(The Lexx is in orbit around the moon. Stan, Kai and 790 are on the bridge)
STAN: It's a Type 13 planet, it's in its final stages, it's infected with some kind of alien - we are going to leave, now that we know. The question is - where do we go?
790: I suggest you go several paces to your left until you fall off the bridge to your death
STAN: What about you Kai, you got any constructive ideas? No - let me guess - the dead don't care where we go! (smiles) KAI: The dead don't care where you go
(And then First Lady Bunny appears on the view screen)
BUNNY: Hello? I'm looking for Stanley H Tweedle. Are you there? Hello?
(Bunny looks at someone off-screen - it's like she's following a script, trying to sound sexy)
BUNNY: I want you. I need you. In my arms, in my bed, right now. I made love to the wrong man in Newfoundland, and my hot body still aches for the real Stanley Tweedle. Please come to the White House and make sweet love to me
STAN: Well good, good Bunny, I'm glad we got that cleared up
(Bunny vanishes from the screen. Stan gets up on the pedestal)
STAN: OK, that's it - we're going back to Earth, pronto!
KAI: Are you sure you want to return to an alien infected Type 13 planet in its final stage?
STAN: Well look, every planet has its flaws - besides, I'm gonna get you to come with me for protection
790: Kai's not going anywhere. He has a date - on my face
KAI: I will accompany you if you wish, Stanley
XEV: I wanna come too
(Xev strides onto the bridge, looking a little bit cranky)
KAI: For what reason?
XEV: No reason, I just (growls) want to
(They take a moth to Earth, land near the White House, walk across the lawn)
STAN: All right, come on! I may not be the first into the First Lady, but I bet I'll be the best (laughs) XEV: I want to - take - a walk
(She wanders off, unsteadily. Kai watches her go)
KAI: Perhaps I should join you
STAN: Oh no no no, you promised to stick with me, remember? Hey Xev, you can take your walk later. Xev!
KAI: Xev is not well. I will go after her
STAN: No way, you -
KAI: I will return, Stanley. Enjoy your sexual encounter with the President's wife (he leaves) STAN: Yeah, I'll try!
(President Priest comes out of the Oval Office, hangs a 'Please do not disturb' sign on the door. Inside, Bunny is sitting on the desk removing her stocking, while Stan watches)
STAN: Oh, Bunny - are you trying to seduce me? 'Cause it's working. Matter of fact, you're causing quite a commotion in my pants (laughs)
(Bunny throws a stocking at him, and he sniffs it. She gets up and takes off her jacket)
BUNNY: Let's just get it over with
(She touches a book on a shelf - and the fireplace slides out, revealing a double bed. She gets onto the bed, starts tidying the pillows. Stan lies down on the other end of the bed)
STAN: Woo - hee! This is gonna be special
BUNNY: I'm only doing this because the President wishes me to
(She takes off her skirt. Stan smiles)
BUNNY: I love the President so badly it hurts. And I will do whatever the President wants
STAN: Wherever he wants?
BUNNY: Don't push it
(She smiles, but she's not very happy with the whole situation. She kneels on the bed, takes her top off - just wearing her pink undies)
STAN: Oh that's good, that's good - that's delightful! Oh, come to daddy! Oh, so - are you ready to -
(Stan spreads his legs, tries to look sexy)
STAN: - tussle with the muscle?
(Bunny undoes this uniform and lowers her head - )
( - and we cut to a shot of an angry guy in a suit, walking down a street, eating a wrap, talking on his mobile phone)
GUY: How? What? Who? Him, screw him! Nah, screw him. No, literally screw him - send someone over to his house to do it, pants down, the whole nine yards, and I want pictures. What? Who else? That guy, screw him too!
(He walks down an alley - past Xev, who is curled up with her arms around her legs. She does not look good. She snarls)
(Meanwhile, back at the White House - )
STAN: Oh, I'm wiggly, I'm all wiggly
(Bunny beats her fists against Stan's chest and gets up)
BUNNY: No no no no! It's not working for me
STAN: It's working fine on my end!
BUNNY: In bed with the President, I'm a raging tiger -
STAN: Oh, sounds good
BUNNY: - but with you, Stanley Tweedle - you do absolutely nothing for me, zero. With you, I'm - a dead cat
STAN: Oh, well, we'll just have to wake up that little pussy, idn't he gorgeous? Besides, you know your husband wants you to do this - you don't wanna make him mad, do you? No!
