(Fire. Xev is walking in the desert. Stan and Kai are looking for her in a moth)
(On the Lexx, 790 wheels around the bridge, singing to himself)
790: 79 kisses from Kai on the head
79 kisses from Kai
One more kiss from the man who is dead -
That's 80 cold kisses from Kai on the head!
80 cold kisses from Kai on the head
80 cold kisses from Kai
One more kiss from the man who is dead -
That's 81 kisses from Kai on the head!
(The moth flies over the sand)
(Elsewhere, Xev is at the top of a dune. She starts down it, stumbles, carries on)
STAN: You know, these really are two strange planets
(Kai looks at him)
STAN: I mean, you know, we recognise people that we know lived thousands of years ago, like Bunny, and Fifi, and others. I mean - they died! And we see them here, and they're alive, like we're alive
KAI: Perhaps they just look the same
STAN: Exactly the same? With exactly the same personalities? Hey - you think we're in some kind of afterlife?
KAI: What do you mean, Stanley?
STAN: I mean, a place you go when you die. I mean, how do we know that we're not dead? I mean, OK, you've been dead for, what, 6000 years, but how do we know I'm not dead?
KAI: You are alive, Stanley - from my perspective, anyway
(Xev arrives at the foot of Girltown - a huge square city perched on two legs, with two metal spheres below. She looks around)
(High above, balloons circle the city. In a room inside, some rather camp men are chained to rows of sewing machines. These are the "girls" of Girltown. One girl - Doily - looks back at another - Pearl - who blows him a kiss. Doily gets out a dress and hands it to the girl behind him to pass to Pearl. Then a guard appears - female, butch, and leather-clad. She pulls on a chain, which in turn pulls the hands of all the girls up in the air. The dress falls to the ground, and the guard points at it)
GUARD1: What's this?
(Guard1 unchains Pearl. Another guard, just like the first, holds up the dress)
GUARD2: Oh - pretty pretty
(She drops it, grabs Pearl)
PEARL: It's not mine
(The guards drag Pearl across the room. Doily reaches out to him)
GUARD1: Stop crying!
PEARL: Doily! I didn't do anything, please don't, no!
(The guards open a hatch in the wall. They hold Pearl over it, looking at the desert below)
PEARL: Wait - look!
(He points down - at the moth)
GUARD2: Sharp eyes there, Pearl
PEARL: You're welcome
(He starts to back away, thinking he's escaped - but the guards grab him)
GUARD1: Thanks Pearl
(They throw him out of the hatch. He falls, and bounces off one of the spheres, leaving a bloody stain. The guards turn to look at the other girls, slap their truncheons against their palms)
GUARD1: Back to work, girls
GUARD2: And remember - we make hot air balloons here, not fancy dresses
(The moth has flown on past the tower)
STAN: Seeing that you're dead, and you weren't here - well, I mean, you know, until we arrived here - how could this be an afterlife?
KAI: Perhaps the part of me that is alive is here, somewhere
STAN: What, you mean now?
KAI: Yes, now
STAN: OK, well, I hope you get to meet him - or it
(Xev clambers up onto a ledge, and cautiously walks inside the tower)
STAN: You think we're ever gonna find her? I don't know how anybody could survive down there
(Kai suddenly steers the moth sharply to one side)
STAN: What'd you do that for?
(There are footprints in the sand. The moth lands near them. Stan and Kai get out)
STAN: Those are definitely her footprints, am I right?
KAI: Yes, they appear to be hers. Are you coming, Stanley?
