|Tales from a Parallel Universe|
|Episode of series LEXX|
|Aired||Feb 5, 1999|
|Directed by||Jorg Buttgereit|
|Written by||Jeffrey Hirschfield, Paul Donovan|
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|«White Trash»||«Wake the Dead»|
The Lexx flies through space. Xev is in her bed, Kai is in his cryopod. On the bridge, Stan is dozing on the pedestal, and 790 is singing on the floor)
790: If I only had a body, I'd be more than just a head
If I only had a body, I would slap her on the bed
(Lexx picks up a distress signal, and the view screen shows a planet. 790 ignores it)
790: If I only had a body, I would be Xev's hunky man
If I only had a body, I would get to pummel Stan
If I -
(Tendrils drop down from Lyekka's pod, which is hanging above the bridge. Stan wakes with a start)
STAN: Oh, I was just dreaming
(He sees Lyekka stretching after emerging from her pod - she's wearing a red/blue body suit)
LYEKKA: Hello Stanley
(She smiles, and walks over to him)
LYEKKA: It's wonderful to see you
STAN: I was just dreaming of you in that outfit
LYEKKA: Hello robot. I have to eat - soon
(Stan looks nervous)
STAN: Well, see that's, that's a problem. See, we're precisely in the middle of nowhere. There's no-one out there, there's no-one to eat
790: Except you - so please Lyekka, help yourself to security guard class appetiser - and stay away from Xev, meat fiend!
LYEKKA: You don't have to worry yet, Stanley. I heard a signal. That means there should be something else to eat nearby
STAN: A signal? (to 790) Why didn't you wake me?
790: It was a distress signal. They only lead to trouble, so I always ignore them
STAN: Yeah, well - yeah
(The Lexx heads for the distress signal. Everyone is on the bridge, looking at a planet on the view screen)
790: It is not a life bearing planet, therefore the distress signal must be coming from a life form that originated somewhere else
XEV: Like people who might have crashed there?
790: Yes - for example
KAI: Any atmosphere?
790: A very thin one. Xev would require a pressure suit. Stanley would not
STAN: Why not?
790: Because a pressure suit would allow you to continue to breathing, which is a bad idea. A pressure suit would prevent the gas dissolved in your blood from exploding in the thin atmosphere - something I've been looking very forward to. A pressure suit -
(Xev is smiling - Stan is not, and changes the subject)
STAN: Anyway - I'm not going anywhere
XEV: What's the matter Stan - scared? (smiles) STAN: No, smart. I'm staying on the Lexx
LYEKKA: I have to go down to the planet now. I'm very hungry
XEV: So, we go down to the planet and rescue some crashed people, and then you just - eat them?
LYEKKA: I will eat animals, if there are any
XEV: But the people if that's all there is?
LYEKKA: Yes. I would never eat Kai, because Kai is dead. You are my friends, so I prefer not to eat you, but if I stay here I will have to
KAI: What if I stop you?
KAI: Kill you, perhaps
(Lyekka's arm stretches - and stretches, and stretches. She grabs Kai's chin, then lets go, and returns to normal)
LYEKKA: I'm not so easy to kill. Please - I need to go down to the planet now
(She heads for the passageway leading off the bridge)
STAN: But I like her - well, when she's not hungry anyway
(Lyekka looks at Stan and smiles)
LYEKKA: I like you too Stanley
KAI: She eats people
STAN: Well, yeah, but -
(Lyekka leaves the bridge)
KAI: Lyekka is a predator. It is fundamental to her nature to consume other living life forms, like you
XEV: So you think we should leave her on the planet then?
KAI: Being dead means not having an opinion
XEV: Well I think - I think we're stuck for now. Maybe I'll decide to leave her behind once we get down there
(She gives 790 to Kai)
STAN: Ah Xev, don't be so foolish. I mean, there's no need to go down - stay here, stay safe. Xev are you listening?
