(A moth heads for Earth. Kai is flying it - Stan is holding Xev's body)
STAN: England, huh? Really beautiful, isn't it? Yeah, those Engs must be lucky people, look at all those trees down there. Xev's gonna love this
KAI: Xev is dead. Vlad killed her
STAN: Yes, I know!
(He covers Xev's ears, whispers)
STAN: Yes I know Xev is dead, but Uther said the other druids, the ones at the feast of Morgrath will bring her back to life
(Kai looks at him)
STAN: OK, look, I know you think it's crazy, but we gotta give it a shot. You know, sometimes I don't understand you Kai. Xev is our friend, and sometimes friends are all you got. Look, Vlad was seconds away from killing you up there and I saved your life, that's what friends do
KAI: You did not save my life. I am dead, and Xev is now also dead
STAN: Look, if there's the slightest chance that we can save her we gotta take it, OK?
KAI: There is no need to cover her ears. She cannot hear us
(Stan takes his hand off Xev's ear, and very gently strokes her hair)
STAN: Just fly, OK?
STAN: This doesn't look right. Where are we?
KAI: We are approaching our destination
STAN: I think you took a wrong turn
KAI: These are the co-ordinates
STAN: Are you sure you know where you're going?
STAN: Yeah, well I'm gonna call 790
(He switches on the communicator)
STAN: 790? 790?
(790 appears on the view screen)
790: Yes, my scrumptious bundle of corpse?
KAI: Respond to Stanley
790: I would rather not
KAI: It would be helpful to me
790: Very well, I will listen to him - but I'll be thinking of you. What is it, worm face?
STAN: 790, I think we're lost
790: You, Stanley Tweedle, are always lost. You are an anal wart in a universe of beauty spots
KAI: Uther described the feast as taking place in a forest called Glastonbury. We seem to be heading into a densely populated urban centre
STAN: And there are trees in a forest, right?
790: Kai, you are right as always, and right for me - but I gave you new co-ordinates. I found out that the feast has been moved this year due to an airborne cattle disease in the countryside called foot and mouth - although the only airborne disease I'm aware of right now is called Stan the Tweedle
KAI: So what is our destination?
790: A city called London
KAI: Thank you, 790
(The moth flies past the Houses of Parliament, and heads for Battersea Power Station - a large brick building with four tall white chimneys. They land outside. Kai carries Xev, and they walk to a table where a man and woman in robes are sitting. The man stands up, looking official)
COLIN: Whoa, whoa, whoa - just a minute! And just where do you think you're going?
STAN: Er, feast, Morgrath, it's here, right?
COLIN: No, it's the bloody 4th of July! Of course it's the feast of Morgath, and why are you dressed like this? You're not the Mincefields - these aren't the Mincefields, are they Marjorie?
MARJ: They most certainly are not, Colin
COLIN: In which case, you have to pay to get in. And, you have to be properly registered card carrying dues paid members of the British Druids Association, which is not part of the Celtic League, or in anyway associated with the so-called International Federation of Real Druids
STAN: Look, that's all very interesting, OK, but we don't have to be members of anything, because Uther sent us
(While this has been going on, two robed figures arrive, pushing a wheelbarrow full of barrels, and a sack)
P-ROBE: Could it be?
O-ROBE: Time will tell
MARJ: Uther? Never heard of him
STAN: Well, sure you have, he did that song, er, er, er - what's it called, Kai?
KAI: It's Magic Magic Baby
COLIN: (laughs) What, you mean Nigel Bunson? Where is nutty Nigel this year, what's happened to barmy Bunson then?
STAN: Well, er, he's dead actually. Vlad killed him
MARJ: (sarcastic) Oh. What a terrible loss for skiffle lovers everywhere
COLIN: So, you're the ones Nigel says he's been searching for all these years eh? Well I think he could've done a little bit better. I mean, your Dark Man's about as menacing as a fluffy little squirrel. Your Dead One is the least convincing corpse I've ever seen - I mean, where's the blood, where are the black eyes? And as for you - yes, I do admit that you do make quite a convincing Fool. Nonetheless -
(Kai puts Xev down on the table, and aims his brace at Colin's neck)
COLIN: And just what is that?
KAI: I was an assassin of the Divine Order. This is the weapon I usually use to kill people
MARJ: Oh now, hold on. It states very clearly in the Druidic Code, paragraph 86, section 16a - Druids may not carry weapons. You are permitted a small knife - blade no longer than 1.6 inches - for herb gathering purposes only. I'm going to take your cards back, people - if you have cards
(The taller robed figure steps forward, places his hand on Kai's shoulder)
O-ROBE: Let them in
COLIN: Oh my god - you're him. You're Tarquin Falstaff. I've seen you on Cults of England. You're the renegade druid!