KAI: Up there
STAN: Well look, you're much better at that than me, so, er, why don't you go up first and check it out. I'll stay down here, watch the moth, and I'll keep an eye out for Xev in case she spots us down here
KAI: It's hotter down here than it is up there
STAN: That's OK, I don't mind, really. If it gets so I can't stand it down here I'll just take the moth and fly around for a little while
(Kai fires his brace up at the tower, and pulls himself up. Then something in the distance catches Stan's eye - a body? He walks over for a closer look)
(Meanwhile, Xev is walking up a long flight of stairs)
(Stan reaches the body - a hand is sticking up out of the sand. He's too busy poking at it to notice the balloon behind him)
STAN: You OK, buddy? (touches the hand) Guess not
(Someone grabs him from behind)
VOICE: Welcome to Girltown
(In a room in Girltown, someone increases a flame beneath a huge bathtub, which looks like something out of Aliens. A woman is having a bath, but all that's visible above the water is her head. She has a huge black metal crown/frilled collar on her head. This is Queen, and she looks familiar)
QUEEN: That's just warm enough
(Curtains at one end of the room are pulled back - to reveal Stan. He is in a corner, trapped behind a metal grill. His uniform is pulled down to his waist. Queen wiggles her tongue at him. He recognises her instantly)
STAN: Giggerota. You're alive
QUEEN: Who's Giggerota?
STAN: You. You're Giggerota, were Giggerota. I don't know anymore
QUEEN: We are Queen. Queen of Girltown. Are you - a girl?
STAN: Me? No no no no no. No
QUEEN: You look like a girl
STAN: No no, definitely not a girl. You're confused. I'm definitely not a girl
QUEEN: Hmm. Let's have a closer look
(A guard pulls Stan's uniform down around his ankles)
QUEEN: Creamy, dreamy drumsticks!
(Stan pulls his uniform back up)
QUEEN: Your soft sweetness belongs to - ?
STAN: Me? Stanley H Tweedle, captain of the Lexx
QUEEN: Captain of the who?
STAN: The Lexx. The big bug? Flies around in the sky? See, I came here with Kai - the dead guy in black? We're looking for Xev. A woman dressed in a Cluster lizard outfit. And you know, I really should get back to looking for her, if you don't mind
QUEEN: So, you're not from either Fire or Water?
STAN: No. No no no. Like I said, we're from the Lexx - see, we were - well, the Lexx came from the Light Universe and we were all there until it got destroyed, and then we came here to the Dark Zone, the other universe
QUEEN: (laughs) That's so good! Queen was hoping to hear that
QUEEN: Because all the bodies here are gone before bodies. This doesn't help Queen
(She moves through the water)
QUEEN: You're a first timer, aren't you Stanley captain? Say it, to Queen
STAN: Say what? I mean, I'm not a first timer, I'm experienced
QUEEN: (shouts) Say it to Queen, that you haven't died before!
STAN: What are you talking about? Of course I haven't died before. I'm Stanley H Tweedle, I'm a hundred percent alive
QUEEN: (laughs, sings) Pinky and rosy, Stanley captain, captain Stanley, pinky and rosy! (laughs) Queen is so happy!
STAN: (scared) She's mad
QUEEN: Drumsticks, drumsticks, drumsticks, drumsticks!
(She licks her lips)
STAN: Definitely mad
(Suddenly a woman emerges from under the water. She has a pair of pliers? - and a squeaky voice)
SQUEAK: Council time, your majesty
QUEEN: Boring, boring, boring, boring!
(She looks at Stan)
QUEEN: Don't you go anywhere
(She blows him a kiss)
(Xev walks along a corridor - and up more steps)
(Kai has reached the top of the metal spheres)
(In the council chamber, a load of tough looking women in leather overalls mutter amongst themselves. The woman with the squeaky voice arrives, gets into a curtained booth, and straps some mechanical device onto her arm. The butch women sit down on benches. In Queen's bath, some sort of microphone/camera pops up. Her face appears on a lens above the booth)
SQUEAK: Yes, your majesty
(She winks at Stan)
SQUEAK: Can I have a motion to adopt the agenda?
SQUEAK: Right. The first item on the agenda is -
WRENCH: Point of order, your majesty
QUEEN: You have the floor, Wrench
(A butch woman steps up to a microphone)
WRENCH: I would like to amend the agenda to talk about that girl
SOCKET: Point of order, your majesty
SOCKET: Wrench's point is a point of personal privilege, not a point of order
WRENCH: Your majesty, I withdraw my point of order - but we still have to discuss the girl
SQUEAK: The point of order is withdrawn
HAMMER: Point of personal privilege
HAMMER: Your majesty - this person may look like a girl, but they do not dress, nor do they behave, like a girl. And since it is quite obvious that they are not a boy, this person must therefore be a non-she
(All the council members gasp. Stan can hear all this in the bathroom)
WRENCH: Point of personal privilege, your majesty
WRENCH: Every boy of us in this room is aware of how dangerous the non-shes are. How do we know that this non-she who suddenly just appeared in the desert didn't come here to Girltown - to destroy us?!