(Xev leaves. Kai follows)
STAN: No. No
(Xev, Kai, 790 and Lyekka take a moth down to the planet. The atmosphere is misty, with howling winds)
790: We're close to the source of the distress signal now
KAI: There it is
(Down on the surface, there's a ship similar to the Stripper in 2.7 Love Grows, as the cockpit is separated from the bulk of the ship by a long cable. Xev gets on the squawker)
XEV: Stan - Xev. There's a crashed ship where that distress signal is coming from
STAN: Be careful
XEV: Sure, we will
790: I've got a bad feeling
(On the Lexx, Stan is on the pedestal - he's uneasy too)
STAN: I've got a bad feeling
(The moth flies low over the surface and lands. Xev is wearing a pressure suit, the others aren't. Kai carries 790)
XEV: Stay close to me! I can't see a thing
KAI: I will
XEV: Lyekka! Let's stay close together. Lyekka! Lyekka?
(But Lyekka has gone off exploring on her own. Xev and Kai go to the front section of the ship and open an entry hatch. Inside is an airlock. On one side there's a window onto a compartment with a chair and controls. Xev tries the inner hatch of the airlock, but can't open it)
XEV: How can we open this door?
KAI: I think from in there
790: Clearly this airlock is controlled from behind that armoured glass. That is highly unusual. We should return to the Lexx at once
(Kai fires his brace. breaking the glass. He pulls a lever and the hatch opens, revealing a long winding passage. Xev is about to go in, when she notices a ladder inside the control section)
XEV: Maybe we should check out whatever's up there first
(She heads up the ladder. Kai follows. It leads into the cockpit)
790: The air is breathable in here Xev
XEV: Are you sure?
(She takes off her helmet)
790: Yes. Some of the ship's systems are obviously still operating
XEV: I don't know, this must be the bridge
(There are glass jars there, wired into controls. Xev looks at the contents)
XEV: These are human hearts
KAI: Yes. Their life support system is still functional. The pilot, however, is not
(The pilot is sitting in a chair. A huge muscular body, wearing an outfit that looks like a cross between a gladiator and a football uniform - with the butt cut out. And a head that looks like C3PO)
790: His head has been ripped off (whimpers)
XEV: A robot
KAI: A cyborg
(Kai puts 790 down, takes a closer look at the pilot)
KAI: Machine from the lungs up. Mostly human from there down. Goodbye, head
(He takes the broken head off and puts it down by 790, who is making gurgling noises)
XEV: Are you OK?
790: (quietly) Fine
XEV: Was there a human crew?
KAI: No sign of any
(790 starts using red/green beams to scan the cyborg's legs, crotch)
XEV: Must have been a hard landing
790: Yes - hard!
XEV: 790? What are you doing?
790: Oh, just running a quick scan of his thing - his systems!
XEV: Hmm. And?
790: He's completely dude - dead! Totally non functional. Never. Useless. History. Expired. Scrap. Done
XEV: I could have sworn you were getting ideas
790: Pardon me? Oh - yes, well, of course I noticed the missing head, but I determined immediately that it is beyond repair, so I dismissed the dick - the idea of making him work again then and there
(Xev smiles, and strokes the cyborg's chest)
XEV: What a shame. He's quite - a specimen
(She looks at 790, who makes a whining sound)
790: I should try to analyse the ship's flight computer, don't you think? After all, we want to know why it crashed
KAI: You seem to
790: My interest is purely academic. This could take a little while - quite a little while, in fact. I will have to learn how to work his - this, system. Perhaps you -
XEV: Kai and I - will explore the rest of the ship, I guess
790: Excellent idea
KAI: I suggest that we begin with the rear section
(He leaves a squawker beside 790)
KAI: Call us if anything big comes up
790: I will. Be careful Xev
XEV: I will
790: I won't be too long
(Xev and Kai start back down the ladder. 790 scans the cyborg again)
790: OK, headless hunk of fantasy fulfilment. Time to meet your new master
(Xev and Kai reach the airlock, and head into the passage)
XEV: I wonder why the two sections of the ship are so separate?
(790 is still scanning)
790: Talk to me. Talk to me!