O-ROBE: I know not of whom you speak
COLIN: Yes, yes, yes - you, and their Uther -
(The robed man's eyes glow green)
O-ROBE: Let them in
COLIN: Yes. Fine
STAN: Hey, thanks for helping us out
O-ROBE: Don't drink the mead, Red Fool. Thee neither, Dark Man
P-ROBE: I think he likes you, Fool
COLIN: If you're not Tarquin Falstaff, who are you?
O-ROBE: Mead delivery
(The robed figures wheel the barrow over to a large marquee outside the building)
O-ROBE: Did you hear them talk of Uther of Glastonbury's death?
P-ROBE: Yes, tragedy, he served us well
P-ROBE: By us, I mean of course you, my queen
P-ROBE: King, I said king!
(And then a voice comes form the sack in the wheelbarrow)
VOICE: I want to see! I want to see the Chosen One
O-ROBE: You cannot. You must remain in the sack
VOICE: I don't want to. It's dark and smelly in here
(He hits the sack with a bottle, and it goes quiet)
O-ROBE: She never was much good in the sack
P-ROBE: (laughs) Very good, my queen - no, king!
(Inside the marquee, they pour mead into goblets - and sprinkle some glowing stuff into it. The marquee is full of people in robes, standing around, chatting. Stan and Kai enter with Xev. Kai puts her down on a chair, but her body slumps over. Stan pulls her upright, then sits on a table to watch a puppet show - like Punch and Judy, but with a starry background, and puppets that look like Stan and Kai, and a Xev puppet lying on the ground)
SPUPPET: I don't know what I'm doing. It's so terrible, and I'm so stupid, I can't even stand up!
(The Stan puppet falls over, and the Kai puppet helps him up)
SPUPPET: Thank you, Mister Dark Man
KPUPPET: Your thanks are worthless to me, because I have no soul at all. I am a walking hollow shell of a man, waiting to be filled with joy and worship
SPUPPET: Duh - you also have a silly haircut. Silly silly silly silly!
(Stan shakes his head)
STAN: What a dumb show. Who's that red guy supposed to be anyway?
(Kai gives him a look. A girl walks up to Stan)
GIRL: Excuse me
STAN: Yes? Oh
GIRL: Can I be your lusting partner?
STAN: What's a, what's a lusting partner?
GIRL: You get to spend the day lusting over me. Then I latch onto a Dark Man for the rest of the evening and I lust after him, ignoring you forevermore - the way it's supposed to be
STAN: Er, no, actually I already have a lusting partner
(He puts his arm around Xev, and she falls over)
GIRL: Oh well. Guess I'm too late. Happy feast
(She walks away. A druid blows on a horn, very badly - it hurts Stan's ears. Colin gets up on stage)
COLIN: Hello everybody. Hello everybody, thank you. If you could all don your hoods please, that's it, thank you. Hello. I'm Colin, Colin Hamilton-Smythe. Good to meet you. I will be conducting proceedings today, telling you what to do and when, all that kind of thing, OK
(Colin switches on an overhead projector, which shows a picture of a druid. The mead is distributed to everyone)
COLIN: First, a little history - what are we doing here? Well, the feast of Morgath, or Mograth as it is sometimes known, is, as we understand it, the ancient druidic feast that celebrates the wedding of the king of the forest. We hold the feast every year, but believe that once every 1,500 years is a special feast, in which the king of the forest marries a new bride, that we Druids present to him in a ceremony blessed with magic
(Another picture on the OHP - a crude Celtic style drawing of figures that look like Stan, Xev and Kai)
COLIN: The oral tradition of our Druid forefathers tells us that the next bride to be presented to the king will be known as - the Dead One. And she will be accompanied by the Red Fool, and the Dark Man
(Stan looks at Xev. Kai looks at Stan)
COLIN: And, after careful selection from one of our largest ever fields of contestants, the College of Grand Druids are proud to present this year's Dead One, Red Fool and Dark Man (the horn sounds again) - the Mincefield family!
(A curtain is drawn back to reveal the Mincefields - a man dressed as Kai, and two women dressed as Stan and Xev. Everyone applauds politely)
COLIN: OK everybody - let's hope that this is the year for some real magic. A toast! (raises his goblet) To the Red Fool, and the Dark Man, and the king's bride to be - the lucky, lucky Dead One. Are all the cups filled? Even the children's? OK - this is the start of an amazing night
(Stan takes a goblet)
P-ROBE: Remember - don't drink it
COLIN: Charge your glasses. Oh feast of Morgath - may magic appear to us this eve and feast with us once more. Cheers, everybody!