(Bunny shakes her head)
BUNNY: It really, really hurts to do this. But - I love him so much
(She stands up over Stan, gets remote control, turns the TV on)
STAN: What's going on?
BUNNY: I'm playing a sexy movie - it might help me get in the mood
(Stan looks up between her legs)
STAN: Well - whatever wakes up that cat
(He gets up, licks Bunny's arm. The movie plays. A sexy lady is getting a pizza delivery - with some wonderfully bad line delivery, too)
DICK: Your pizza ma'am
LOOLOO: Is it - hot?
DICK: Piping hot, ma'am
LOOLOO: I like it - hot. Is there extra sausage?
DICK: All the sausage you could ever want
LOOLOO: You are not kidding
(She pulls the guy indoors. Stan glances at the movie - and recognises the girl - it's Lyekka. He probably wouldn't recognise the guy as Jeff Hirschfield, voice of 790)
STAN: That's Lyekka!
STAN: Lyekka! She's a friend of mine, she was with us on the Lexx
(Stan loses all interest in Bunny, and goes to the TV, where LooLoo is pulling the delivery guy onto the bed)
DICK: That'll be 15.95
LOOLOO: I'll pay you after I have my slice
STAN: She was a plant. Well, first she was a dream about this girl that I knew, then she was a plant, and then she was killed, and then she was a dream again -
STAN: Well, it's a long story OK, but she - it's Lyekka! She's the only girl I ever felt special about in a real way
BUNNY: That's nice
STAN: And she felt special about me too, she told me so. I thought she was gone forever, but there she is
(Bunny joins him by the TV, looks at the video case. Stan does his uniform up)
STAN: I gotta find her - that guy she's with? All wrong. Where is that place?
BUNNY: I get these from Prince. It says here they come from Kennebunkport, Maine
(Stan takes the case)
STAN: Lyekka - I'm coming. Stan the man is gonna save you
(He plants a kiss on the screen, and leaves. Bunny watches the movie)
LOOLOO: Oh, look - it makes its own sauce
(Back in the alley, the angry man goes to his car, opens the door. Xev follows, rolls - and pounces. A guy in a nearby dumpster watches, and passes out)
(The moth flies to a large building near the sea - home of Huffertainment Adult Video Productions. Stan walks in, clutching his video. There's a security guard at reception)
STAN: I'm here to see Lyekka
(He taps on the picture of LooLoo, on the case. The guard moves to stand in front of the stage door)
GUARD: It's a closed set
STAN: Well that's OK, go ahead and open it, I'll wait
GUARD: A closed set means - no admittance
STAN: Oh no no, you don't understand, you see - I've gotta see her and she's gotta see me - we gotta see each other, it's just the way it is, so, you know, just go and -
(This clearly isn't working. Stan tries a different approach)
STAN: Hey, I'm a security guard too, right - well, at least I was, you know, so we're on the same team, huh? So what about cutting a break for a brother in the trade? Huh?
GUARD: Well, why didn't you say so?
(The guard punches him to the floor)
(Back in the alley, Prince has arrived. He pulls some bags of rubbish out of the way. Xev is curled up behind them, asleep. He blows on her face, and she opens her eyes)
PRINCE: Xev (touches her face) You're not looking very well
XEV: Well, I'm not feeling very well. I don't know how I got here
PRINCE: I'm so sorry to hear that
(He helps her to stand up)
XEV: How did you find me?
PRINCE: One of my many special talents
XEV: Right. What do you want this time?
PRINCE: Tell me Xev - how are you enjoying your stay on the Earth so far?
(They walk down a street. Xev is unsteady, so Prince supports her)
XEV: So far, I hate this planet. I don't know what made me decide to come back here. As soon as I find Kai and Stanley we are leaving
PRINCE: Oh, but there's still so much fun to be had, Xev. Why don't you wait until we've made a spectacular mess of this planet, and then we can all go off together on the Lexx
XEV: Sounds wonderful, but I'm ready to leave now
PRINCE: You don't know how much fun you'd be missing, Xev(laughs) Such suspicion. Come on - I won't bite you
XEV: I might bite you
(She walks off. Prince smiles)
(Back at Huffertainment, the guard has a hold of Stan, and is about to throw him out)
STAN: I gotta see Lyekka!
(Then through the stage door, he hears someone shout)
HUFF: I am haemorrhaging cash and I want that new fluffer in here now!
STAN: I'm the new fluffer!