(The cyborg unfolds a finger, then two more. It makes a fist, and pulls arms free of the restraints holding it to the chair)
790: Yes! Oh Xev - it's going to be magical. It's going to be -
(The cyborg grabs 790, and starts banging him on a counter)
790: Bad. Very, very bad
(Xev and Kai are now at the hatch at the other end of the passage)
XEV: 790, we're in front of the door to the rear section of the ship, and we can't open it. Can you activate it from the bridge?
(The cyborg kicks 790, who flies through the air, hitting a red button. This opens the door, revealing a shifting blue force field)
XEV: Thank you. Some kind of electronic barrier?
(Kai puts his hand through it, pulls it out)
KAI: It appears to be harmless
XEV: I wonder what it's purpose is?
KAI: Shall we?
(They walk through - at the top of what looks like an old abandoned factory. Xev shines her torch)
XEV: It doesn't look like much
KAI: Let's make our way round
(Back on the bridge. 790 is on the floor, but seems to be gaining control)
790: That's right. Come on body, come on!
(The body walks shakily towards him)
790: Lean over now. Pick me up, here we go
(The cyborg walks away)
790: No, no, no! Come back here, you brawny servant of my soon to be requited passion! Put me in my rightful place!
(The cyborg comes back, and picks up 790)
(Xev and Kai walk down a metal staircase, into a large room. It contains big domes on octagonal plinths)
KAI: This appears to be the entire cargo
XEV: Whatever's in there must be very valuable
KAI: Or very dangerous
(Kai puts his hand on a blue light on a plinth, and the dome lifts up. Xev shines her torch down - there's another ladder. Kai goes down. Inside there's a big pod - very Alien. Kai crouches down to look at it)
XEV: Found anything?
KAI: An ovoid object. Potentially an alien egg of some sort
(Meanwhile, back on the bridge - )
790: Now, gently. Gently!
(The cyborg puts 790 onto its shoulders, and starts shaking. 790 makes strange noises, walks about jerkily)
(Kai runs his hand along the pod. Xev has joined him)
XEV: Be careful
KAI: There's movement inside. Something alive
(He peels open sections of the pod. There's a thin membrane inside, which tears as a head pops up - it's a girl, covered in slime, but pretty - like Snow White)
XEV: 790, are you there? 790? 790, can you hear me? Come in
790: I'm right heeeeeeeeeeeerre!
(Xev listens to the strange noises)
XEV: Have you learned anything about the nature of this ship?
790: Not much
XEV: Keep searching. And see if you can turn on some more lights in this section
790: I'll get right on it!
XEV: Stan, this is Xev. We've found somebody alive. There could be more
STAN: Somebody, what kind of somebody?
(Xev looks at the girl - Desh)
XEV: A female somebody
STAN: Female. Is she attractive?
XEV: Is that all that matters to you?
STAN: Yeah, pretty much
XEV: (smiles) Bye, Stan
STAN: No, wait, wait!
(Xev breaks the connection)
(On the bridge, 790 is clawing at the back of his neck)
(Desh opens her eyes and looks at Kai, who kneels in front of her)
DESH: Who are you?
KAI: I am Kai, last of the Brunnen G
DESH: Where are the jailers?
KAI: If you mean the crew, there is no sign of anybody. The bridge was deserted
DESH: Not even a pilot?
KAI: There is a cyborg pilot, strapped in a seat. However, he seems to have lost his head when you landed
KAI: You've crashed, on an uninhabited planet
(Xev crouches down beside him)
XEV: We heard your distress signal. Are you a prisoner?
XEV: What was your crime?
DESH: Nothing - except for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I'm innocent. What was your crime?
XEV: Failing my wifely duties, and humiliating my husband in the temple. I wasn't innocent (smiles) KAI: So, how did you end up here?
DESH: I was going to meet my husband, at the outer colonies. We picked up some metal traders, at the outer rim. They started killing us, just murdering everyone. Laughing, rubbing blood all over -
KAI: Where were they taking you?
DESH: I don't know. They might be slave traders, I don't know! I wish they'd just killed me
(Kai seems quite moved by this. He stands up, and puts a hand inside the pod to pull her out)
KAI: I will release you
DESH: No! You can't
(Kai stops, lets go)
KAI: Why not?