(Everyone drinks - including Stan. Then everyone falls to the floor)
O-ROBE: Now the fun begins
(Stan also drops to the floor. Kai crouches down to check on him, as do the two robed men)
O-ROBE: Hmm. Impressive. A truly thoroughbred fool
(He holds something under Stan's nose, which wakes him up)
P-ROBE: I told you, not to drink the mead
STAN: What's mead?
(The robed men laugh, and walk to the stage. Stan gets up)
STAN: What's going on here? Who are you guys?
O-ROBE: I am the reason this feast happens at all
STAN: You're Morgrath?
STAN: (to the other man) You're Morgrath?
O-ROBE: No. There is no Mograth. They merely started calling me that twelve centuries ago, we're not sure why
STAN: So who, what are you?
P-ROBE: This -
(He removes the other mans robe. Underneath he is wearing a long blue tunic and short leggings)
P-ROBE: - is Oberon, king of the fairies
(He pushes up Oberon's frilled collar)
P-ROBE: I - well, I am Puck
(Puck is wearing rather camp orange crop top and sheepskin leggings)
PUCK: The king's (cough) manservant
OBERON: What was that?
PUCK: What was what?
OBERON: The king's, hmm, manservant
PUCK: Just a little cough, my king. An innocent little cough
(The person in the sack starts struggling)
VOICE: Let me out! Let me out!
(Kai steps over to the sack, his brace at the ready. Puck stops him)
PUCK: No! Dark Man, no
OBERON: What did you stop him for, idiot?
PUCK: I'm sorry my king, it's only a matter of hours before you're finally free
STAN: Free from what?
(The sack opens. Inside is a very short man, in very bad drag - blonde wig, pearls, pink flowery dress - and stubble)
TITANIA: I can't wait either. I want to find myself a real man
OBERON: My soon-to-be ex-wife, Titania
TITANIA: Oh - what a foxy Dark Man. He's the best I've ever seen
(Titania leaps up onto Kai, kisses him, and wiggles her tongue at him, before he takes her arms off his neck and puts her down)
STAN: Look, I don't know what the hell is going on here, but we were sent by Uther -
OBERON: - de Glastonbury, my most trusted knight. He searched the Earth for you. Never has a man responded so valiantly to his calling
STAN: He told us that there was somebody here who could raise the dead
TITANIA: Well, he hasn't made the dead rise for me in nigh on two centuries, if you know what I mean
OBERON: Silence, woman! That is correct, Red Fool. I am entrusted with that ability from time to time. Take me to your Dead One
(Oberon kneels by Xev, strokes her face)
OBERON: Well - isn't she something special? Kindest of faces. Softest of skin. Hmm (kisses her) There - done
(He walks away. A green light sweeps over Xev's skin, and she suddenly comes back to life)
(Stan kneels by her, Kai leans over her)
STAN: Oh, Xev. Xev, you're alive. I thought we'd lost - oh, we're so glad you're back!
XEV:(dazed) Where are we?
KAI: We're on the Earth, at Uther's feast
XEV: Uther - he was killed by Vlad
KAI: Vlad is no more. Stanley killed her
(Xev looks at Stan, who nods)
XEV: After she killed me
KAI: Yes. You were dead. We brought you here to bring you back to life
STAN: We? Hey, less of the "we" stuff, OK?
(Stan helps Xev up onto her feet)
STAN: Kai was gonna give up on you, but not captain Stan
XEV: Thanks. I'm glad to see you both
PUCK: What a touching, beautiful scene. I actually think I'm going to cry
STAN: Now listen, we gotta thank you guys, we don't know what we woulda done without you, and we really appreciate it, but we got Xev back now, and so we're just gonna go
OBERON: Your gratitude is unnecessary. You have nothing, and you are going nowhere
OBERON: The one you call Xev shall be my bride tonight
STAN: (laughs) Kinda greedy in the wife department there, aren't you pal? You got a bearded one over there
TITANIA: She is my replacement
OBERON: Pipe down, whore!
OBERON: And you, Dark Man, will join my chorus and rejoice in me eternally
KAI: The dead do not rejoice
OBERON: We shall see. And what shall we do with the little Red Fool? (tickles Stan's chin) Perhaps he will be my lap dog for fifteen hundred years
(Stan leads Xev away. Kai steps in front of Oberon)
KAI: This is a type 13 planet in the final stage of its cycle. It does not have fifteen years left, let alone fifteen hundred. We will leave this place
OBERON: You will do exactly as I tell you to do, Dark Man. You belong to me now
KAI: If you do not allow us to pass, I will kill you
OBERON: Really? Kill, you say? I'm intrigued. Are you intrigued, Puck?