STAN: Yeah, yeah! Best fluffer in the two universes, reporting for duty
(Stan nips through the door, locking it behind him so the guard can't follow)
(Xev and Prince are walking down a steep street)
PRINCE: What would you say if I told you I could take you to the one man on this planet that you would be most interested to meet
PRINCE: Kai, the living Kai
XEV: I'd say that you were a liar
(Prince walks in front of her)
PRINCE: But I'm not. You saw for yourself the legions of souls that were released from Fire and Water when those planets were destroyed. Most, if not all those spirits, came here! And the living Kai is of course among them. Perhaps a chance to meet with the living Kai, the real Kai, might persuade you to extend your stay with us a little longer, hmm?
XEV: If it were possible, and I really wanted to - maybe
(Prince stops walking in front of the stage door of a theatre - there's a poster advertising Henry V)
XEV: Forget it. I don't trust you. I don't trust anything you say. You're evil, and you're Prince, and I simply want nothing more to do with you
(She tries to move, but he blocks her way)
PRINCE: Xev, this is a brand new world. I really think you should consider giving yourself a little time to indulge in some of its attractions, before departing for the great unknown
XEV: Not interested! I'm off this planet as soon as possible - without you! Cheerie bye!
PRINCE: Very well. I will accept my little defeat (kisses her hand) with grace
(He waves, and walks away. Xev walks in the other direction - then comes back, and has a closer look at the poster - it's Kai. She opens the door and goes inside)
(On the set of the latest Huffertainment movie - Deep Space 69. LooLoo is on a bed, wearing a blue wig and chewing gum, while getting her directions from the cigar chewing Huff - better known to us as Lex Gigeroff)
HUFF: Now darling, when you see him come to the door, I'm looking for you to be a bit more demure, or stand-offish if you will. Ankles are gonna be up around your ears in a minute, so let's try and build some anticipation in the audience. Is that OK with you, kitten?
(She nods, and they kiss. Stan walks onto the set)
STAN: I'm here, here I am
(They get off the bed and look at him)
LOOLOO: What is that?
STAN: I'm your new fluffer - it's me!
HUFF: What's your name, son?
STAN: Ask her - she knows (waves) Hi Lyekka!
LOOLOO: Huff - is he talking to me?
STAN: I've been dreaming about you non-stop for 4000 years
LOOLOO: He is talking to me - make him stop!
(She snarls, and lies down on the bed)
STAN: Lyekka - hi Lyekka!
HUFF: You really our new fluffer?
STAN: Oh yeah! Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. Really
HUFF: Name's Hufferton. Barnabas K Hufferton. I am the proprietor of Huffertainment Enterprises
(He leads Stan off the set)
HUFF: You may of course know me from my political career but, you see me today as a man who has found his true calling. My friends, they call me Huff, and that my friend, you may do
(Huff holds out his hand - Stan figures out he's supposed to shake it. Huff looks at LooLoo, who blows him a kiss)
STAN: Oh yeah yeah, um - well I'm Captain Stanley H Tweedle. You can call me Stanley
HUFF: Well now, tell me Captain Stanley - how did you become a fluffer?
STAN: Er - practice, yeah. You know what, I'm the best there is and that's all there is to it
(Stan clearly has no idea what a fluffer is. On set, Dick the delivery guy checks the mattress. LooLoo hits him away)
STAN: Yeah you see - it can be unfluffy when I get it, but when it goes back out again its very fluffy - guaranteed
(Dick walks past, trying to learn his lines)
DICK: FIFteen ninety five. Fifteen NINEty five
HUFF: But how do you manage to be a fluffer, to earn a living, when the art of fluffery has always been exclusively a female domain?
STAN: Oh, well, that's just being closed minded. Yeah, you know, there's not a job anywhere a man like me can't do better than a woman, you know, well, except for actually being a woman - but even there, you know, I understand womens needs a lot better than a lot of women, because I think about women all the time
HUFF: I admire your spunk Stanley, I truly do. Coming from a man in my profession, that means a lot. So - down to business. Dick - where are you, stud? Dick Dongler is on his way to being number one in the adult entertainment business. He's provided onscreen enjoyment to more than a thousand fine ladies
STAN: Well, halfway caught up to being me then -
(LooLoo pulls her gum at him. Huff brings Dick over to join them)
HUFF: Dick, it would appear that our new fluffer has arrived in the form of this gentleman here. Now I was just advising him that you might prefer to have someone of the more feminine persuasion
(Dick takes off his sunglasses, looks Stan up and down)
DICK: S'OK. I don't mind
HUFF: I hereby dub you "Fluff Daddy"
(Meanwhile, Henry V is getting underway - never has there been a production quite like this one. The stage is set up like a catwalk, covered in sand, with a big black and white backdrop of Kai's face. The lights come on, and the girls seated along the edge of the stage start to cheer and clap, as does Xev. The living Kai swings down from the ceiling, hanging on a red sash. He is dressed like a sumo wrestler, and the background music is Japanese drums, etc. The lines are taken from Act 4, Scene 3)
LKAI: If we are marked to die, we are enough
To do our country loss; and if to live,
The fewer men, the greater share of honour!