QUEEN: (bored) The point, the point, the point, the point?
WRENCH: How do we know, your majesty, that this non-she is not Prince?!
HAMMER: Point of personal privilege, your majesty!
HAMMER: Your majesty, how do we know that Duke is not behind the sudden appearance of the non-she? How do we know that this is not yet another of Duke's plots to infringe upon the autonomy of every boy in Girltown?
QUEEN: Stanley captain - you said you knew Queen. You called Queen Giggerota, and wondered why Queen was alive
WRENCH: The non-she has lived before - and who but Prince can live and die and come back looking like someone else?
HAMMER: Duke can, your majesty
WRENCH: Duke can come back after death - but only as Duke!
HAMMER: True - but like Prince, Duke is also a non-she, and is even more capable of sending spies to sabotage us
SQUEAK: Is there a motion on the floor?
WRENCH: I would like to make a motion
WRENCH: Whereas the non-she Prince has the ability to change into other forms, and whereas a non-she appears out of nowhere who claims to have known our Queen in a past life, be it resolved that this non-she is in fact Prince, and therefore must receive the highest punishment possible - death!
HAMMER: I would like to amend the motion, your majesty
SQUEAK: Is the mover agreeable?
WRENCH: What is the proposed amendment?
(Wrench lets Hammer take the stand)
HAMMER: That unlike boys, who work together in a spirit of harmonious co-operation -
(She glares at Wrench)
HAMMER: - all non-shes are constantly fighting in a spirit of violent combative aggressiveness, and whereas Duke is continually trying to usurp and undermine Prince, be it further resolved that the non-she is in fact an agent of Duke, and therefore should receive the highest punishment possible - death!
ALL: Hear hear!
WRENCH: Point of order!
WRENCH: That is not an amendment your majesty, it is a second motion. We should vote on the earlier motion first, before considering another motion
SQUEAK: Are you proposing to amend the amendment?
WRENCH: I'm proposing plain and simple that this non-she must die because the non-she is Prince!
HAMMER: Your majesty, my amendment clearly states that the non-she must die, but not because the non-she is Prince, but because the non-she is Duke!
WRENCH: That is not an amendment
SOCKET: Point of personal privilege, your majesty
SOCKET: I would like to make an amendment to the amendment
SQUEAK: I really think we should deal with the first amendment first -
SOCKET: Whereas boys and non-shes have fundamentally separate agendas, and whereas this is a non-she, be it further resolved that this non-she must be following a non-boy agenda, and therefore should receive the highest punishment possible - death!
(Stan is getting worried)
SOCKET: So moved
SQUEAK: The amendment is on the floor
HAMMER: Point of order
HAMMER: I would like to withdraw my amendment, your majesty. Socket's amendment is agreeable to the amender
WRENCH: Point of order
WRENCH: I would also like to withdraw my motion as well, your majesty
QUEEN: Do we have a motion?
SQUEAK: We have an amendment to a withdrawn motion on the floor, your majesty
QUEEN: Well, can we vote on it?
SQUEAK: No, your majesty - unless, the second amender is agreeable to make the amendment take the form of a motion. Then we could have a new motion on the floor
SOCKET: So moved
QUEEN: In that case, call the question!
SQUEAK: All those in favour that the non-she has been following a non-boy agenda, and therefore should receive the highest possible punishment - death - signify by saying Aye
SQUEAK: The motion is carried
QUEEN: Councillors, Queen has no intention of interfering with your sentence, but would like to introduce a further motion - Queen simply has to have his body!
SQUEAK: All those in favour of her majesty's motion
SQUEAK: The motion is carried
(In the bathroom, Queen's microphone sinks back down out of sight. She smiles at Stan)
(The Lexx. 790 is still wheeling around the bridge, singing)
790: 789 kisses from Kai on the head
So many kisses from Kai
One more kiss from the man who is dead -
That's 790 kisses for robot head 790!