PUCK: Fascinated, my king
OBERON: Well - let's see what you've got, Dark Man. I will not allow you to pass
(Kai gets out his brace - which instantly turns into a small parrot, and hops onto Oberon's finger)
OBERON: Oh, little sweetie, and what's your name? Little Tweetie! What do you think, Little Tweetie? Do you think I should let the Dark Man and his friends escape even after they tried to kill me, which wasn't very nice now, was it?(listens to bird) What's that you say? Well, since you asked so very nicely, I suppose I will
(He raises the hand with the bird on it up out of sight, then lowers it - he's now holding a large hourglass)
OBERON: I will give you until the sands of time run dry to leave my forest, or else serve me forever in my kingdom. Is that fair, Puck?
PUCK: More than fair, my king
OBERON: More than fair. You're free to go
(Kai walks away. Stan lifts the tent flap and they step outside - into a vast singing, dancing forest. The moon in the sky has a face)
STAN: Boy, the trees in England sure grow fast
(The trees are singing, to the tune of Row, row, row your boat)
TREES: Kai, Kai, sing with us!
Kai, Kai, sing with us, join us in our song
(Kai walks closer to the trees. Stan and Xev try to follow, but branches move to block their way)
XEV: Trees do not normally do that, do they?
STAN: No, and that's not all they don't normally do
(Kai has now started dancing with the trees)
TREES: Kai, Kai, sing with us, join us in our song
XEV: Kai, you're dancing
KAI: I am aware of that. I seem to enjoy it
XEV: The dead do not enjoy dancing
KAI: Under normal circumstances I would agree with you
STAN: It's Oberon
TREES: Kai, Kai, sing with us, join us in our song
(Kai does a twirl. Stan and Xev go back into the marquee. The druids have all disappeared. A big tree has grown in the centre, and Puck, Oberon and Titania are sitting in it)
XEV: What have you done to Kai?
OBERON: He is fulfilling his destiny. He has joined my chorus, as every dark man must. His empty black soul has been filled with the purest of love and joy - for me
XEV: Set him free - now
OBERON: You can be a bit more persuasive then that, Dead One
XEV: I'm not dead anymore
OBERON: Only because I choose for you not to be so
(A mobile phone rings on a log nearby. Stan answers it)
STAN: 790? 790, can you hear me?
VOICE: Hello sir, can I help you?
STAN: Oh, thank you thank you thank you! Listen, my name is Stanley H Tweedle, I'm captain of the Lexx, OK? Now there's some guy named Oberon calling himself king of the fairies has taken us prisoner in some woods, OK? Now somebody's gotta come and rescue us because Kai's out there, he's dancing with some singing trees, and they're gonna make me into some kind of a dog, and they're gonna make Xev marry Oberon
TITANIA: (on the phone) Well, that doesn't sound so bad to me
STAN: What, are you crazy?!
TITANIA: No, the sooner Xev marries Oberon the better. Then I no longer have to put up with his stupid pigging face any longer
(Stan turns and looks at Titania)
OBERON: Oh, shut up, wench! You're no flaming oil painting. Imagine, waking up every morning for 1500 years to that hairy yak
TITANIA: Drunk old clown!
OBERON: Of course I'm a drunk, I've been married to you for fifteen centuries, it's enough to turn anybody to drink!
(Titania hangs up her phone, and moves lower down the tree)
TITANIA: Poor petal - you must be petrified
TITANIA: Well, you're about to wed this beast of a man
XEV: I will not marry you
PUCK: Temper, temper, my - king. Think of the meadow. Think of the meadow, of all the little bunny rabbits (mimes bunny ears) Remember the bunny rabbits?
OBERON: I like bunny rabbits (smiles) I like them a lot more than I like her
TITANIA: They don't like you. They told me so
OBERON: You don't speak bunny
TITANIA: (smugly) I took classes. There's lots of things about me you don't know, and you never will
OBERON: Good. I don't want to either
PUCK: My highnesses, we are so close to the time of parting, could we please not just get on?
(A sulky silence. Oberon has another drink)
PUCK: Good. Now - I shall prepare the bride for her duties
TITANIA: King of the fairies. No-one believes in fairies any longer. A fine job you're doing
(Puck takes Xev to the other end of the marquee. Stan follows)
XEV: I will not marry that man!
PUCK: You don't have a choice. The best thing you can do is just go along with it
XEV: What if I don't?
PUCK: He will make your friends suffer - and he'll make you suffer too
XEV: I won't do it
PUCK: You know, it really isn't all that bad
XEV: How do you know? Have you been a queen?
PUCK: Chance would be a fine thing!
XEV: Why me? I mean, what does he want with me? I'm hardly like Titania at all
PUCK: You're the chosen one
XEV: Oh, great
(Oberon and Titania have started bickering again)
OBERON: You, are a fat, smelly, hairy, ugly, ungrateful, worthless, boring, clumsy, pathetic excuse for a disease-ridden bastard son of an inbred whore, and her festering brainless brother-in-law! And you want to know why I married you? It was because I was drunk. Drunk!!