For he that sheds his blood with me today
Shall be my brother!
(He swings upside down - has a red cross painted on his chest)
LKAI: Be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition:
And - gentlemen in England now abed,
Shall think themselves accursed, they were not here
(He lands on the stage)
LKAI: Hold their voices with shame, when any speak
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's Day!
(From one bizarre production, to another -)
HUFF: Deep Space 69, scene 18, take 9 - action!
(LooLoo, with blue hair and a silvery sci-fi outfit, opens the door, and in comes a pizza delivery guy - in a space suit, helmet and all)
DICK: Your pizza ma'am
LOOLOO: Is it radiated?
(Dick takes off his helmet)
DICK: Fully radiated ma'am
LOOLOO: I like it - full. Is there extra Mars meat?
DICK: All the Mars meat you could ever want
LOOLOO: You're not kidding
(She pulls him inside, onto the bed)
DICK: That'll be 59.95 - er - zingbots
LOOLOO: I'll pay you after I have my slice
(Stan and Huff are watching behind the camera)
HUFF: I love my work, Fluff Daddy. See, I was gifted in the political forum but I'm happy because here I come to work every day with a song in my heart - and a tingle in my trousers
(Stan laughs - then looks back at the bed)
STAN: Ah! Lyekka, she's, she's not, not smooth around the bend. She's - not even close
(The scene is not going well. LooLoo gets off the bed, pulls on a robe, pulls off her wig to reveal short blonde hair)
LOOLOO: You reek! Your skin smells like rotten fish. Your breath - have you been drinking from the toilet?
(She slaps Dick Dongler)
LOOLOO: Get away from me, garbage man!
(She storms off set)
HUFF: Two minutes, everyone (to Dick) Hose off - gargle!
STAN: Lyekka, you're not smooth around the bend, that's excellent, for both of us!
LOOLOO: Who is this idiot, and why does he keep trying to talk to me?
STAN: Oh, you're just teasing me, right Lyekka? Stan, Stan the man, Stan -
(He tries to touch her, but she shoves him away)
LOOLOO: Huff, have this guy clubbed!
(Huff leads Stan away to the curtained area Dick Dongler is using as a dressing room)
HUFF: Fluff Daddy - duty calls. Go, immerse yourself in your craft. Fluff like no fluffer has ever fluffed before
STAN: You bet I will
(Stan goes inside, coughs to get Dick's attention)
STAN: Dick Dongler, is it? (whispers) Look, I was kind of bluffing before when I said that I was the new guy. So just tell me, because this is my first time, OK - what exactly does a fluffer do?
DICK:(shrugs) Whatever it takes to get me camera ready
STAN: Oh. OK
(Stan looks outside through the curtain. Dick drops his robe)
DICK: I'm partial to wrist action
(Stan looks back at him - and is horrified)
HUFF: And then we're gonna come down here, we're gonna push in on you on the bed -
(Stan backs onto the set)
HUFF: Something wrong, Fluff Daddy?
STAN: Don't call me that! You want me to go in there and do that - with that guy?! No way!
HUFF: Did you not claim expertise in your chosen field, Fluff Daddy?
STAN: I said don't call me that! I was just pretending. That's it. Really I'm here on a mission from the First Lady of the White House herself
HUFF: The First Lady?
STAN: Yeah, yeah - I'm here to rescue Lyekka and to take her to safety and I intend to do just that
HUFF: (grins) How, Fluff Daddy?
STAN: Well, I'm just gonna go right here, I'm gonna take her, and, and don't you try to stop me, you, you - sick people!
(Stan takes hold of LooLoo - who doesn't want to go with him. Huff beckons to the guard, who pulls Stan away)
LOOLOO: Hurt him!
HUFF: Good luck on your next career, Fluff Daddy-o!