DESH: When they put me in here, they removed my - heart, to prevent escape
(Kai looks down at her chest - there are cables coming out of it)
DESH: They kept me conscious while they did it, made me watch
(Desh starts sobbing. Xev looks sick. Kai lowers Desh back into the pod)
KAI: I'm going to check the other cells
(He heads up the ladder, Xev follows)
XEV: Don't worry, I'll be back soon
(At the top, a thought occurs to her)
XEV: Kai, I'm worried about Lyekka showing up
KAI: You should be
(He raises the dome behind Desh's)
XEV: We have to get this woman's heart from the bridge before -
KAI: Lyekka gets it?
KAI: How will you know which one it is?
XEV: It should be the first one in line, just like her
(Xev heads back to the bridge, while Kai goes down into the next cell and opens the pod. This one contains a man - Berf)
BERF: Go ahead! Do your worst, I'm ready for you - but if you turn your back on me for one second, I'll rip your throat out!
KAI: I am not your jailer. I am Kai, last of the Brunnen G
BERF: You could be the last of the cockroaches for all I care, I'm still gonna tear you apart!
(He laughs, and spits on Kai's face. Kai touches his face, seems quite surprised by this, and leaves)
(Xev is back on the bridge)
XEV: How's it going, 790? 790? Where are you?
790: Here, my love - but I'm more than 790 now
(The cyborg 790 emerges from the shadows)
790: You can call me 791 - the one for you
(He walks closer to her)
790: It's our day of destiny, Xev. I am whole, and wholly yours
XEV: You said he was broken
790: I lied for love
XEV: I don't believe it
790: But it's true. Here I am, and I can't wait to take you in my -
(He starts talking gibberish. His eye screens go blank, voice is garbled, cyborg)
CYBORG: No mercy. Terminate them
XEV: What was that?
790: Part of the cyborg's control unit is body centred. I can override it - mostly. Oh Xev - I don't know where to start. Do you want to be on top? Should I rub you somewhere first? Command me, my mistress of passion!
(He moves to hug her, but she backs away)
XEV: Not so fast, lover boy. I'm still getting over the shock. The new you certainly offers a lot of - possibility
790: An immense possibility! 791 will be your engine of desire. Gentle caresses. Full throttle animal couplings, and everything in between. Our time has arrived. Hold me, my angelllllllll!
(His eye screens go blank again)
CYBORG: New orders - dispose. None left alive
(790 recovers himself)
790: Sorry - a little glitch, nothing more. Xev - no-one could ever love you like I do, and now I finally have the equipment to prove it, so what in the universe is stopping us?
(Kai is in another cell, looking at another prisoner. This man is called Wern, and he's terrified)
WERN: Hey, I'm travelling to Barnard 17 to close a deal, and bam! I'm boarded. All the way! They're gonna do some horrible experiments on me, right? Look, just find a way to get me outta here, friend, can you, please?
KAI: I'll - er - see what I can do
(He heads back up the ladder)
(Xev runs her hand along 790's casing, then down his chest, navel, crotch - he moans)
XEV: You weren't lying. You really do have the equipment
790: It's all yours
(Xev goes to kiss him - then stops)
790: What's wrong?
XEV: I don't know - timing. We have to help Kai and Lyekka with the prisoners
790: Who cares about them?
XEV: I do. 790, look - we can pick up this weirdness later
CYBORG: Now, bitch, now!
790: Oh, Xev - sorry
XEV: Maybe I should get you off of there for now
790: No, please - it's just a little feedback. I'm certain it's to do with those two cables down my back that I can't reach. They lead directly into the body's central processor. Will you help me connect them?
790: Slide them up through the join
(He points, turns. Xev has a look)
790: Back a little - back - to the left - there! Connect it right there
(Xev plugs in the two cables)
XEV: Did I get it right?
790: You got it, treasure chest. I'm fully online, and ready to -
CYBORG: Bend over, tubby!