OBERON: Isn't that right, Puck?
PUCK: Whatever you say, my king
TITANIA: I don't know how you can say that!
OBERON: It's easy. I just move my mouth around
TITANIA: How you can live with yourself -
OBERON: It's a damn sight easier than living with you!
TITANIA: You can be so hurtful
OBERON: Yes, I can. And I can say whatever I want because I'm the bloody king!! Right, that's it. I've had enough. It's over. This marriage is over!
(Oberon pulls a ring from Titania's finger. Puck tries to calm him down. Stan and Xev go back out into the forest. Kai is now rooted to the ground, waving his branches in the air)
KAI: O, O, Oberon, happy are we few
Dark men whose days shall end, singing praise to you!
STAN: Kai! Kai, look - we gotta get you outta here
KAI: I appreciate the gesture, Stanley, but it is not necessary
STAN: What, you want to be a tree?!
KAI: I do not want to be a tree - I am a tree
(Kai smiles happily, and carries on singing with the trees)
KAI: Dark men whose days shall end, singing praise to you!
O, O, Oberon, fa la la la la
Praise unto the forest king, and Titania!
XEV: Kai, we have to go
KAI: I understand that, Xev. I will remain here
XEV: We won't leave you
STAN: Come on, Kai, snap out of it
(Puck joins them)
PUCK: He doesn't want to leave, he's quite happy. Aren't you, Dark Man?
KAI: Yes - very happy! (smiles) PUCK: As will you all be. You have my word. There's no escape
TREES: O, O, Oberon, tra la la la la
Good old Oberon, proud Titania!
O, O, Oberon, dancing in the fields
Tra la la la la la la -
(They all go back inside. The sand is running out. Puck gets back into the tree behind Oberon, and starts massaging his shoulders. Xev comforts Titania)
XEV: Oh, there there, don't cry (to Oberon) You made her cry, you big bully! look at what state she's in
OBERON: She's no longer my wife - and you must learn to respect me, as she never did. Stop blubbering, woman!
TITANIA: I miss the good times
OBERON: Good times? What good times, there were none!
TITANIA: There were some - weren't there?
XEV: (to Oberon) Were there?
OBERON: Perhaps, one or two - but that was a very long time ago, and we must look forward, not back. And besides - you're my bride now
(Titania gets down from the tree)
OBERON: It is the way it is, as it has been since before time began. Many moons ago, I was king of more than just the forest - the planet was mine. The bond between the human world and the fairy world was strong. The Druids populated this land, and they held me in high esteem. Oberon worship wasn't annual, it was hourly, it was constant. They were my subjects - I was their king. My followers have been reduced from being the proud leaders of strong nations, to - the smelly kid at school with the bad hair cut
PUCK: The feast gets worse and worse - look at it now. They pay to get in, and use it as an excuse to meet other losers and drink cheap mead
OBERON: Well, it's not even proper mead
(He empties his cup onto the ground, hands it to Puck)
OBERON: They just mix twelve crates of lager with a drum of golden syrup. I dread to think where the next feast will transpire, if it transpires at all (to Xev) I'm a good man. I humbly request your hand in marriage
STAN: Nice sob story pal, but I don't see anybody here crying into their hankies. Come on Xev, let's get outta here
XEV: Now, what is it like, to be a queen?
OBERON: Come - I shall show thee
(He takes Xev's hand. Puck sprays fairy dust at them - and Oberon and Xev dance into an impossibly bright sunny meadow. The sun is smiling over a huge castle, the birds are singing, sunflowers all around. Oberon's robes are now white and grey. Xev is wearing a long white dress, with pink frilly collar and crown)
XEV: What's that?
OBERON: That is our castle, and below it, our kingdom
XEV: It's all so beautiful, so - magic
OBERON: If you marry me, you will rule by my side for 1500 years, and then live on for eternity as a beautiful flower in my kingdom
XEV: You've enchanted me, my king - but I detect a sorrow. Do you not love me?
OBERON: Of course I do. You're beautiful - and you have large breasts. I want to do naughty things with you
XEV: Well - then you'll have to catch me
(In the real world, they chase each other around, laughing. Puck sits down next to Stan)
PUCK: Young love. Takes you back, hmm?
STAN: Hmm - no, not really
PUCK: Don't be such a man!
STAN: This is crazy. How can she marry that guy, she can't marry that guy
PUCK: Why not?
STAN: Well, because it's, it's - it's - it's just wrong!