(Huff and LooLoo kiss. Stan is thrown out of the building. He sees a man in a phone box on the boardwalk. When the man comes out, Stan goes in, and picks up the receiver)
STAN: Hello, hello -
VOICE: Please hang up and try your call again
STAN: No, no, you don't understand. I've gotta talk to the President
VOICE: Please hang up and try your call again
(Stan hangs up and walks away, then rushes back when the phone rings)
PRINCE: Hello, Stanley
(Prince is calling from his office beneath the White House)
PRINCE: How are you, Stanley Tweedle?
STAN: Well I'm not good Prince. I'm in a bit of a bind, you gotta help me out. Look, I'm sorry about trying to kill you down there in Miami, you know, Orlando, wherever it was you were
PRINCE: It's nothing that I wouldn't have done myself. Now - how may I be of assistance?
STAN: Well look, look - I've found where Lyekka is, only they locked me out of the building that she's in, OK? Now look - it's called Huffertainment or something in Kennebunkport
PRINCE: Yes yes, I see, Huffertainment, right. Well - I think I may be able to help you, Stanley
STAN: Oh - you're a pal Prince - you know, when you're not being completely evil, that is (laughs) PRINCE: Thank you. But first of all, let's talk about what's in it for me
STAN: Well, I won't try to kill ya for one
PRINCE: Appreciated - and you will also agree not to leave the planet until I am ready to depart, and become a guest on the Lexx
STAN: OK, I agree, now will you just get me back with Lyekka?
PRINCE: It's a pleasure doing business with you
(Prince hangs up. Stan looks at the receiver, drops it and walks out of the phone box. Not long after this, ATF agents storm the building)
(They surround Huff, who is on the bed with LooLoo)
HUFF: What's this?
ATF: Barnabas Hufferton?
HUFF: That would be me
ATF: You're under arrest
HUFF: For what?
ATF: The illegal possession of Cuban cigars. Strip search this man. Do it, now!
(ATF agents drag Huff away, as Stan walks in)
ATF: Sign here please
(The agent puts a pen in Stan's hand, moves it across the clipboard to get a signature)
ATF: Congratulations. You're now the proud owner of Huffertainment. He just signed it over to you
(In the corridor, Huff is bent over, pants around his ankles. Agents hold guns at his head, while one of them puts on rubber gloves, and starts searching)
STAN: Oh, good. Lyekka - like I said, the First Lady sent me to rescue you
(He gets onto the bed beside her)
STAN: All you gotta do, is get your memory back, and I intend to see that you do just that (smiles)
HUFF: Fluff Daddy! Don't let them do this! You don't know what they'll do to me in prison!
STAN: Guys, just take him away, he deserves it
(The agent pulls out his hand, and Huff straightens up. LooLoo thinks fast)
LOOLOO: Oh Stanley. I'm starting to remember now. I'm so glad you found me!
STAN: See?! (to Huff, who is being handcuffed) LOOLOO: But I want him to stay with us
LOOLOO: He's a pig of a man - but a great director. The world needs his art - please? For me?
STAN: OK, just -
(He points at his cheek. LooLoo kisses it)
(The theatre. The show is over, the droolers are gone. The living Kai, in shorts and a T-shirt, is sitting on the edge of the stage, using a staple gun to fire staples into the sole of his foot. Xev walks up to him)
XEV: Why are you doing this?
(Xev takes his staple gun away)
LKAI: The actor must understand pain
XEV: I want you to understand pleasure as well
(She strokes his hair. He looks at her, and she sits beside him)
XEV: Kai - you don't know this - but I'm a love slave, and we've known each other for thousands and thousands of years. For all that time I've been trying to get you to want me - but you couldn't, because you were dead
(Living Kai looks confused by this - can you blame him?)
XEV: But now you're alive, and we're together. I want you love me - right here, right now
LKAI: I am not above indulging in the pleasures of the flesh, but I have committed myself to remain celibate for the run of this show. During this time every molecule of my essence must be funnelled towards the realisation of the theatrical art. To allow it to be - spilled, in a frivolous manner is to allow weakness and failure (stands up) Ow!
XEV: How long does the show run?
LKAI: Two months. Unless my grant is extended - then six months
(Xev stands up)
XEV: I'll wait
LKAI: Of course. And now, I must retire. To sleep, perchance to dream
(He limps towards the top end of the stage)
XEV: I've nowhere to go. Can I stay here with you?
