away. The father glares at Stan)
STAN: Bad timing, huh?
(The eyeball hops up the stairs)
STAN: You know, sometimes I, I see a pretty girl, you know, and I just go a little bit crazy, I'm sorry. It's just that, you know, your daughter here, not the dead one that is, she just -
(Stan watches as the eyeball hops into the coffin, wriggles under the dead girl's hair)
STAN: She seems to have an eye for me
(The girl's sister slaps him. The mother slaps him. The father punches him, and they leave. Stan looks at the eyeball)
STAN: I suppose you wanna hit me too
(The eyeball bounces off his shoulder and onto the floor. Trout arrives, and shoots it. Deedee staggers in and stands in front of him, stroking her chest)
DEEDEE: Wanna ride my pony?
(And then she recognises him)
DEEDEE: Festus Trout! You agreed to meet me. Meet me in the field!
(She holds her arms out to strangle him)
TROUT: This is nuts. Now you stay away from me. I gotta go get famous
(Stan looks on in horror as Trout shoots Deedee five times - and then Mort plunges an embalming needle into his back)
MORT: She's mine
(He goes to Deedee. Xev arrives with Kai)
XEV: Stan - quick, the radio
(Stan helps her set up the radio)
XEV: 790? 790, come in
790: Oh, it's you again
XEV: Quick, Kai - tell him to do what we ask for
KAI: 790 - do whatever Stan and Xev ask
790: You melt me with that raspy tone. How are you my love? I've missed you
XEV: Enough of that! We're in Rimsore, Ohio, and we're surrounded by the police. You have to get them away from us so that we can escape
790: Is that all?
(790 broadcasts a message on the police radios)
790: All units, all units. The suspects have left Rimsore vicinity on a stolen tractor mower and are proceeding north by north-west toward Tendercheeks county. Standby for the latest co-ordinates
(Later. Everyone is in the basement. Kai has collapsed on the stairs. Mort is looking at Deedee, who is lying on her trolley)
RADIO: In Rimsore, the excitement's over with. We hear the crooks are on the move, and so are the cops. They've moved out lock stock and barrel and are heading up north
(Stan breathes a sigh of relief. Xev switches off the radio)
XEV: Mort - do you have a car we could use?
MORT: Yes - there's a black hearse out back, the keys are in it. Take it - I won't need it anymore
STAN: Thanks Mort - and look, sorry for your, your loss
XEV: Yeah, me too
MORT: Thank you. You'd better go
(They leave. Mort rests his head on Deedee's chest - and her eyes open)
MORT: Deedee! You live! Oh Deedee, I'm so sorry for everything that I put you through. Please don't hate me. I love you
MORT: Deedee - it's the protoblood that's keeping you alive, even with all the bullet holes, but they say that it won't last for long, so I'm gonna put you back in the freezer and only bring you out when I really feel like loving you
(Deedee sits up)
DEEDEE: More... protoblood. More...
(She makes him lie down on the trolley, gets on top of him, and puts her hands around his neck)
DEEDEE: I kill you in the name of His Divine Shadow. Kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill
(She strangles him, and them slumps down dead on top of him)
(Xev, Stan and Kai drive away in the hearse)
STAN: Well, here we are Xev. Different car, same problem
XEV: We'll get through it Stan - somehow
STAN: Or not
KAI: Or not