PUCK: Look - to be honest with you, I agree. I mean - she's not exactly his type
STAN: What, are you kidding? I mean, look at her, how can she not be somebody's type. I mean, if she's not his type, who is?
(Puck looks over at Titania)
STAN: But - I thought he said he married her because he was drunk
PUCK: Those wretched Romans used to say that in drink, there was truth
STAN: You mean he's the kinda guy that likes other guys, he's, he's -
PUCK: Let's just say he's king of all the fairies and leave it at that, hmm?
(Stan watches Oberon chase Xev)
PUCK: Uh huh
(Back in the meadow, Xev and Oberon are still playing)
XEV: Are you a real king?
(Xev sits on a log, her arms outstretched)
XEV: Then conquer me!
(Oberon trips over the log. Xev laughs. He puts his crown back on, gets up)
XEV: What will happen to this place when your planet is destroyed?
OBERON: Even I do not have the power to destroy a planet
XEV: Some do. And it will happen - soon. Will it affect this place?
(Oberon lies down, his head on Xev's lap)
OBERON: I do not know. Perhaps this will be my last marriage, the one that will last for eternity
XEV: I will marry you
(He sits up, kisses her hand)
OBERON: You will?
XEV: Yes - but I have conditions
OBERON: What are these?
XEV: You have to free Kai and Stan
OBERON: I see. Is that all?
XEV: No. You have to be nice to Titania
(Thunder. The sky darkens)
OBERON: I have to be nice to no-one
XEV: Then you don't get to marry me
OBERON: Then I will not marry you
(He takes her hand - and they are back in the marquee, wearing their normal clothes)
OBERON: A bride with no respect! That hairy beast deserves everything she gets. You know nothing of it. You know nothing of the centuries of hell that I've had to endure. As for your precious friends, I shall not release them or you, because I don't bloody have to
PUCK: Because you're the king?
OBERON: Yes, because I'm the bloody king!
(Xev walks away from him, over to Titania)
PUCK: Yes my king, but the sands run quickly through the hourglass - perhaps you should reconsider. Without a queen, you will no longer be a king - you have to marry somebody tonight, be it Xev, or Titania again
OBERON: No Puck, I don't. I can marry whoever I like - be it her, her - or him
(Oberon points at Stan, who has not been paying attention)
PUCK: Lucky you!
STAN: What, he's letting us go?
PUCK: You are being offered the opportunity of a lifetime, Red Fool, the chance to be a real legitimate fairy queen
STAN: Queen?! No no, see - no, I don't want to be the queen, OK? I'm happy being the Red Fool
(Oberon pulls Stan away. Puck uses his fairy dust again)
(Xev rushes outside. Kai has now become a tree, with just his face sticking out of the trunk)
XEV: Kai. Kai please, we must return to the Lexx. We're all we have, and we at least have some sort of life there
(But Kai just smiles at her. Xev puts her hands up to his face, and resorts to song)
XEV: Kai, Kai, Kai we must, get away from here
If we don't we will be stuck, for a thousand years
KAI: Xev, Xev of B3K, join us in our song
After all a thousand years, isn't very long!
(Kai hugs her with his branches. Puck appears)
PUCK: You should join in
XEV: Thanks, but I don't wanna be a tree. Neither does he, he's just being manipulated
PUCK: (laughs) Well, we're all being manipulated Xev - the trick, is to make it work for you
XEV: I will not be a tree. Neither will Kai, and Stanley Tweedle is not gonna marry that man
PUCK: (laughs) Who's gonna stop him?
PUCK: I can't allow that
(He sprays Xev with fairy dust - and she turns into a tree beside Kai)
XEV: Praise unto the forest king, and Titania!
O, O, Oberon, all the bells will ring
Stanley Tweedle shall be wed, to the forest king!
O, O, Oberon, all the bells will ring
Stanley Tweedle shall be wed, to the forest king!
(Xev waves her branches happily)
(Meanwhile, Stan and Oberon are dancing in the meadow. Everything is the same as before - Stan is even wearing the same dress)
OBERON: Welcome to my paradise, Stanley
STAN: Wow, this - it's beautiful!
OBERON: I know
STAN: What's that?
OBERON: That is our castle, and below it, our kingdom
STAN: Oh, it's, it's - it's magic!
OBERON: If you marry me, you will rule by my side for 1500 years and then live on for an eternity as a beautiful flower in my kingdom
STAN: Well I, I can't say that all this doesn't look tempting
OBERON: Good. It will be a blissful marriage
STAN: Blissful - whoa! You're not saying that there's gonna be any naughty business in this marriage, are ya?
OBERON: Oh yes. Lots and lots of wonderfully naughty business
(He kisses Stan's cheek - Stan recoils)
STAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa, fairy king!