LKAI: Suit yourself
XEV: Then, let's go to bed
(Kai picks up a blanket, sits on the sand. Xev sits down next to him)
XEV: I'm sure we'll be very comfortable
LKAI: The actor does not need comfort
(Xev realises that this is not going to be easy. Living Kai lies on his back under the blanket, stroking a little poodle nearby. Xev snarls)
(Stan and LooLoo are flying in the moth)
LOOLOO: Tell me everything again. How you became captain of such a powerful ship - a ship that can blow up planets!
STAN: Remember, the key? The key? It's alive, it lives inside me and only me. Remember it got passed to me by a guy, at the point of his death
STAN: I don't know. It's mysterious, it's -
LOOLOO: Will it leave you when you die?
STAN: That stands to reason, yeah, but you know - it can also be passed at the height, I mean the very extreme of sexual ecstasy (grins) 'cause that's kinda like a little death, hmm?
LOOLOO: I want to fly away on the Lexx with you, Stan - but before that, can I do one more thing?
STAN: Oh sure, sure, yeah yeah yeah
LOOLOO: I need to realise a dream - a dream with you in it. I want to make one last movie. A never seen before mix of hard-core sex and hard-core politics, at the highest level of public office, and I want you to co-star with me in it
STAN: OK, what is it, what's this dream?
LOOLOO: The Oval Orifice. I want to shoot it in the White House - but I think this is impossible
STAN: Oh, oh no - it's not
(The theatre - another performance. Girls watch as Living Kai crouches in front of a fan - that's an electric fan, not one of the girls. Act 4, scene 7)
LKAI: I tell you, there is good men born at Monmouth
Here comes his majesty
(He turns the fan on, stands up, and starts shouting his lines)
LKAI: I was not angry since I came to France
Until this instant!
(Xev does not look well. She staggers jerkily round the stage, sits down. Living Kai picks up tomatoes, and starts hurling them at the fan)
LKAI: Take a trumpet, herald;
Ride thou unto the horseman on yon hill:
If they will fight with us, bid them come down,
Or void the field, for they do offend our sight
(And now some French, from Scene 5)
LKAI: Oh diable! Le jour est perdu! Le jour est perdu! Tout est perdu! Tout est perdu! Tout est perdu!
(He turns, and walks back up the catwalk like a sumo wrestler - or maybe a Monty Python Gumby)
(The White House. Priest and Bunny watch, as Stan, Huff and the crew prepare to make the movie)
HUFF: Let's bring on our star
(The secret bed slides out. LooLoo is lying on it, wearing a long blonde wig, a long black dress, and a purple feather boa. Priest claps and rushes forward. Stan gets onto the bed)
PRIEST: I play myself in this scene, of course
STAN: No way pal, I'm the Commander in Chief in this scene
PRIEST: That's not fair!
STAN: Take it up with Prince!
PRIEST: OK, it's fair
(Meanwhile, Huff is kissing LooLoo's shoulder)
STAN: Hey Huff, what are you waiting for? Yell "Action" or something, then Lyekka and I are gonna make mattress magic
LOOLOO: No! - I mean, yes, Stanley - but not in this scene. I have something special in mind for you
STAN: Well, this looks pretty special to me
LOOLOO: But Stanley - (strokes his nose) Mr President -
STAN: Mr President!
LOOLOO: I mean for us to make mad love in your super secret space moth
(She plays with her hair, bites her thumb)
STAN: Oh, say that again - just, slowly
LOOLOO: Super, secret, space, moth
(Stan mouths the words along with her - so does Priest, until Bunny elbows him)
STAN: Oh yeah, I think that could be arranged
LOOLOO: Good. Now, get out of my light!
(She pushes him away)
DICK: That'll be fifteen ninety-five
(Dick dives onto the bed, kneeling on Stan. Clapper board of 'Oval Orifice'- Scene 42 Take 1 takes us into the next shot - this one's in the moth. LooLoo and Stan in the front, Huff and Dick, with a camcorder, squashed into the back)
HUFF: Now Fluff -
STAN: Ah ah!
HUFF: Stan - Captain Stan -
STAN: Um hm
HUFF: At this point, you and LooLoo have been chased out of the White House by transsexual terrorists, and you've run to this escape vessel here. Now, you've only minutes to save yourselves - but, you start talking about how tasty some of those terrorists look, and the next thing you know you're all over each other. Then Dick here, who's a pizza boy stowaway, he'll pop up in back and join in the fun
STAN: Yeah, well it may take a while to get to that part
HUFF: And - action!