I can't go on! I can't, I can't, I can't! (sobs) I can't!
(Girltown. Kai is now walking across the top of the spheres)
(The bathroom. A small cage drops down from the ceiling)
STAN: What's that for?
(Guards attach two blades to the cage)
STAN: What're they doing? Look - I said I didn't do anything
(The guards test the blades - they snap together at the base of the cage. Stan is brought out from his corner)
STAN: Look, look guys, listen can we just talk this over, OK? I mean - let's have another meeting, OK?
(The cage is fastened around Stan's head. Queen floats forwards, whistles at him)
QUEEN: The things Queen is going to do with that body. You just give Queen the shivers
STAN: Yeah, well, I'm glad, you know, because - because Queen gives captain Stanley the shivers too. So, er - why doesn't Queen just let captain Stanley out of this thing and we can talk things over, hmm? together, in a way that pleasures us both, huh? If Queen knows what captain Stanley means
QUEEN: All Queen wants is your body - from the nape of your neck right down to your tippy tippy toes
(Stan looks sick)
(In the council chamber, the debating continues)
WRENCH: All I'm saying is that the term non-she may be derogatory to those boys who do not wish a negative prefix attached to their sex. It's a fundamental and typical violation of their autonomy
SOCKET: Yes, but non-shes in the context of this motion refers to those who are not boys. The negative prefix is attached to the non-shes, not the boy at all
WRENCH: That's not the point. Non is negative and is attached, therefore it attaches negativity to the word she, to which it is attached
SOCKET: Granted. But do you agree to the earlier motion?
WRENCH: Oh, throw that in my face!
HAMMER: Point of order
HAMMER: Can we please table this discussion and return to the amendment on the original motion?
SQUEAK: If the mover and seconder agree
WRENCH: I most emphatically do not agree! I for one will not sit idly back while we entrench this negative attachment to our collective identity into the minutes
SOCKET: Then what do you propose we substitute for the term non-she?
(Everyone gasps. They all stand up, shouting)
SOCKET: She used the M-word!
(Meanwhile, back in the bathroom - )
STAN: Look, you can have me, OK? Look, I'm willing to play whatever game you want. I mean, like I said, I'm experienced, I've done all kinds of things, kinky things even, kinky, in the tub, you know, just - name your game, I'll make you happy
QUEEN: Oh, Queen can never be happy
STAN: Oh, why?
QUEEN: Because life is difficult for Queen. Prince rules this planet. Duke wants to rule it. And will Queen ever get a chance? No, no. Because Queen is stuck here in this cesspool. And all we do on Girltown is make balloons
STAN: Well I'm sure that can't be any fun for you
QUEEN: And have council meetings, and more meetings, balloons, and more meetings, and amendments, and points of order and more meetings and points of order and balloons, and -
(She starts twirling around in the tub, singing to herself)
QUEEN: Round and round and round and round, up and down and touch the ground. Round and round and up and down, up and down and touch the ground
STAN: So, who do you make these balloons for?
QUEEN: Balloons. Everyone else. They, they make the balloons to attack the planet Water, and then each other. And Queen just stagnates. Do you understand?
STAN: No. No, not completely
QUEEN: (sad) There's no body for Queen. Now do you understand?
STAN: I don't know I wanna understand
QUEEN: Queen is desperate. Queen doesn't have much time
STAN: Well then leave, who's stopping you?
QUEEN: Queen desperately wants your body, captain drumstick
STAN: Hey, just call me Stanley
QUEEN: Drumsticks, drumsticks, drumsticks, drumsticks. Whatever Queen wants, Queen gets. And captain Stanley - her majesty wants you. This is what you have to give me. That's how it works
(Xev is walking up yet more steps. Kai fires his brace up to the hatch Pearl was thrown out of. He climbs into the sewing room. All the girls look at him)
DOILY: Hello there. Who are you?
KAI: I am Kai, last of the Brunnen G
DOILY: I'm Doily. Where do you come from?
KAI: From up there
DOILY: From Water?
KAI: No. I come from the Lexx. The big bug in the sky, which some believe to be a comet
(The Lexx. 790 wheels through a misty passageway)
790: I wish that I were not alive, I wish that I were dead
Maybe then the man in black would take the head to bed
(One of the girls is keeping watch. He waves to the others)
KAI: I am looking for a friend. Her name is Xev
DOILY: Is she from here?