OBERON: What is it, my love?
STAN: Well you see, it's just that this may be just a little bit more than I might wanna get into, you see. You know, your flowers, your castle, your kingdom, all that, that's just fine you see, but, ah, the kissing, the naughty business - that's just not me. You see (all macho) Stanley H Tweedle goes in the front door, or he does not go to the party, you know what I mean?
(Oberon puts his arm around Stan's shoulders)
OBERON: Oh, well, that's OK for you, but my portal of preference sometimes is - the back door
(Stan pushes him away)
OBERON: So you don't want my ring on your finger?
STAN: Hmm - no
OBERON: So be it
OBERON: That's the way it is
STAN: OK, well, glad to see you're taking it so well
OBERON: That's absolutely fine
(They dance back into the marquee)
STAN: OK then, glad to see you're taking it like a good sport - you're a pretty good dancer too
(Stan walks to Puck and Titania)
STAN: Hey, where's Xev?
PUCK: Ah, well, she -
(Behind Stan, Oberon transforms himself into Xev)
O-XEV: I'm right here
STAN: Ah. Where'd that king guy go?
O-XEV: He went - away
STAN: Oh. Yeah? So, er - you're not getting married, huh?
O-XEV: Yes - but not to the king
STAN: To who? To Kai, he's a tree (laughs) O-XEV: Not to Kai - to you (she puts her hands on his shoulders) - if you'll have me
STAN: Yeah yeah, right, huh
(He shrugs her off, walks away)
O-XEV: I know it's a bit sudden Stan, but maybe this is our only chance to live on forever together. Give me your hand in marriage
STAN: How come, after more than four thousand years of you turning me down - every single time - you suddenly want to marry me?
O-XEV: I know! It doesn't make any sense
O-XEV: It's completely crazy
STAN: It's crazy
O-XEV: Or maybe it's completely sane, but - I also think it's our only hope to get out of here. Marry me - tonight
STAN: Just a question before I say yes - is there gonna be any sex in this marriage?
O-XEV: Absolutely. Lots of hot and naughty newlywed sex, I promise
STAN: Well, OK then. So, you're really sure about this?
STAN: The newlywed sex?
O-XEV: All you want
STAN: All I want. Hmm - it's a lot. Er - OK then. Let's do it
(Titania and Puck are watching all this)
TITANIA: What's he doing with that Red Fool?
PUCK: Marrying it
TITANIA: Over my dead body!
(Oberon/Xev leans Stan back to kiss him, then stops)
PUCK: Come my queen. Let us go and get some fresh air
TITANIA: I don't want to go!
PUCK: Leave these lovebirds to their musing
(He picks Titania up and carries her outside)
O-XEV: I should go and get myself ready - for our wedding
(Oberon/Xev strokes Stan's face, and walks away)
STAN: Don't be long!
O-XEV: I won't
(Stan waves - he can't believe his luck)
(Outside, Titania is crying near Xev and Kai)
XEV: Don't cry!
TITANIA: Oh, what has he done to you poor, poor things!
KAI: You are not happy. Join our chorus - it will make you happy! (grins) XEV: Yes - sing our joyous song with us!
TITANIA: I wish I could, but I can't. I'm a past queen. My future is set
XEV: What is your future?
TITANIA: I will become a flower in Oberon's meadow
XEV: Oh! That is so romantic!
TITANIA: But I don't want to be a flower. I want to be - a woman
KAI: Well then you must do something
XEV: Yes. Kai is right. You must do something
TITANIA: Oh, you're right. I must do something - and I will. No-one knows Oberon's devious little mind like his Titania
(Inside the marquee, Puck is helping Stan into the white dress, puts on the crown)
STAN: Why can't I just wear my own hat?
PUCK: It's an ancient tradition, darling - and I must say, it suits you
(Stan pulls at the sleeves. Puck turns him round, zips up the dress, and pats his bottom)
STAN: Hey hey hey! I warned you about that
PUCK: My hand slipped - again!
(Unseen, Titania sneaks in and takes Puck's fairy dust spray from his pouch)
PUCK: How do you feel?
STAN: Well, I feel kinda - I don't know - pretty?
PUCK: Are you comfortable walking in high heels?
STAN: I'm proud to say no
PUCK: You should practice
(He pats Stan's bottom again)
(He holds up a finger, then tries walking - without much success)
(Outside, Titania uses the fairy dust to transform Xev and Kai into wedding dress Stans)
X-STAN: What have you done to us? Kai? Is that you?