(Huff backs out of the shot, Dick starts the video recording, and Stan starts acting)
STAN: Oh, oh yeah, OK, er (coughs) So - what about those - (he can't remember his line)
LOOLOO: Who cares about them?
(She throws her feather boa around Stan's neck, kisses him)
LOOLOO: I'm starting to remember now, Stan. Everything. The love between us, the passion - and I remember that we could never make love because I was smooth round the bend, but now -
(She takes his hand, pulls it down between her legs, and kisses him. She strokes his palm - and the Key leaps out of Stan, and into her. LooLoo breaks off the kiss, looks at her hand)
STAN: Woo, that was some kiss!
STAN: Oh now Lyekka - that key is not a toy, OK? You gotta give it back. Hey - why don't I get the key back from you, by bringing you to the height of sexual ecstasy?
LOOLOO: I don't think so
LOOLOO: Huff and I are leaving this planet, and you are not invited. You're a disgusting pathetic creep!
(LooLoo kicks Stan out onto the White House lawn. Huff gets into the front seat)
HUFF: The people have spoken, Fluff Daddy - and they have mandated that you plant a fat one on my ham hock!
(Huff throws his cigar at Stan. LooLoo shuts the door, pulls off her wig and grabs the controls. The moth takes off. Dick leans forward)
DICK: So - are we still shooting?
(Huff and LooLoo look at each other, then at Dick - who plummets to the ground)
(Prince is at his desk, on the phone)
(Stan is using a security guard's phone)
STAN: Prince? Um - bad news. Look, Lyekka got the key from me, and she and that Huff guy stole the moth, and they're on their way to the Lexx
STAN: And?! They're gonna leave the planet, on the Lexx!
PRINCE: So, Stanley - no key, no Lexx. Why should I care about you anymore?
STAN: Don't say that! We got a deal, we're partners. Look, we've just gotta come up with something fast
PRINCE: Where are you, Stanley?
STAN: I'm outside the White House, talking on your security guy's squawker
PRINCE: Please put him on
(Stan hands the phone to the guard)
STAN: He wants to talk to you
GUARD: Yes sir?
PRINCE: Code Dandelion
GUARD: Code Dandelion?
STAN: Good, huh?
(Not good. The guard puts the phone in his pocket, then pulls Stan's arm behind his back. ATF agents appear, aim guns at Stan)
ATF: Get this freaking piece of faecal matter out of here, and if he resists -(drapes rubber gloves over a gun) - strip search him!
(The moth flies to the Lexx. Huff and LooLoo walk onto the bridge, where LooLoo picks up 790)
790: Lyekka! You're alive - like I care. And who's your ugly friend?
LOOLOO: I'm the new captain of the Lexx
790: Does that mean you killed Stanley Tweedle? Oh happy day!
LOOLOO: Where's the control centre?
790: The pedestal behind you. Say, while you're at it, why don't the two of you kill each other?
(LooLoo throws him to Huff, and gets up on the pedestal. She holds out her hand, and the template activates)
LEXX: Hello, captain
LOOLOO: Lexx - I want to blow up some planets
LEXX: As you command, captain
790: Do whatever you want, but stay away from Kai!
(Huff drops 790 on the floor. LooLoo laughs. The Lexx flies away)
(Having been thrown out of the White House, Stan is now running along a street, stopping people to ask for help)
STAN: Excuse me, listen, listen, you gotta help me find a transmitter. I've gotta talk Lyekka out of her plan to steal the Lexx, OK? Can you -
(The man walks off. Stan tries to talk to a woman)
STAN: Excuse me, I need a space transmitter, OK, 'cause if Lyekka steals the Lexx it's game over
(No luck. He tries another man)
STAN: Listen, I just need an ordinary everyday transmitter, can you just -
(But this man can't help either. Stan stops outside an adult video store - then sees LooLoo's picture on one of the video cases in the window. He goes inside, takes the video, then comes out of the shop, kissing it)
(And then a man comes out after him)
MAN: You planning on paying for that?
STAN: With what?