(790 shakes, and falls down)
(Kai returns to Desh's cell, kneels down by her pod)
KAI: Hello again
DESH: Thank you, for rescuing me
KAI: But I haven't rescued you yet
DESH: I know, but still - tell me about this planet we crashed on. How did you get here?
KAI: On the Lexx
DESH: What is that?
KAI: A large insect
(790 is still on the floor, his eye screens blank)
XEV: 790, are you there? Can you hear me? 790? Are you completely fried?
(We can see Xev from the cyborg's point of view, but 790's eye screens are still blank. Xev gets up and goes over to the hearts. The screens light up - but it's not 790's face. They go blank as Xev looks back. She takes on heart jar from each end of the row)
(The Lexx. Stan is on the pedestal, getting restless)
STAN: Xev, come in, come in, are you there? Xev?
(She puts the jars down and answers the squawker)
XEV: I'm here
STAN: So, listen - what's this about females?
XEV: Not now, Stan
STAN: Look, all I wanna know is, how many there are and what they look like
(790 is scanning Xev - his eyes beady, teeth pointed)
XEV: We don't know how many yet, Kai's still checking. As for what they look like, I'm sure you would have your own opinion, if you were here - but you're not
STAN: You're not helping me Xev. So look, what are they, crash survivors or what?
XEV: They're prisoners, kidnap victims
STAN: Oh yeah? So, so, are they grateful to be rescued? You know, grateful (laughs)
XEV: Enough questions, Stan. I'm busy, very busy
(790's screens go blank as Xev looks at him)
XEV: 790, you silly thing - you really did it this time
(She picks up the heart jars again, and leaves. The cyborg face lights up)
(Stan is pacing the bridge, when he gets a message)
XEV: Stan, it's Xev. I'm back
STAN: Oh come on, Xev, tell me what's really going on down there
XEV: Non-stop action of the hot and sweaty kind
STAN: What? Oh, you're teasing me, right?
XEV: I've just got a full report from Kai. He's discovered an entire harem, very eager and very attractive - you should really come down and meet them. They want to meet you
STAN: So, is it completely safe?
XEV: If you want to play it that way - but you don't have to. Anything goes
STAN: Um, well - what about Lyekka, she get something to eat?
XEV: Everybody eats here, Stan - and eats, and eats
STAN: So, so they weren't really prisoners after all?
(Of course, it isn't Xev on the squawker - it's the cyborg, imitating her voice)
XEV: No. You see, it wasn't a distress call we answered Stan - it was a beacon of desire, sent by lusty sex starved sirens. They're aching for it, Stan. Begging for it. They want it hard, and they want it now. Are you man enough to provide it? Bye bye Stan. See you soon
(The cyborg smiles)
(A moth leaves the Lexx. Stan is inside, wearing a pressure suit, but still not sure about the whole thing)
STAN: I don't know about this. I really don't know
(He lands by the other moth. The cyborg closes the inner hatch of the airlock. When Stan opens the outer hatch and walks in, there's no-one in sight. Stan takes off his helmet, looks around)
STAN: Kai? Xev?
(He attaches his helmet to his belt, and tries the inner hatch)
(On her way back to the cell, Xev hears a man moaning. So does Desh. Kai emerges from her cell as Xev arrives)
MAN: Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh, oh, oh - arggggh!
(Xev nods. They go to a rear dome, open it - and a column of liquid emerges. Kai and Xev look down at the bloody remains of a pod. The liquid morphs into Lyekka)
LYEKKA: I like prisoners
(She morphs back into liquid form, and glides away)
(Stan has not been able to get the hatch open)
STAN: Xev! Kai!
(He sees the lever in the compartment, tries it - the door opens. Stan laughs, pops his head round)
STAN: Kai? Xev?
(Then a voice calls down from the bridge)
XEV: Up here, Stanley, we are up here!
(Stan climbs into the compartment, starts up the ladder)
STAN: Ah, to the party!
(Xev and Kai have brought the hearts down into the cell. Desh is looking nervous)
DESH: What's happening up there?
KAI: Those in the cells beside you just got eaten
DESH: By what?