TITANIA: You said you'd help if you could. I need you both to act as Stan
K-STAN: The dead do not act
TITANIA: If the dead want to get out of here, the dead are going to have to learn. You'll be fine, but just remember - don't act it, be it
K-STAN: Be it
TITANIA: Well done
(She transforms her clothes into a wedding dress)
TITANIA: Let's go - we haven't got much time
(The sand is trickling quickly through the hourglass. Puck is still fiddling with Stan's dress, when he sees two more Stans come in with Titania. He taps Stan on the shoulder)
PUCK: Have you got brothers?
STAN: What - huh?! That's me!
X-STAN: Stan, it's us
X-STAN: Xev and Kai
STAN: Oh, no no no. No, Xev is outside getting ready, because she wants to marry me
K-STAN: That is not Xev, that is Oberon
STAN: Well, she looks a lot more like Xev than any of you
K-STAN: But it is not Xev. This is Xev
STAN: Oh yeah? Well how am I supposed to believe that you're the real Xev?
X-STAN: Ask me to marry you
STAN: OK - will you marry me?
X-STAN: Absolutely not. I never have and I never will feel that way about you, not if you were the last man in the two universes
STAN: Yeah, well, that certainly sounds a lot like Xev
X-STAN: Yeah well trust me Stan, or you'll marry Oberon and you'll be stuck here forever
PUCK: Don't listen to them Stan, this - this is Oberon, trying to trick you out of the marriage with Xev. Trust only your instincts, Stan
(She sprays him with fairy dust - now he looks like Stan as well)
K-STAN: Stanley, do not trust your instincts
X-STAN: Yeah Stan, that's a bad idea
STAN: OK, look, just, just, just wait a second, OK? Look, I just gotta think for a second, OK. Now you see, on the one hand I could have some red hot sex with Xev for a while, or on the other hand, I could have an eternity of naughty sex, with a big ugly guy. Ooo - think Stan the man's starting to have a certain level of discomfort here
(Oberon/Xev returns, in the white dress with a red cloak)
O-XEV: What is this? I demand to know what this is
(He looks at four Stans and a Titania)
O-XEV: Who is my Puck?
(Puck puts his hand up)
P-STAN: I am, your majesty
X-STAN: No - I am, my king
K-STAN: I believe that I am, my king
O-XEV: Who is doing this? Titania, is that you?
(Titania smiles, but says nothing)
O-XEV: Who's in whose body? No no no, this is not fair. I demand the real Stanley take a step forward
(Three Stans step forward. One - Puck - puts his hand on his hip)
(He looks at the hourglass, and transforms back into himself)
OBERON: We are running out of time. Such treachery, such deceit! All right - if that's how it is to be, I accept your challenge. The one who did not step forward must be Puck
P-STAN: At last!
OBERON: I do not want to marry Puck, because I am king and he is a mere fairy. I do not want to marry the Dead One or the Dark Man either. I would like to marry Stanley, but I do not know which of these three bodies he inhabits. The most important thing is that I do not marry Titania again. So - I will choose at random from one of these three, who must be Stanley, Xev and Kai
(He walks up and looks at them, then grabs the real Stan)
OBERON: You. Wait a minute - I've missed something. You think I'm a fool, do you?
(He lets go of Stan)
OBERON: Titania, I know you. Knowing that you are the last person I would want, you've disguised your own form, taken someone else's shape and put poor Stanley in yours. Ha! You can't fool me, bearded wench!
(He grabs Titania's hand, leads her up the tree, sits her on his knee)
P-STAN: Um, my king -
OBERON: Silence! Do not try to alter my decision. Goodbye, Titania. It's been a miserable 1500 years for both of us. For you, there's a flower in my meadow perhaps - or more likely, a mushroom on my dung heap with your name on it. For me, the moment has finally come to be joined in blissful matrimony with a new soul
(Oberon puts the ring on Titania's finger. The last grains of sand fall through the hourglass. Stan and Puck go back to their normal forms)
(And so do Xev and Kai)
(He looks at Titania, who smiles)
TITANIA: And this time, it's forever
(Oberon screams, as he and Titania disappear)
PUCK: All's well that ends well
(Puck pats his bottom, blows Stan a kiss, and disappears. A tree trunk on the ground turns back into Colin. Everything is back to normal again)
COLIN: Oh - good mead this year. Oh my god, look at the time - we've got to get out of here before Battersea Council charge us for a second day
(Stan, Xev and Kai leave the marquee)
COLIN: OK, everybody out, out. Well don't dawdle, hurry up, yes, goodbye, see you next year. Come along, come along
(Outside Battersea Power Station, the druids are all walking away from the marquee)
MARJ: That's got to be the worst feast of Morgath I have ever attended - and I've attended a few stinkers, I can tell you
COLIN: Yes, I do have to say it was totally lacking in magic. Still, you know what that means - roll on next year
(The moth flies over their heads - )
MARJ: What the hell is that?
( - and carries on up into space)