KAI: No. Xev is a beautiful love slave. She is dressed in the skin of a lizard
(Doily looks at Kai)
DOILY: Are you for real?
KAI: I am - for real
DOILY: None of us know Xev
KAI: Well then, I will let you get back to your sewing
DOILY: No, wait Kai, please. You've got to help us. We're held here in this awful place against our will, forced into the worst kind of slavery. See, they keep us girls down here in the heat, while those inhuman beasts who live upstairs beat us, torture us, humiliate us, insult us, sometimes even worse - poor Pearl
(Kai looks at the chains they all wear)
DOILY: And all because we are the way we are - but we've done nothing wrong
KAI: Who does this to you?
(The guards come in)
DOILY: Them! Help us Kai, please!
(The girls' hands are pulled up in the air again. Kai stands in front of a guard)
KAI: I am looking for a woman named Xev. She is not from here. Have you seen her?
GUARD: Just what do you think you are?
(She pushes him)
KAI: I am dead
GUARD: That's right, sweetie
(She hits his face with a truncheon - and his brace grabs her throat)
KAI: I suggest, that you reconsider your position
DOILY: Free us!
(Kai's brace cuts the chains on their hands)
KAI: Now might be a good moment to take advantage of the element of surprise
DOILY: Let's get 'em, girls!
(The girls grab the guards, and throw them out of the hatch - like Pearl, they leave bloodsatins on the spheres. They start pulling pretty frocks out of hiding places and putting them on. Kai gets a feather boa around his neck)
DOILY: Thank you, thank you, thank you!
GIRL1: We love you!
GIRL2: We knew some day a real man would come along and free us
DOILY: And today's the day!
KAI: I am not a real man. I am - a dead man
(Girl1 kisses him. Kai takes the boa off)
(Xev is still walking. She is now up by the spheres)
(In the bathroom, Queen's mood has changed from sad to playful)
QUEEN: Captain drumsticks! The proper way to address your queen is to say "Your majesty, I am your loyal subject, and will gladly give you everything that I can"
STAN: Your majesty I am your loyal subject and I will happily give you anything I can, now look, Queen, or Giggerota, or whoever you are, why don't you just get out of that tub and - let me out of here
QUEEN: Be careful what you wish for, or you will get what you want. Have you ever had a girlfriend?
STAN: Girlfriends? Yeah, yeah, I've had lots
QUEEN: Did you ever share your body with these girlfriends?
STAN: Well, yeah
QUEEN: (laughs) Queen wants you to share your body with her
STAN: What do you want to do with my body?
QUEEN: Queen wants to put her head onto it
STAN: Where do you wanna put your head on my body?
QUEEN: Queen wants to put her head onto the part that sticks out
(She licks her lips. Stan thinks things are looking up. Queen laughs)
(The council chamber - very little progress has been made)
HAMMER: I don't care, I'm leaving!
WRENCH: If you leave we lose quorum. Don't do this to us, Hammer. We've still got a lot left on the agenda
HAMMER: You said the M-word. Take your hand off me!
SOCKET: She's right Hammer. You can't leave
SOCKET: Unless we make a motion to adjourn
WRENCH: I would like to speak to the motion and make an amendment to it as well
SQUEAK: You can't debate a motion to adjourn
WRENCH: Point of personal privilege! I move we vote the motion to adjourn in special session
(In the sewing room, a party is underway. Girls are dancing to Freedom is Come. Kai looks on - clearly, the dead do not go to gay clubs)
DOILY: The boys up there hate us. They've always hated us, keeping us down here in the filth and the heat - well, it's just not fair
KAI: It does not seem fair
DOILY: But there's nothing that we can do, we just have to suffer because we are different
KAI: You do not have to suffer anymore. You are free. You can go
KAI: Wherever you want
(Doily leads Kai away from the noise)
DOILY: But there's nowhere else to go. We're not like the others here on Fire. We don't want to kill people and take over their cities, we're not that type
KAI: I just came from a place called Garden. Garden is a beautiful garden, and it is empty now. You could live there
DOILY: What is a garden?