KAI: A plant
XEV: Now what? There's one from each end, I didn't know which one is yours
DESH: I'm afraid you'll just have to choose one, and hope it's mine
(Xev hands a jar to Kai, who takes out the heart)
XEV: Are you just going to stick it in there?
KAI: Unless you have a better idea
(Stan has reached the bridge. He looks at the remaining heart jars)
STAN: Hello?! Hello! Where are you Xev, hello!
XEV: Down here, Stan! Down the stairs, come on!
(Stan smiles, heads to the exit of the bridge, and down stairs)
STAN: I don't see any party!
XEV: Over here Stan. You're gonna love it
STAN: This better be good
(Stan smiles - then he gets to the bottom of the staircase, and stops smiling. There are the remains of two men tied to the stair rail, gagged, with their trousers down around their ankles)
STAN: I must be in the wrong place
(The cyborg walks up behind him)
CYBORG: Not at all, Stan. You're exactly in the right place, for what I have in mind
(The cyborg puts his hands on Stan's shoulders, and pulls him away. Stan screams)
(In the cell, Kai pulls Desh up slightly, and pushes the heart in through the hole in her chest)
(Elsewhere, Stan taps his foot to the beat of bad techno music coming from the cyborg's chest)
CYBORG: Oh, yeah. Thrust it, monkey man - give me some back and forth. Do it
(Stan starts dancing)
CYBORG: I said do it! With feeling
(It is not the best dancing of all time - but that's hardly surprising, given the circumstances)
CYBORG: That's right. Dance. Shake your lily white ass, buckaroo. More hips! Jiggle it!
(The cyborg joins Stan on the dance floor, does a bad Travolta impression, then starts gyrating behind Stan, very close)
CYBORG: Yeah baby. Keep it slippery now
(Desh clambers out of her pod - covered in slime, and a rather nice off the shoulder leather number. She crouches on the floor, shivering)
DESH: I owe you my life
(The cyborg grabs Stan's neck, leans him back)
CYBORG: Ever kissed a cyborg?
CYBORG: You will
(He pushes Stan against a wall. Stan tries to push 790's head away from his face)
CYBORG: When I was a man, I had uncontrollable urges. That's why they made me into a machine. All those urges were supposed to be erased. But when the prisoners reprogrammed me, the old flame came back
(Stan is still struggling)
CYBORG: You're not pretty - but you're my kind of not pretty
(He presses Stan's face to his mouth screen. Stan grabs at the back of his head, manages to pull a cable loose - and 790 splutters back into life)
790: I'll never tell if you don't
STAN: Agreed. Now just let me go
(And then the cyborg regains control)
CYBORG: You're not going anywhere till I deal with the sizzle in my pizzle
790: Do something, Tweedle!
STAN: Like what?!
790: I don't know, kill yourself! Anything so that I don't have to go through with this!
STAN: What about me?
CYBORG: Enough! I'm in control here
790: Tweedle - I can't fight him. Run while you can. Save Xev! Go!
(790 lets Stan go - he runs up the staircase, just before the cyborg gets control)
CYBORG: I can smell your funk, Stanley - and I'm coming to bury my face in it! (evil grin)
(Stan runs down some stairs, then clambers through the rail, hangs down the side)
CYBORG: Stanley. Stanley - the head is mine. All heads are mine! So get ready to boogaloo
(The cyborg walks down the stairs, doesn't notice Stan)
(Xev, Kai and Desh reach the force field. Desh stops, holds her hand up to it)
XEV: What's wrong?
DESH: That's meant for me - not you!