(The man takes the video, and takes hold of Stan's arm)
MAN: I'm taking you in
STAN: No no no no, you can't do that - look, I didn't know I was supposed to give you anything for it. What do you say we just take it back inside, eh, and no harm done? No, no, look, look - I'm a security guard too, OK, or, you know, at least I was - hey, we're on the same team, so, er, what do you say you cut a break for a brother in the -
(Once again, this method fails, and Stan is punched)
(Later. Stan is sitting in a straight jacket and mask in a padded cell, with two doctors watching him)
STAN: I am not a thief! I'm the captain of the Lexx, the most powerful destructive force in the two universes! I could have blown up this planet anytime I wanted, you know, but I didn't, so I should get some points for that right there. Look, anyway, the thing is, that we are all in big trouble. Lyekka stole the key from me when we were having sex. Now her and that, that, that, that, that - perverted! boyfriend of hers are stealing the Lexx. Now I don't know what they intend to do with it (he stands up) but believe me it is not gonna be for the good of this planet, so you gotta let me go. I'm the only hope your planet has!
DOCTOR: We're agreed than? Full frontal lobotomy, first thing in the morning
STAN: Lobotomy, what's that?
DOCTOR: It's when we scrape out part of the brain that's gone bad - which in your case, is a sizeable chunk
STAN: But there is nothing wrong with me!
DOCTOR: I recommend castration - and surgical, not chemical, so it can't be reversed
(The doctors leave)
STAN: Hey! I know what that is, you're not gonna do that to me - come back here, you, you -
(In the theatre, Xev picks up a little Kai doll - it's covered with blood. Xev is not looking well. The girls have all disappeared, but Living Kai doesn't seem to notice. Twined in a red sash, being showered with water, he carries on with Act 5 Scene 2)
LKAI: In true English, I do love thee, Kate, though by that same honour, I dare not swear thou lovest me
(The real Kai walks in, and watches. The water stops, and Living Kai launches into a speech in German, which isn't part of the original play)
KAI: Hello Xev
XEV: Kai!(hugs him, upset) Kai
(She leads him aside. Living Kai carries on with his performance to an empty theatre)
XEV: Listen - strange things have been happening to me. There were - people in here before. And now, there's just this
(She holds up the bloody doll)
XEV: And I've been blacking out. And when I wake up, someone is gone, and I feel really bad in my stomach
KAI: The Cluster lizard part of your physiology is undergoing a version of its reproductive cycle
KAI: A female Cluster lizard experiences a form of oestrus once every seven years. During that period she becomes very - aggressive. At the end of the cycle, she also eats her mate. I have been observing you. I saw you become a lizard, and devour those people
XEV: And you didn't stop me?!
KAI: Why would I?
XEV: Because - because - of course you wouldn't. But I don't believe you. I'm not that much of a lizard, and I know my own body! I've found love with him - you, only alive. I know it's going to be work - but nothing's going to get in the way
KAI: I disagree
(He walks away)
XEV: Where are you going?
KAI: To find Stanley. We can meet you back here - after you have eaten your mate
XEV: Don't you care about what happens to him?
XEV: Kai - what do you think about his - your - acting?
(Kai looks at Living Kai)
KAI: The dead do not care about acting
(Out in space, the Lexx powers up - and blasts a planet - Mars)
LOOLOO: Woohoo! This is fun!
(The Lexx turns and fires again - Venus, this time. LooLoo laughs. Huff captures it all on video)
(Xev wakes up with a start. She's lying on the floor backstage. She gasps, looking at what looks like the remains of the poodle. Kai is watching her from behind one of the 'eye' curtains. Xev gets up from under a table/ bed of nails? She clings to the edge of it, then sees the pool of blood on it. She retches, bringing up blood)
XEV: Kai? Oh, Kai
(She picks up a hank of long black hair - it's covered in blood. She whispers something to it, then sinks back under the table, sobbing. Kai watches impassively)
(On the Lexx, LooLoo and Huff have made their way into the cryochamber)
HUFF: What sort of room is this?
LOOLOO: It feels like a sort of cold storage - but for what?
HUFF: Make a great location
LOOLOO: Look at this
(She's found Vlad, sealed in the cryopod. She strokes the casing)
LOOLOO: I'll say
HUFF: Do you think she might be amenable to a little space exploration?
LOOLOO: Let's find out
(She works the controls. The cryopod opens, and Vlad wakes up)
LOOLOO: Hi there
HUFF: Madam, my name is Barnabas K Hufferton. My friends call me Huff, and you look like a friend to me
LOOLOO: What Huff is trying to say is that we think you're hot. Have you ever been in a movie?
VLAD: I kill you in the name of His Divine Shadow
(Vlad fires her impaler straight through Huff, and into LooLoo - she barely has time to raise her hand. The key flies off, along a passageway, past the bridge - and into a moth breeder)
MOTHB: Build more moths