KAI: A place of beautiful flowers, with food that is good to eat growing all around
DOILY: The water planet. Did you hear that, girls? A place of our own. Garden - a place of beautiful flowers, and plants that are good to eat grow all around - but how would we get there?
KAI: Didn't you say, that you make balloons here?
DOILY: But how would we find it, this garden, full of beautiful flowers and blossoms?
KAI: I will show you, after I find Xev. I believe she is somewhere in this town
DOILY: We will help you find her
(In the bathroom, Queen is singing again)
QUEEN: Pinky and rosy, captain Stanley, Stanley captain, pinky and rosy (laughs) Pinky and rosy, Stanley captain! Queen is boiling over. I can hardly wait!
(Queen laughs. Her bath water bubbles)
(Kai is walking along a passage, with Doily and two other girls following him. Kai now has feathers in his hair)
DOILY: So have you seen that all the cities here on Fire follow a certain pattern?
(Kai tries to evade Girl3 by heading behind a pillar, but it doesn't work)
DOILY: They are each populated by one type or other of horrible vicious evil people
KAI: I have observed that
DOILY: So explain us! How do we fit in? Are we horrible and vicious? It's just some kind of awful mistake, Kai
GIRL3: We don't belong here, it's so awful
DOILY: What have we done wrong? We don't belong on this planet
(Kai walks off down another passage)
GIRL4: We belong on Water
DOILY: But the boys - they really do belong here!
(The girls head after Kai)
(The council chamber)
HAMMER: Call the question
SQUEAK: Is that on the motion to go in special session, or the motion to adjourn?
WRENCH: I believe my motion is on the floor - read the bye-laws
HAMMER: Call the question!
SQUEAK: All those in favour of the motion to -
(The doors of the council chamber open. Kai and the girls enter. Doily strokes Hammer's face, then licks his finger. The councillors back away, and their guards step forward)
KAI: We are looking for a woman named Xev
SQUEAK: Non-she... you are -
KAI: By non-she, do you mean - a man?
(In the bathroom, Stan is pulling at the cage, to no avail)
QUEEN: Queen is going to get to know every inch of you. Queen is going to feel so good. Queen wants your body. Queen will take your body, now!
(Queen laughs, and her head rises out of the water. She has no body - just a head on some sort of metal arm)
STAN: Help me, somebody! Help me Kai!
(Kai and the girls hear him, and rush to the rescue. Kai fires his brace, cutting the chain on the cage)
KAI: Stanley may not be ready to part with it yet
(Stan drops to the ground, just as the blades snap shut above him)
STAN: Oh, thank you Kai
(Queen hisses. Doily goes to the bathtub, and turns up the heat)
DOILY: This is for Pearl
(The water boils. Queen sinks into it, screaming. Doily grabs a guard)
DOILY: We're leaving this place forever. We're going to a garden on the planet Water, without you. And we're never coming back
(Girl4 tries to kiss Stan. He turns and sees Xev, who's finally made it up to the top. She just smiles, and leaves him to fend off the girl)
(The moth flies toward the Lexx, followed by balloons full of girls)
790: Yes, black man of death, separated from his blue robot head?
KAI: We are returning to the Lexx
790: Joy, joy, and joy times joy! My man is coming home!
(Stan looks out of the moth at the balloons)
STAN: Yeah. I think they deserve it
STAN: Well, to be on Garden City, on Water, instead of Girltown. Yeah, I think they'll be happy there
(In one of the balloons)
DOILY: I think he looks just so gorgeous in black
(The Lexx.The balloons are visible on the view screen)
790: There's a little snack for you, Lexx
LEXX: Tasty snack
(The girls scream, as the balloons are sucked into the Lexx's mouth - as is the moth)
STAN: Lexx! Lexx! Lexx!
(The moth flips over. Stan and Kai fall out)
(The key leaves Stan, and flies to Xev's outstretched hand. She tries to get the moth back under control)
STAN: Kai! You gotta save me!
KAI: I'm sorry Stanley, but I cannot
STAN: What do you mean, you can't?!
KAI: I do not float
(Stan and Kai plummet down to Water)