(She pushes them back, and races through the force field - which glows red. A door shuts the passage)
VOICE: Attention, attention - the prisoner containment area has been breached. Attention, attention - security default activated. Attention, attention - security default activated
(An alarm sounds)
(Stan is hiding from the cyborg)
(Xev and Kai, stuck behind the door, can hear Desh)
DESH: I have no feelings. I am the perfect warrior. I kill to live, and I live to kill. I was on my way to trial and execution, which is why I triggered the security system when I came through the door. It was me who arranged for the cyborg pilot to be reprogrammed to kill the crew. Of course, he wasn't supposed to crash the ship - but that's all behind me. Thank you for your assistance. Now die
(She walks away. Xev and Kai look at each other)
VOICE: Attention, attention - prisoner containment is the mission priority. This prisoner transport will self destruct in 10 minutes, as there has been a breach of the prisoner containment area
(Desh has changed into more practical overalls, with a gas mask. She opens the airlock hatch and goes outside)
(Stan is running up stairs away from the cyborg, who is close behind)
VOICE: I repeat - this prisoner transport will self destruct in 9 minutes and 52 seconds
(Desh sees a moth, and gets inside. Kai is still struggling with the hatch. Stan is still running)
VOICE: Attention, attention - this prisoner transport will self destruct in 8 minutes and 10 seconds
(Desh takes off her gas mask, and flies the moth away)
(To evade the cyborg, Stan goes through a door - which leads into a lift shaft. He manages to swing across to the ladder on the adjoining wall)
VOICE: 7 minutes and 40 seconds
(The moth is now in space)
DESH: Kill to live - live to kill
(Desh sees something watery outside. It morphs into Lyekka's face)
LYEKKA: Hello. How are you today?
(And now Lyekka is inside the moth)
LYEKKA: This will be very pleasant for you
(Desh screams, as watery tendril moves closer)
(Stan makes it down the ladder into the compartment by the airlock)
VOICE: - will self destruct in 3 minutes and 10 seconds
(Stan hears music. He looks up and sees the cyborg at the top of the ladder)
CYBORG: You're mine, concubine
(Stan straps himself into the chair and puts on his helmet, as the cyborg heads down the ladder)
VOICE: Warning, warning - all personnel must now be evacuated, as self destruction is imminent. Warning, warning - all personnel must now be evacuated, as self destruction is imminent
(Stan pulls the lever, opening the outer door - the cyborg is sucked out, but manages to grab hold of the door frame. Stan grabs a nearby harpoon gun)
STAN: Who's laughing now, robot?!
(He fires, but misses the cyborg. The harpoon hits the door frame - and to make matters worse, there's a line attached to it. The cyborg grabs the line. Stan drops the gun and the cyborg falls back, but the gun gets lodged on a rail, and the line holds. The cyborg makes it back to the compartment, shuts the airlock door, and grabs Stan)
CYBORG: One - spread. Two - you're dead
STAN: But the ship's gonna blow up, we'll both die!
(The cyborg pulls Stan out of the chair, rips open his pressure suit, pushes him against a wall and kicks his legs apart)
VOICE: Warning, warning - explosive charges are now armed. Self destruct in 2 minutes
CYBORG: Just enough time for a quickie
(790 briefly regains control)
790: Stanley Tweedle - I have to say in all candour that without the slightest micro-iota of inestimable doubt in the entirety of the two universes - this is the very definition of misery
STAN: Just stop, please!
CYBORG: Not his show, bitch - it's mine
(The cyborg readies himself - and Kai's brace pulls 790 from his shoulders. The cyborg staggers around, as Kai walks up to Stan)
KAI: Don't get up, Stanley
(Kai opens the outer door. Lyekka braces herself in the frame of the inner door, with Xev safe behind her. Kai holds onto Stan, as the wind rushes in, pulling the cyborg away. Kai closes the door. Stan breathes a sigh of relief, then turns to look at 790, who says nothing)
KAI: I can see that you two may require some time alone, but we have to leave - now
790: (quiet) Fine
STAN: Let's go
VOICE: Warning, warning - explosive charges are now armed. Self destruct in 1 minute
(The moths take off)
VOICE: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
(The planet explodes. The moths fly away - Xev, Lyekka and 790 in one, Stan and Kai in the other. Xev and Lyekka look at Kai, who gives them a thumbs up. Stan just stares straight ahead. 790 is sitting on Xev's lap)
790: I am totally, completely, and utterly humiliated
XEV: That's OK, forget it
790: You must understand that my intentions were entirely honourable - if I had any idea the cyborg -
XEV: I said forget it. You may still only be a head, 790 - but you're the best head I ever had
(She smiles, and pats his casing. The moths head back to the Lexx)